Prepare Your Marriage for Retirement with Houston Relationship Counseling

My clients in Houston relationship counseling generally seem to understand that there are a lot of changes and milestones that they will have to adapt to relatively early on in their partnerships. Going from open dating to exclusivity, from living separately to moving in together, and from couplehood to actual marriage are all huge steps that can change the nature of your relationship and your interactions with each other in ways you may not expect, but most people inherently understand, accept, and go in willing and ready to work to be better together.

But after a couple has been together through many of the changes of adult life, possibly even having children together, the fact that retirement could bring yet another disruption and cause problems doesn’t even occur to most people. After all, how could this be harder to deal with than getting junior through his teen years or struggling through that period where both of you were jobless and scraping by?

To top it off, retirement typically is a time that couples look forward to. They believe they’ll finally have freedom to enjoy their lives and reinvigorate their relationship. So when all that freedom turns to depression, arguments, boredom, or just overall disappointment, it can really cause problems in your marriage – especially if each of you has a different idea about how your new lives should go.

Houston Relationship Counseling: Make a Retirement Plan

The best marriage advices I can give to couples thinking about retirement is to talk it out and make a plan together. Much like when you were planning to get married, you might think you know what your partner wants, but discover through talking about it that you’re not on the same page at all. Finding this out can be frustrating, even in Houston relationship counseling sessions, but it’s far worse to learn about these differences after retiring. There are a number of things couples should discuss before retirement, including:

  • How much time do they want to spend together? This can obviously be a touchy subject, but is one of the most important things for couples to really think about in a serious way. Many people romanticize all of the extra time they’ll get with their spouse, only to realize that their spouse is more interested using his or her new freedom to play golf, take classes, or volunteer. Neither of these paths is necessarily bad, but both of you should know the expectations of your partner.
  • How will responsibilities change? While more and more couples split home duties with both partners working jobs throughout the relationship, retirement can change what one partner expects of another, especially if one person retires first. Is that person now going to be the “homemaker,” doing all the cooking and cleaning while the other partner remains at work? How are they going to adjust to this new role? Or if the relationship has had a “traditional” set up, what will the retiring partner’s new responsibilities be?
  • What are finances like, and will work need to continue after “retirement”? You’ve likely saved some, but have you saved enough? Are both of you aware enough of your finances to know what to expect from retirement? It can be quite a shock if one partner dreams of constant vacations in his or her golden years only to discover that you can barely afford to keep your house. The bottom line is that both of you need to be prepared for what you’re getting into, and it may mean that one or both of you decides to look for part-time work, hopefully doing something easier and more fun than your career work.
  • Where will you live? Some couples are happy keeping the home they’ve had for years because they are comfortable there. Others like to downsize or move to more exciting locales to try something new. Are you and your spouse on the same page?

My ultimate marriage advice: communicate and respect each other. If you’ve lasted this long together, most likely you’ve already learned this, but if you want a successful, happy relationship, you have to be able to talk things out and adapt to your partner’s plans and desires, just like he or she should adapt to yours. Most couples find the transition to retirement fairly smooth with a little planning, but if you and your significant other feel that you need further advice, check out Houston relationship counseling.

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Houston Relationship Counseling: Just Say No to the “D” Word

Triggers are one of the things I talk about early on with my Houston relationship counseling clients. What are triggers? They are words and actions that, for whatever reason, have a negative emotional connection for us and tend to set us off. Often they cause anger, fear, depression – any number of emotions that you’d be better off staying away from in general, but especially when you’re fighting with your loved one and already in a heightened emotional state.

Some of these triggers are highly personal, based on things that have occurred in an individual person’s life. Others, however, have attained such a societal significance that we react negatively to them even when we don’t have a specific, personal connection to the trigger. These can include certain rude gestures, racial and sexual discriminatory terms, and words the make us think of all the negative things that come with them. For relationships, few words are “dirtier” than divorce, and if your partner starts throwing it in your face in the middle of an argument – whether or not they are truly being serious – it can cause real anxiety and place the relationship in a precarious position.

Houston Relationship Counseling: “Divorce” Can Increase Marriage Problems

 

Sometimes, in the middle of an emotional disagreement, one person brings out the hammer: “Why don’t we just get a divorce, then?” Usually this isn’t meant with any real intent behind it; it’s coming from a place of frustration and anger about whatever smaller relationship issue the couple is currently arguing about. Unfortunately, the word carries with it such strong connotations that using it in a threatening manner against your partner can cause a number of negative feelings that won’t help anything. Not only will it not help solve your current argument, it will create a deeper divide between you and bring up a host of new issues, possibly even driving you to marital therapy over what was initially a small problem.

Houston Relationship Counseling: Put Your Energy in the Positive

Bringing up an “out” like divorce in the middle of an argument only hurts things. It causes both of you to focus on the negative instead of finding positive solutions to work things out between you. Why should either of you try if it seems like one of you is already willing to give up?

So don’t even go there. Tell your partner you’re frustrated, tell him or her something needs to change, but do so in a way that shows you’re looking to change together so that you can move forward as a couple. Listen to each other and be willing to adapt. And if you really start to fear that you can’t work things out on your own without considering divorce, try marital therapy in Houston relationship counseling.

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Houston Marriage Counseling: Have Fun Together to Stay Happy

I realized a long time ago that my Houston marriage counseling clients that seemed the happiest and had the longest-lasting relationships tended to be the ones who found ways to have fun doing things together. Studies have borne this out, with researchers finding that couples who share around 5 positive, caring, fun, or affectionate experiences for every 1 time they argue, hurt each others’ feelings, or have a misunderstanding are far more happy in their relationships than those who have fewer good times.

It seems pretty obvious when you think about it; people who enjoy each others’ company and have fun tend to be happier together. But often we forget how to have fun together over time, and that’s when couples end up in therapy.

Re-Learn How to Have Fun Together in Houston Marriage Counseling

There’s no magic switch that gets flipped off when we stop having fun with our spouse. Over time, life tends to get in the way. The initial chemical rush of being together gives way to things like paying bills, getting the kids to school on time, and doing laundry. Not to mention the fact that “proximity + time” is a perfect equation for conflict. You are going to fight with your partner. It’s inevitable and, in moderate doses, even part of a healthy relationship. But it becomes a drag on your partnership when those negative interactions start to overshadow the positive ones.

You can get past this and recapture the love and fun that brought you together in the first place by working on it in Houston marriage counseling. The goal is for each of you to show the other that you are there for them and they matter to you. How? A kind of therapy that both of you should enjoy: make time for each other.

Set a date night. If you find that life gets in the way of enjoying each others’ company, sometimes the best solution is to make a standing meeting – with each other! Date night should be treated like any meeting you’d have for your work, and you need to make a point to turn off the rest of your life and enjoy the time together.

Have an adventure. In a recent study, couples that tried new and “exciting” things together were more satisfied in their relationship than those who tended to do the same old things – even if they enjoyed those things. And “exciting” doesn’t have to mean skydiving. Going dancing, or to a play or concert can be just as invigorating if it’s not part of your regular routine.

Protect your time together. Beyond just turning off the phone and refraining from checking your work email, it is often a good idea to make “fun together time” a fight-free zone. Don’t avoid arguments – make it clear that whatever the issue is, it will be discussed and resolved so that it doesn’t fester – but make a rule that disagreements will be put on pause so that you can enjoy each other.

If this “therapy” doesn’t work for you, feel free to contact our Houston marriage counseling offices and schedule an appointment for advice specific to your relationship.

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Houston Marriage Counselor: What’s the Secret to Marital Success?

As the Houston marriage counselor, I have heard many times over the years from people in long-term marriages that the secret to their success is simple: don’t give up! These couples have made a commitment not to leave the relationship, either to separate or divorce, even when it gets tough.

Maybe this seems a little too simple to you, but it’s really just makes sense. When both people in the relationship have made the decision to work things out, failure isn’t an option. You find ways to make it work, by taking steps to learn relationship skills, improving communications, and finding new ways to compromise.

This rule of “not giving up” not only applies to the relationship overall, but also to individual relationship problems. While at times it can be the right decision to walk away from a particular argument to allow both parties to cool down, it’s never a good idea to simply ignore a problem and hope it goes away. It’s always possible to come to a better understanding and find ways that both of you can be satisfied with the outcome.

Seek Help from the Houston Marriage Counselor

As an Imago therapist, I believe in marriage. I think most couples can get past their issues by learning new relationship skills in order to have a happy, successful, long-lasting marriage. If you are having relationship problems, I encourage you not to give up! Instead, seek help from the Houston marriage counselor and learn new ways to connect with your partner.

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