4 Tips for Staying in Love for the Long Term

Long-term marital bliss doesn’t occur passively. People have to actively look for ways to stay in love. As a Houston relationship therapist, I’ve seen that couples who are willing to put in the effort are most often rewarded by a deeper, long-lasting relationship.

Here are four essential factors that can help keep you in love for the long term.

Stay Loyal

One of the greatest gifts your partner will ever get from you is your loyalty. Loyalty not only creates but also sustains a strong, unwavering bond of love for and confidence in each other.

Don’t be sucked in by your friends when they start disparaging their partners. Don’t be tempted to criticize your partner just because you think they won’t find out.

Marital issues come and go at lightspeed — you’re constantly experiencing frustrations, then working through those frustrations and getting over them. That’s just how it works. But family and friends are biased, and if you vent to them, they’re far more likely to hang on to those temporary spats much longer than you. That’s not good for anyone.

Instead, become your partner’s advocate – their champion! Limit your sharing to those with the educational background (and the professional ethics) to maintain confidentiality for you and your spouse. Someone like a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist.

Even if your partner isn’t initially interested, make that first step alone. There is loyalty in that, too – loyalty to the relationship. Because one person can often change a relationship by looking inward and learning how to invite their partner to do the same.

When your partner is ready to work on the relationship, consider joining an Imago Couples Workshop. This is another fun and therapeutic way to put in the time without having to fully dive in to couples’ therapy.

Remember, you and your partner are a team. You may disagree on some issues, but always remember that you’re both on the same side. It’s you and your partner against the world.

Acknowledge that the Honeymoon Period Ends

There will come a time when you will feel like you are no longer “in love”. Know that this isn’t an end to your relationship. The love you have for each other simply morphs into a partnership.

Think of it this way: love is like a marathon.

Initially, you jump into it with great energy and joy (the honeymoon period). Later, things might begin to go less smoothly than you anticipated. Every loving and committed relationship eventually transitions away from that initial stage of romantic love to one where conflict and frustration abound.

In this “power struggle” stage, many couples begin to feel stagnant. But the strong feelings and reasons that made you start the race in the first place are still there. You just have to work harder to maintain them now that the physical and chemical “boosts” you got at the beginning are gone.

A bit of insight and education can help you transform this inevitable phase into real love. The Imago Couples Relationship workshop is one of the most popular – and effective – programs in relationship education for easing couples through that process.

Is that really necessary? Maybe, maybe not. But remember, this is the main period of your togetherness. It’s not just going to be “fixed” and go away. Acknowledging the tough times is a good start, but learning how to navigate them will make the journey together far more enjoyable, making it easier to forge on and carry your love for each other through good times and bad.

Pay Attention

Your love for each other should be focused. But that can be difficult to maintain over time. Because life is full of distractions.

Work. Kids. Friends. Family. Hobbies.

This doesn’t mean you can’t have those things – you absolutely should! But you also need to create genuine, focused time for your partner at least once every day. During this time, communicate with each other and make it a priority to listen to your loved one.

One-on-one attention like this is what keeps people connected. Do not ignore it.

Show Affection

Attention and focus is great, but it’s just one part. You also need to show affection regularly.

How? That’s between the two of you!

There are as many ways of showing affection as there are stars in the heavens. So, think of how you can show that you feel affection for your partner.

Doing this will keep your love rich and vibrant. It’ll also remind you how much you love your partner and make you fonder of each other.

As you take these four tips to heart and practice them routinely, you will nourish and sustain a healthy relationship that’s filled with love for the long-haul.

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Start the New Year Right by Revisiting Your Past Together

During a rough patch, well-meaning friends and family may offer up the cliché advice, “Think about why you fell in love in the first place.” Well, clichés usually exist because there is at least a grain of truth to them!

As an experienced Houston relationship counselor, I can assure you that there’s a silo-full of truth ready to feed your relationship in this old adage.

When you’re in it for the long haul, life happens. It’s not always easy to view every experience through rose-colored glasses. But spending time revisiting your past together is important, and here’s why:

Science says so!

Here are a few ways to take a walk down memory lane as a couple.

Recreate Your Favorite Experiences Together

Try reincorporating some of your favorite experiences back when your love was fresh and new.

Think about the activities you’ve inadvertently left behind. Rekindle the romance by re-creating your favorite evenings for your monthly date night – maybe you both loved to dance until closing time or used to enjoy flight after flight of craft beer or wine.

Remember Your Favorite Times Together

If life is too hectic at this very moment, don’t fret. Research has proven the brain has difficulty discerning between what is real and what is imagined.

So, whether you’re re-living your favorite date night or simply taking a few minutes to reflect on an experience from that magical time when you were each the most important thing in the other’s life, your brain gifts you both a little serotonin boost.  

Reframe Past Experiences Together

You and your life partner are bound to have been thrown a curve ball or two, as well. At the time, neither one of you thought the situation was funny. But take some time to look back.

It may be a laughable moment now, and apart from exercise, laughter is one of the easiest ways to induce endorphin release. Thinking back to some of our most challenging moments together and reminding one another of your small victories ultimately strengthens your relationship, as well.

You’ll Both Be Happier for It

One recent study suggests that savoring happy memories or reframing painful past experiences can even increase your overall satisfaction with life. And anyone can attest to the difference between spending time with someone who seems satisfied with life and someone who doesn’t.   

Growing and changing over time is inevitable to the human experience. And when you’ve committed to a long-term relationship, you each have the choice whether to grow together – or grow apart.

If you and your partner are interested in keeping your commitment, then start the New Year right by revisiting your past together. Try to find a way to draw that sense of kindness and compassion, that eagerness to impress one another, out of your past and infuse it back into your future.

What have you got to lose?

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Houston Relationship Counselor: 10 Great Winter Dates

As we take down our 2018 calendars and get ready for the new year, it’s time to reflect. How can you strengthen your relationship this holiday season?

The answer often requires going back to basics. Enjoy these date night ideas to bring you and your partner together and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.

Cozy Up By the Fire

There’s nothing better in chilly weather than a snuggle by the fireplace. If you don’t have one, be sure to check out some pubs around Houston for a romantic evening, complete with a roaring fire.

Here are just some of the bars in Houston with fireplaces or fire pits:

  • The Remington at St. Regis Hotel
  • Tongue-Cut Sparrow
  • Bacco Wine Garden
  • By Popular Demand
  • Tribute Restaurant and Bar at The Houstonian

Take a Stroll Through Highland Village

Date night doesn’t have to stretch your budget. Walk through Highland Village and window shop. The palm trees are decked out with holiday lights, giving the area a nice festive (and romantic) vibe.

Enjoy Holiday Lights at the Zoo

If you’d rather see animals than price tags, head over to the Houston Zoo for their lights display! The lights will be up throughout the holiday season and into January. Take a stroll and enjoy a late-night visit with the animals.

Get Fresh

Every Saturday, local growers and families bring fresh food to the Urban Harvest Farmers Market. Take a stroll, plan some dinners in, and enjoy free samples for a fresh start to your weekend!

Classic Dinner Date – For Less!

The fun doesn’t end when New Year’s is over — Galveston Restaurant Week offers affordable nights out at Galveston Island’s best restaurants. Three-course dinners are as little as $35!

Restaurant Week runs from January 26 through February 19.

Revisit Houston’s Most Romantic Sight

Who says you have to go somewhere new every date night?

The Water Wall is a classic spot in Houston. Bring a picnic basket and enjoy the views of the 64-foot fountain that graces the background of every tourist photo in Houston (for good reason!)

Enjoy the World’s Best Bar-B-Que

We’re not kidding.

The World’s Championship Bar-B-Que Contest is the kick-off event for the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, which runs from late February to mid-March. Buy tickets and enjoy a warm plate of sliced brisket and beans.

Run a marathon!

Or just cheer on the runners. The Chevron Houston Marathon takes place on January 20, 2019. Spend the night before making fun signs to cheer on the runners as you watch the Houston community get together for this exciting event.

Take Me Down to Hot Pot City

Another way to warm up during the winter months is to indulge in a hot pot.

Hot Pot City allows you to choose hot pot options from Japan, China, Mongolia, Thailand, and Vietnam. Try something new and stay warm!

And here’s a bonus date…

Attend an Imago Relationship Workshop

No matter what stage of your relationship you’re in, you’ll both have fun as you learn new relationship tools and hone your communication skills.

In just two days, you’ll get the benefit of three to six months of couples therapy. What better use is there for your time together? You can see the upcoming Houston Imago relationship schedule here.

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Harnessing the Power of Response with Your Partner

“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“My boss was a real jerk.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. She made some errors, and now she’s demanding that my entire department come in over the weekend to clean up her mess. I kind of want to refuse. Stand up for myself. But I’m worried about getting in trouble.”
“Huh.”
“Okay. Guess I’ll get a shower and clean up.”
“Sounds good.”

Does that sound like an effective or productive conversation to you?

One partner was clearly trying to reach out to the other, but they just weren’t connecting.

Reading it like this, you might think that it sounds horrible. That you’d never do something like that to your spouse.

But the truth is that just about all of us do – at least from time to time. The world is filled with responsibilities that divide our attention and exhaust us to the point that we give minimal effort sometimes when we feel like it’s all we can do.

Television, cell phones, laptops, and other digital devices don’t help with this, either, pulling our focus away from what is happening in the moment. Even if we hear our partner say something, we may not actually listen, and choose to respond with a shrug, mumble, or even silence.

Do this too often with your spouse, though, and you’ll end up creating relationship issues, drifting further and further apart.

How can you stop yourself from falling into this pattern?

Pay Attention to Your Responses

Most of us don’t ignore our partners on purpose. We’re tired. Busy. Distracted.

Often, we may not even realize that we’re participating in this minimal way and how frustrated our responses are to our spouse.

This is why step one is simple and straightforward: pay attention to yourself. When your partner says something, pause what you’re doing and actually listen to how you respond.

Better yet, ask your spouse. Often, non-responses do not stick in your memory. After all, they are automatic responses that are overshadowed by activities that have our full attention and focus.

Your partner may have some surprising feedback regarding times when you simply shrugged or completely did not respond to them when they tried to start a conversation. By actively trying to pay more attention and talking to your spouse about times when they have gotten “non-responses” from you, it will be easier to stop engaging in this type of behavior.

Get in the habit of putting your work down, turning around, and looking your partner in the eye when they start talking. If you are in the middle of something that requires your immediate attention, tell your spouse this, apologize, and let them know when you will be available. If you do not hear them the first time, it is okay to ask them to repeat themselves.

Want specific advice on how to have more engaged conversations?

Respond Like a Tennis Player

No, you shouldn’t let out loud grunts with every response.

The idea is to think of every conversation with your partner as a tennis game. Their statements indicate the ball flying over to your side of the court. You need to pay attention to know where the ball’s going so you can send it flying back. And vice versa.

If we are still using the tennis game analogy, a shrug or not responding is the equivalent of standing still when it is your turn to hit the ball. These automatic responses aren’t enough to be considered “participation.” And a tennis match with only one participant is not a productive match at all.

Here’s how a normal, productive conversation might sound:

“What do you want for dinner tonight, honey?”
“I was thinking that we could heat up the leftover chicken from the other night. Is that okay?”
“I took some of that chicken into work for lunch today. Could we have something else?”
“Maybe we can just order takeout.”

In this “tennis game,” the players move the conversation back and forth, giving the second player chance to engage and respond after the first has finished.

When your partner says something to you, you are given the opportunity to respond in any way that you like. This opportunity comes with an infinite amount of choices and options, but often, we find ourselves automatically resorting to responses that don’t move our “tennis game” along.

Fight this urge. Apply intentionality to every possible part of your relationship. And consider doing this in every part of your life.

What is “intentionality”? Here’s a definition: “Intentionality is deciding what I want in MY life, and then BEHAVING in such a way as to make it happen.”

A few years after the publication of “Getting the Love You Want,” which is available in 20 languages and has sold more than any other book on committed love relationships, Harville Hendrix said, “Had I known back then what I know today, I wouldn’t have named the book that, but rather “Getting the Love You Say You Want.”

Hence, the importance of intentionality in achieving the marriage of your dreams.

Also, research suggests that successful relationships can be measured by the number of times each day that the partners turn toward instead of away from each other. Consider listening – really listening – instead of not listening in these terms. Every time your partner speaks to you, you can choose to turn toward them – or turn away.

As David Augsburger once said, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”

Want to unpack more relationship issues and address what is happening in your marriage? Reach out to a Houston relationship therapist today.

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