What You Can Do to Establish a Holiday Budget Together

One of the best pieces of relationship advice I can offer for couples around the holiday season is to establish a budget together – and stick to it! Money is a common source of conflict between spouses, and it’s likely that things are getting a little tighter around this time of year because of the added expenses of gifts and other festivities.

Relationship Advice for Talking about Money during the Holidays

Be as specific as possible. If you set a general gift budget, that’s a great start, but how much can you spend on each person? You both may have different ideas about who needs a present and how much to spend on each individual, so go through and make a list of everyone you want to give something to. Then break them up into budget categories. Maybe a list of people you will bake cookies for, a list of people who will get small gifts in the $15 to $20 range, and family members who will receive more.

Don’t forget to budget beyond gifting. Are you throwing a holiday party? Do you need a new outfit for the office party? Do you want to take advantage of a few great deals during the season for yourself? These things cost money, and you both should discuss them to make sure you’re on the same page.

Take a step back. As the Houston marriage counselor, I’ve found that one of the biggest obstacles people encounter when trying to talk about money is their tempers, so the relationship advice I offer is to take break from the discussion if things start to get heated. You should both be able to discuss your side of the situation in a calm way, and you need to be able to listen to your partner’s point of view and keep an open mind.

Stick to it. Once you’ve both agreed on a budget, it’s important that you both follow through. This shows your partner that you respect the agreement you came to together and will make money matters easier to deal with in the future. If you make a mistake and realize you’ve gone over budget, consider whether you can return the item and buy something else instead. Not possible? The best relationship advice for this situation is to be honest with your partner. Apologize, accept responsibility for the error, and look to see if there’s any place else you can trim to make up for the overage.

If you are having trouble talking about money matters during this holiday season or throughout the year, you can talk to the Houston marriage counselor to learn better communication skills and get relationship advice.

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Rediscover Your Partner after Children Leave the Nest, Says the Houston Marriage Counselor

Many of my Houston marriage counselor clients tell me that the day their children finally leave the house for good is a momentous one. They’ve spent the better part of two decades – at least! – shaping their lives around their kids, and with them finally out on their own, a vast hole opens up in their lives.

For some people, this can feel devastating. They become lost and depressed, disconnected from everything. For others, this time can feel exhilarating and freeing – with the kids gone, they can do whatever they want now!

But whether you’re both depressed or just feel like you’re on completely different emotional wavelengths, it can cause huge relationship problems.

The Houston Marriage Counselor: Respect Each Others’ Feelings

If you’re crying every day because your kids left but your spouse is happily spending time with her girlfriends, it might feel like she doesn’t care about the kids. Alternatively, if you’re excited to move on to the next part of your life with your spouse but all they do is walk around depressed, you might be hurt thinking they’re not interested in a life with just you anymore. Obviously, either of these situations can lead to bigger relationship problems if you don’t deal with them.

As the Houston marriage counselor, I tell my clients that this is a time for them to get to know each other again, and part of that means understanding where their feelings – and those of their spouse – are coming from. Being sad about the kids’ absence doesn’t mean your partner is depressed about being alone with you. And just because someone is excited to move on to the next phase of life, it isn’t a sign they don’t love the kids. But the only way you’re going to know that is by sitting down and talking to each other about how you feel and being understanding. Make several appointments as appropriate to dialogue about this issue. Dialogue, taking turns talking and really listening to one another, helps each person to say their truth within a safe place. Deeper connecting, even with separate realities, is the gift of acceptance and feeling heard within dialogue.

No matter how it feels to you, the kids moving out on their own is a natural and healthy part of life, and one that you have to come to accept. This goes for those feeling sad over the loss as well as those ready to move on – this isn’t a vacation where you need to move, move, move before it’s over. This is your life, and you don’t have to do everything at once.

Allow yourself and your spouse the time you need to recover from the change and settle into this new life together. Don’t go overboard planning long and intensive excursions before both of you are ready, but do get out of the house to see friends, take classes, or just go on dates together.

Also, don’t be afraid to set times to call or visit with your kids – they may seem annoyed, but I can tell you from experience that they will miss you, too, even if they won’t tell you. Just be sure to set a limit on the contact you have. Too much isn’t a good way for you to move on to the next stage of your life, and it can allow them to have an unhealthy dependency that prevents them from becoming responsible adults.

If you’ve tried all of this and are still experiencing relationship problems related to empty nest syndrome, seek out the Houston marriage counselor for more help.

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The Houston Relationship Counselor Explains How to End the Cycle of Fighting

If my time as the Houston relationship counselor has taught me anything, it’s that couples argue. And most of the time this is just part of a normal, healthy relationship. Disagreements are a necessary part of open and honest communication. However, when those disagreements start to turn into perpetual fights, it can lead to real marriage problems.

The interesting thing about most ongoing fights between couples is that they follow the same pattern. The instigator makes a critical statement and the other partner responds in either a resentful or contemptuous manner, making the instigator defensive. To combat this, they continue attacking, which causes their partner to ignore them – essentially “checking out” of the conversation – and of course this makes the instigator even more frustrated. Why aren’t they even listening to me?

You probably recognize the above pattern, and you can see how repeating it constantly would damage a relationship and create marriage problems. Thankfully, the Houston relationship counselor can help.

Recognize the Cycle and Break It, Says the Houston Relationship Counselor

Even the best of us will find ourselves going down this path from time to time, but there are ways to avoid it, and by recognizing what we’re doing, we even have the power to stop it in the middle of a fight.

Timing is everything. If your partner has hurt you in some way or done something you don’t like, the Houston relationship counselor will tell you that it’s important that you talk about it. However, that doesn’t mean you need to do it while you’re still hurting or angry, or when your partner is stressed or tired. Take the time to let both of you calm down and try to enter into the discussion without criticism.

It’s about you. This may seem like odd advice when you’re trying to take each other’s feelings into account, but go into the conversation from the perspective of how things make you feel. Instead of yelling about them always going out with their friends, for instance, say that you miss them and wish they were around more for you to spend time together.

“Winning” the argument may be losing the war. Remember that this is about your relationship, not whatever individual issue you’re dealing with right now that’s causing the marriage problems. If your partner says something unintentionally mean, don’t take that as an opportunity to fight fire with fire. Arguments are emotional, and mistakes happen. Instead, stop for a second and then let them rephrase. You both want the same thing – to improve your relationship.

Walk away… but come back. If things get too tense, sometimes taking a breather is the best course of action. This will help keep the argument from escalating further and give your spouse the opportunity to apologize if they feel they’ve said something they didn’t mean. But if you do put the conversation on pause, make sure you come back to it or you’ll only make things worse.

Breaking the cycle requires that both of you be committed to the cause of altering the way that you communicate with each other and dealing with your disagreements in a healthier way. If you feel that you and your partner just can’t accomplish this on your own, don’t be afraid to seek out the Houston relationship counselor.

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Talk Honestly with Your Partner About In-Law Problems

Many of my newlywed clients seek out Houston relationship counseling because of problems with their in-laws. But it’s not just limited to newlyweds — even couples who have been together for years can have these types of issues.

Perhaps mom or dad-in-law are clingy and around all the time. Or the couple will make a decision, only to have one discover that the decision has been overturned after their spouse has a chat with mom and dad. Or the in-laws – intentionally or unintentionally – seem to belittle everything their son or daughter’s spouse says or does. Whatever the problem, the slighted partner doesn’t know how to deal with the situation because they feel like bringing it up will cause a fight between them and their spouse.

And here’s the truth: it might. Family politics can be quite touchy, and anything that could be perceived as a slight against parents may cause hurt feelings and anger. But there’s a greater truth. Not talking about it will be worse, because the problem won’t just go away. Besides, if you’re in a serious relationship, these are the kinds of tough problems you’ll have to deal with.

Marriage Advice: Talk about It Now to Avoid Bigger Problems Later

Houston relationship counseling will tell you that if you’re having a problem with your in-laws and don’t deal with it, the problem will only get worse. If the in-laws are causing you frustration now, what happens when they disagree with how you raise your kids and you haven’t spoken with your spouse about their behavior? The best marriage advice I can give my clients is to bite the bullet and talk to their significant other.

Treat it the way you would any sensitive situation. Be aware of your spouse’s feelings and don’t bad-mouth their parents, but explain how their actions are making you feel. In Houston relationship counseling, I advise my clients to be positive instead of negative. If the in-laws are intruding too much, say you want the best for your relationship together, and that means spending more alone time with your spouse. If they are undercutting decisions you’ve made together, tell your significant other you want to show the world that you’re both adults and can make your own choices.

Obviously, each specific situation is going to be different, but going into it by talking about the positives you hope to achieve in your relationship together can go a long way toward assuaging any hurt feelings. If, after trying to talk to your significant other, you still feel like he or she is letting the in-laws come between you, seek out Houston marriage counseling.

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