When we hear the word “intimacy,” a lot of us immediately think of sex. It’s true that sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, but it’s not the only way that couples can be intimate. In fact, it’s a good idea to look for ways to take intimacy beyond your bedroom—sharing intimate moments with your partner brings the two of you closer together and serves as a great reminder that you care about one another. Read more
Mid-life crises have brought a number of people to my Houston marriage counselor office, but there’s one big part of these problems that you rarely ever hear about – lowered libido.
If you’re a woman over the age of 40 in the U.S., there’s a fairly decent chance that you may have been diagnosed as having a “low libido.” This isn’t exclusive to women – men’s sex drives can go down as well – but for the female half of the species, it seems to be something of an epidemic, and it’s not surprising that this can lead to some serious relationship issues.
After all, sexual intimacy is a big part of what makes us feel close to each other and bonded together, and when it goes away, partners on both sides can start to feel ashamed, unloved, inadequate, and even angry. A lack of connection is a major reason why many affairs begin, because if it’s not there in our romantic relationship, we’ll want to fulfill that need somehow.
Here’s the thing, though. That epidemic – it’s not real.
Houston Marriage Counselor: The Low Libido “Epidemic” Is Social and Cultural
I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that American society is ageist. We worship youth culture and try like crazy to keep ourselves from getting old, and when it inevitably happens, many of us – especially women – tend not to feel good about themselves.
How do I know that this problem is uniquely American? Because you can compare us to other countries. While we agonize over the aging process and obsess over each hair lost and each wrinkle gained, it wouldn’t be strange to see a middle-aged woman happily sunning herself on a nude beach in Europe. And just try to have a conversation about menopause with an Asian woman. They don’t know the minutiae – it’s just a part of life.
Low Libido Is Largely Emotional, Says Houston Marriage Counselor
Before anyone gets up in arms, let me clarify that there are quite a few people out there who really do have actual physical problems that lower their sex drive. Those cases are not what I’m talking about here.
I’m referring to the people who just don’t feel as interested in sex anymore after gaining five pounds or noticing a bald spot. They don’t feel attractive. They don’t feel good about who they are, so why would they want someone else intimately touching and looking at them?
Unfortunately, as mentioned above, this pulling away from intimacy causes relationship issues. To break through it, both partners have to work hard, and it may be helpful to work with an experienced Houston marriage counselor.
If I didn’t know it before, my Houston marriage counseling clients have taught me that sex is a hugely important part of a healthy relationship. Sex can help to make couples feel connected, and when that part of the equation isn’t quite working, it can cause lots of relationship issues.
The thing that I usually tell couples who are having difficulties is that, if they want to improve their sex life, they have to get intimate. At first, many of them just look at me confused – after all, isn’t that what they’re trying to do? Isn’t sex “getting intimate”?
While of course sex is intimate, there is a huge difference between intimacy and sex. With sex, it’s a pretty clearly defined act that involves two people coming together physically in ways that you learned about in middle school health classes. Intimacy, though, is so much more than just sex, and it’s important that you don’t confuse the two or you’ll really be facing some relationship issues!
Houston Marriage Counseling: What Is Intimacy?
Intimacy, by definition, is having a close, affectionate personal relationship with another person. For couples, sexual intimacy (sensual, not necessarily just genital touching) is just one. Other kinds of intimacy include verbal and emotional intimacy – and many intimate actions often involve several at once.
Verbal intimacy is opening my mouth and using language to expressing thoughts to your partner, getting them out of your head. Emotional intimacy is the same thing, but letting your partner know your honest emotions, too. “I am mad at you because…” “I felt hurt when you…”
So intimacy can include many things beyond sexual contact like:
- Holding hands
- Hugging
- Kissing
- Talking
- Sharing
If you think for a few seconds, you’ll likely be able to double or even triple that list. Intimacy just means being close, and taking the time to show that you enjoy being close. Beginning to see why I suggest getting intimate before you get intimate?
When couples are experiencing relationship issues related to problems in the bedroom, it is often because they’ve stopped taking the time to really show each other that they care in the million small ways we use early on in a relationship. Sex, over time, has become shorthand for intimacy, a way to say, “see, this is how I really feel.”
Unfortunately, without continuing to engage in all of those little intimate moments that enabled us to get to that big intimate moment in the first place, the luster of sex fades over time because it starts to mean less. When you notice this happening in your own relationship, take time out for some of the small stuff – you’ll be surprised by how much it really does help.
If you and your partner continue to experience difficulties after trying to reconnect in this way, it might be worth talking with a professional. Houston marriage counseling is always ready and willing to help.
One of the newer issues people seek marriage advice about in Houston relationship therapy is technology. As much as it’s improved our ability to stay in touch and get things done, in some ways technology has made it harder to connect!
Marriage Advice from Houston Relationship Therapy: Unplug!
Before smartphones and laptops, there were certain times of days that were exempt from the distractions of work life, particularly the time before going to bed and after waking up. These were times when couples could be alone together – with no children or chores distracting them from each other. I believe it helped us to stay connected by allowing us time to share about our day-to-day life and, of course, encouraging us to remain physically intimate.
Today, it’s all too easy to bring our professional concerns into this private space, and for many of us, our work day begins the second we get up and doesn’t end until we close our eyes for sleep at night. If this is the case in your household, one of the best pieces of marriage advice I can offer you is to put a stop to this practice!
Consider setting ground rules for technology. For example, decide on a certain span of hours where you will be available to work, or set aside certain times, such as dinner time and bed time, as “sacred” periods where technology is not allowed.
You may be surprised by how much better your marriage and your family functions once you start communicating face-to-face more – and how much happier you are for it! If you are struggling with marriage problems caused by technology, I encourage you to seek help in Houston relationship therapy.
Location and Hours
Damian Duplechain LPC Inc.
5959 West Loop 610 South, Suite 600,
Bellaire, TX 77401
713-409-8111
Monday -Friday: 8:30 am – 5 pm
Saturday & Sunday: Closed