Learn How to Make Love, Not War in Houston Marriage Counseling

If my Houston marriage counseling clients have taught me anything, it’s that people really like being right and hate being wrong.

It’s true. So many of our relationship issues come down to our inability to admit wrongdoing that it would almost be funny if it wasn’t so painful and sad. Because of this desire, we perpetuate arguments long after the initial anger has faded and try to find ways to “prove” our side, even when we don’t care anymore.

It’s marital warfare and it’s tearing us apart. In order to have strong, long lasting relationships, we need to move past this unfortunate instinct. Instead, we should focus more on what really matters: keeping each other happy.

Houston Marriage Counseling: Defeat Your Enemy with Love and Understanding

Trying to win just creates more relationship issues as we constantly attempt to one-up each other. But the real win is when you can step away from your emotions and work on meeting your significant other’s needs.

The next time he complains that you never listen or she accuses you of spending all your time with your friends, don’t lash out. Your instinct may be to sigh and repeat them verbatim or list off instances where you gave up friend time to spend the day together, but hold back.

What he is really saying is that he feels that way. Maybe it is or isn’t true if you tally up the numbers, but that’s not what matters. When it comes to relationships, perception is reality and what’s ultimately important is making sure that both of you feel good about where you are.

Instead of fighting, apologize and ask what you can do so they don’t feel that way. Most of the time, they’ll be so surprised and happy that you’re being so accommodating that they may even feel silly and try to backtrack. Don’t let them. Say that their happiness is important to you and actively work on whatever issue they have.

Houston Marriage Counseling Says “Making Love” Is the Secret to a Happy Relationship

Attitudes and emotions are contagious, so if you make the effort to “make love” instead of fighting, it will rub off on your significant other. You’ll argue less and you’ll enjoy being around each other more.

This isn’t something that most people can do overnight, so if you need a bit of help changing your behavior, don’t be afraid to look into Houston marriage counseling.

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Houston Relationship Therapist: Defensiveness Helps You Grow

Okay, you caught me—you don’t have to be the Houston relationship therapist to realize that defensiveness, in and of itself, certainly does not help you to grow. As I’ve written in previous blog posts, defensiveness can be quite a destructive force in your relationship and I have many clients seeing me for marriage help largely because they or their partners can’t get over defensiveness.

However, if you’re the type of person who is able to take a good, introspective look at yourself, defensiveness might actually be able to help you become a better person. How?

The hardest part is recognizing when you’re being defensive

It may seem perfectly acceptable to offer up reasons when your spouse brings up brings up some way in which you’ve failed or done something wrong. Unfortunately, much of the time when we do that it’s not reasons we’re offering, but excuses—that’s defensiveness.

I tell my Houston relationship therapist clients that the hardest part of beating defensiveness is recognizing it. You have to be able to step outside of yourself—usually in a moment that is quite emotional—and logically examine your words and actions as if you were an innocent bystander. Are you genuinely trying to explain a misunderstanding or covering so that you don’t have to admit that you’re wrong?

What’s next? Figure out what set you off

Once you can recognize those times when you’re being defensive, the next step is retracing your steps to learn what set you off. I do this with my Houston relationship therapist clients all the time to offer marriage help.

A couple will come in at each other’s throats due to an argument and we’ll slowly move back in time and peel back the layers until we get to the beginning of the argument and what set each of them off. Quite often, people are surprised to find that their argument isn’t about what they thought it was about. When you are able to pinpoint the specific thing that your partner did to raise your hackles, you can be ready for it next time and try to control yourself.

No one is saying that this is easy. People are defensive for a reason—to defend themselves. It’s a completely normal instinct and one that’s hard to turn off, but when it comes to defensiveness in a relationship, just letting it go can be incredibly destructive. If you need help, call the Houston relationship therapist today.

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Houston Marriage Therapy: Little Surprises Make a Big Difference

No one has ever come to Houston marriage therapy because they forgot about the second Tuesday in March or the final Wednesday in June—unless, of course, those dates happen to be your anniversary or your spouse’s birthday. But just because missing those dates doesn’t hurt your marriage, that doesn’t mean that remembering them—and others—can’t be a boon for your relationship.

What I’m talking about is moving away from the idea that you just have to do things on “required” days like Valentine’s and instead surprising the one you love in little ways throughout the year. Need relationship help? Well, believe or not, these little gestures can end up being more meaningful and helpful than planning some elaborate and expensive outing when it’s expected.

Ideas for Surprising Your Loved One from Houston Marriage Therapy

The great thing about coming up with romantic surprises is that sometimes the simplest things will end up bringing the best results. What matters most is doing something that your significant other will find meaningful. Here are just a few suggestions.

Have a candlelit dinner waiting. Ask your boss to leave work a few hours early or wait till your spouse goes out one weekend and plan a nice, romantic dinner with her favorite food so that it’s waiting for her when she arrive home.

Write love notes. Take a few minutes and write some sweet nothings just because, then leave them around the house where you know only your spouse will find them. Or if you’re really pressed for time, send romantic texts or emails to let him know you’re thinking of him.

Draw her bath. It only takes a few minutes to draw a bath, fill it with relaxing, scented oils (or bubble bath), and pour her a glass of wine, but the amount of pleasure it will give her will be immeasurable.

Bring home his favorite movie to watch. Even if it’s your turn to choose, bring home that film you know he just adores. If it’s a romance, even better, but don’t pass on it just because it doesn’t fit the mood you’re trying to set. The point is to do something unexpected for him.

Houston Marriage Therapy: Acting When You Don’t Have to Shows You Care

The goal is to get out of that long term-relationship rut where neither one of you really does much for each other outside of the expected because you already know you love one another and you’re both busy.   Surprises are usually the most powerful Re-romanticizing tool for a relationship.  The brain loves surprises! However, this is only true if it follows the Platinum Rule: you’re certain that your partner would be excited and happy with the surprise.

If you want some more ideas on how you can get relationship help from little surprises, call Houston marriage therapy.

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Defensiveness Is Destructive, Says Houston Relationship Counselor

As the Houston relationship counselor, I deal with defensiveness a lot in my clients, and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve spoken about it in this blog. When one or both people in a relationship are defensive, it can cause huge marriage problems. Some people get so fed up with their partner’s defensiveness that they even decide to end the relationship.

Houston Relationship Counselor: Explaining Defensiveness

Unfortunately, defensiveness is incredibly pervasive. For most of us, it’s so deeply ingrained that we can’t just flip a switch and turn it off. In fact, it’s our defensiveness itself that’s more like flipping a switch. When we feel judged, it gets our hackles up, and we simply react instinctively by becoming defensive—it’s a way of protecting ourselves.

The problem is that defensiveness quickly moves from a protective maneuver to one that lashes out in order to protect. In other words, defensiveness isn’t just a way to keep ourselves from being hurt or blamed, but a weapon that we can use against others to deflect their anger and keep them off balance. How do we do this?

Casting blame. What’s the quickest way to deflect blame away from yourself? Cast blame on your loved one. It doesn’t matter that the thing you’re blaming them for has nothing to do with the current situation, because they have no right to be calling you out for something when they were wrong that one time.

Starting fights. What’s their problem? Why do they have to be such a jerk? They’re just mad at you for some unrelated reason. Maybe they’re jealous, stressed out, or otherwise just not in a good mood and taking it out on you. And don’t they realize their just acting like their parents?

Aggressive denial. That is not how it happened and you are so sick of them twisting your words and actions in this way. Why do they keep hearing and seeing what they want to see? Are they just trying to start a fight with you?

Don’t Let Defensiveness Ruin Your Marriage, Says Houston Relationship Counselor

It’s also important to know that defensiveness is normal, in all relationships but particularly in marriages and committed love relationships.  You should allow yourself to feel it and to dialogue about it rather than leaving associated thoughts unexpressed and then acting out.  When acted out, the natural defensiveness can become abuse of your partner.

Re-imaging the Wounded Child in your partner feeling defensive can lead to a request for or an invitation to dialogue about what is causing the defensive feelings and thoughts. If you feel like you just keep spinning your wheels and not moving past it on your own, don’t be afraid to talk with the Houston relationship counselor for help

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