Our Past Comes With Us, Says Houston Marriage Counselor

One of the things being the Houston marriage counselor has taught me over the years is that our relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. Even if we try for a clean break or a new start or some other cliché (either in the same relationship or by beginning a new one), all of those things that we’ve gone through in our life up to that point are going to have their say—whether we want them to or not.

In the past I’ve written about how ending a relationship and moving on rather than working on the underlying problems is often pointless because those problems will just follow you. While true, the truth goes even deeper than that. Even within the same relationship, there is a “history” that develops and influences the present, and it’s happening every second of the day.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Our Living History

Let’s look at an example. You have a tough time remember to do chores, and your spouse frequently calls you on it. Over time, this has evolved into something with a lot of conflicting emotions—you feel ashamed and guilty for forgetting, sorry that you’re not living up to your partner’s expectations, and angry at both yourself for not being better and your partner for “nagging” you about it.

After about six months of this, “Did you remember to take out the trash?” is no longer a simple question with a yes or no answer. Before you reply, your mind runs through all of those strong, conflicting feelings and they’re bound to influence you. Do you lie? Yell? Sigh and go do it without answering?

This “living history” can affect any number of things that we do (or don’t do) on a daily basis, and over time it can cause us to need to seek out relationship help.

Get Relationship Help from the Houston Marriage Counselor

The best way to deal with this complex web of emotions is to talk it out, but sometimes even that can be tough after a certain point. Both of you will be bringing this kind of baggage with you to every conversation, and it’s hard to push it aside and really hear what the other person is saying. If you find yourself in this kind of situation, it might be time to get help from the Houston marriage counselor.

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Houston Marriage Counselor: Honor Your Relationship

The topic of honoring your relationship often leaves my Houston marriage counselor clients scratching their heads. They think of honor as something that happens unconsciously. Of course I love my partner. We’re married, aren’t we?

Unfortunately, couples often make the assumption that their partner knows how much they care and that they don’t need to show it. They believe that honoring just comes with the territory of being in a relationship, that it doesn’t require forethought and intention.

Unfortunately, that kind of thinking is what causes relationship issues and lands couples in marriage counseling. If you want a long-lasting, happy partnership, you need to find ways to show each other you care.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Do You Honor Your Relationship Enough?

Sometimes couples have been together for so long, stuck in the same bad habits, they don’t even realize their marriage is suffering – until it’s too late. Here are some symptoms of a relationship in need of honor.

If only he would…

Sometimes a partner will focus on what their spouse needs to do instead of thinking about what they could be doing. They believe that the relationship issues are the other person’s fault. Playing the blame game allows you to avoid responsibility. What’s more, it can make your partner feel like your love is conditional. No one wants to be in a relationship like that, and the best way to stop the cycle is to take control of what you can do to improve your relationship.

You disregard her feelings and interests.

When you honor someone, you genuinely care about their wants and likes. Ignoring someone or downplaying their interests and thoughts makes it seem like you don’t value them. There should never be a doubt in your partner’s mind about how much they mean to you.

Think back to how you acted when you first began dating this person. After we have known a person for a long time, that sense of familiarity can make us less engaged in their life. We start to take things for granted. Remember how you used to hang on your partner’s every word? Try and channel some of that attentiveness.

The Houston Marriage Counselor Can Help

Of course, partners don’t usually intend not to honor each other. We get bogged down in our own lives and needs. It happens gradually over time. Breaking this cycle can be tough, but your relationship is worth it. Make a conscious effort to honor your spouse. And if you need more help, you can always call the Houston marriage counselor. 

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Houston Marriage Counseling: How to Stop Mothering Your Spouse

Doing your spouse’s laundry or scheduling his doctor’s appointments might seem like gestures that show how much you care about him, but there’s a fine line between caring about your spouse and taking care of him the way you would your young children. This kind of mothering behavior can strain relationships and has led many couples to end up in Houston marriage counseling, often at the request of men who feel that their spouse no longer desires them sexually and sees them as one of the kids. This painful phenomenon isn’t gender specific. This type of mothering (or “smothering” in some cases) can be done by husbands to wives as well.

Are you worried that you may be causing relationship problems by mothering your spouse? Below are some suggestions to remedy this behavior and strengthen your marriage.

Ideas to Stop Mothering Your Spouse from Houston Marriage Counseling

Be aware of the way that you talk to your spouse. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of your children; this can be felt as demeaning and emasculating. Also, avoid talking to your spouse in the same tone that you would use with your children.

Make an effort to compliment the positive things. Everyone likes feeling appreciated. Think about both the little and big things your spouse does for you and the family, and make sure you’re acknowledging them aloud.

Share household tasks. Don’t fall into a routine that causes your spouse to feel overly dependent on you. Have a conversation about sharing in domestic tasks so that you both have autonomy in the home.

Set aside time without your children. Schedule a date night or time out with adult friends. This will help keep your husband from feeling like one of the kids because you are reaffirming the importance of the relationship between the two of you.

Visit a marriage counselor and start a dialogue. If trying to resolve the problem at home just isn’t working, you might want try therapy. A marriage therapist can help start a dialogue between you and your spouse so that you can get to the root of the relationship problems together in Houston marriage counseling.

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Houston Marriage Counseling: The 7-Year Itch Is Real

It’s rare that a Houston marriage counseling client will come in for relationship help and tell me that they are suffering from the “7-year itch.” After all, that’s just an old wives’ tale that happened to become a Marilyn Monroe movie. There’s nothing behind it, is there?

As it turns out, there just might be. Those who study relationship trends report that there are several common times when a large number of people say that they become less satisfied with their relationship. The first is usually about four years after getting married; the second comes at the eight-year mark.

And, in fact, an inordinately high percent of my clients are people who have been married for eight to 12 years – right after they would have gone through that second dip in satisfaction colorfully termed the “7-year itch.”

Houston Marriage Counseling: What Causes the 7-Year Itch?

I wish I could tell you there’s a simple answer, but the things that make us have that “itch” at seven years are the same things that bother us at other times. We neglect our relationship because it already feels solid. We get distracted by work, friends, and kids. We let simple little frustrations with each other turn into big relationship problems.

What it boils down to is the simple fact that we get in a rut. Usually nothing is specifically bad, but it’s not particularly good, either. It feels like the excitement, romance, and passion are gone, and we’re not quite sure how to get them back. We start to wonder if we’re really in love anymore and if relationships are supposed to be this hard.

Fight the 7-Year Itch in Houston Marriage Counseling

The vast majority of people don’t act on their “itch,” but many do something just as bad – they bury it. Just like any other problem you’re having with your spouse, ignoring it won’t make it go away – it will cause it to fester until something truly bad happens.

What should you do? Talk with your partner about what’s bothering you in your relationship. Work to have more positive interactions with each other (dates, sexy messages, gifts, kissing, touching, talking) and eliminate negative ones. Carve out time – even if it’s just a few minutes a day. Many people discover that the problem wasn’t with their partner, but due to the fact that they weren’t doing anything that people in relationships do.

And if you still find that you’re struggling and need relationship help, seek it out. Talk to a therapist in Houston marriage counseling and make it a priority to work on your partnership.

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