Houston Relationship Counseling: Avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

In Houston relationship counseling, one of the simplest pieces of marriage advice I offer is to avoid behaviors that are damaging to your relationship and be aware when you’re headed down a bad path. But how do you recognize signs of trouble when they come up.

Dr. John Gottman has identified several behaviors that are good predictors of a troubled relationship, which he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Keep an eye out for them as an indication that you may want to seek help from Houston relationship counseling.

Criticizing vs. Complaining – Every relationship has problems, and complaining when your partner has made a mistake or failed to follow-through on something is normal. But when you notice that these complaints start becoming overall criticism of your significant other’s character or personality, this may mean trouble. For example, a complaint would be, “You forgot to bring the milk home like I asked,” while a criticism of the same action might be, “You always forget everything. I can’t count on you!”

Contempt – This is behavior that I often see from clients struggling in Houston relationship counseling. It is disrespectful and communicates your disgust, such as sneering, making sarcastic remarks, rolling your eyes, mocking, insulting, being condescending, or engaging in hostile humor. The best marriage advice for fighting is to work towards reconciliation, and these behaviors won’t do that. Instead, they’ll actually make the conflict worse.

Becoming Defensive – “I’m not the problem; you are!” Don’t avoid responsibility for your part in the conflict instead of acknowledging the issue. Just because your partner made a mistake yesterday doesn’t mean that their complaint from today isn’t true. Take the time to listen with an open mind.

Stonewalling – If you have a pattern of intense arguing, or when contempt, criticism, and defensiveness have become a regular part of your communication, often one partner will eventually act as if he or she couldn’t care less. The stonewaller will simply tune out.

Seek Houston Relationship Counseling If the Four Horsemen Have Appeared in Your Marriage

Do you recognize these behaviors from your marriage? Then it may be time to seek marriage advice from Houston relationship counseling.

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Houston Marriage Counselor’s Advice: Learn to Love Yourself

As the Houston marriage counselor, I’ve found that there’s one piece of relationship advice most have my clients have heard before: you must love yourself before you can love another. But what does it really mean? It’s simple: in order to build a healthy relationship, you need to begin with you. If you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself, it’s difficult – maybe even impossible – to develop a positive connection with someone else. What it boils down to is self-esteem.

This piece of relationship advice isn’t about narcissism or selfishness; it’s learning how to love yourself at no one else’s expense. It’s not about ignoring your flaws or imperfections; it’s about accepting them and practicing self-forgiveness and self-compassion.

If you have positive self-esteem, it means you have a good opinion of yourself regardless of what others think. Your self-image isn’t dependent on others’ compliments or insults. You know your own intrinsic value.

Houston Marriage Counselor on How to Develop Better Self-Esteem

If you find yourself struggling with low self-esteem, there are exercises you can do to work on building a more positive self-image. As a Houston marriage counselor, I tell my clients to sit down and make a few lists when they run into a situation where they feel bad about themselves.

  1. Write down three things you can do to improve how you’re feeling – that aren’t dependent on others. For example, you can take a warm bath, go for a walk, or listen to music.
  2. Write down three people you love and feel connected to in a warm, caring way.
  3. Write down three things you have done that are compassionate or to support and protect others.
  4. Write down three things that you think are beautiful, and make a plan to appreciate those things more often, whether that means taking a trip to enjoy an ocean view or spending more time with your child.

Take the time to do this every time that you are feeling down about yourself. It will remind you about your positive attributes – your compassion and strength. It will also empower you to slow down and appreciate the things in life that really matter, the beauty that surrounds us and the people we love. And it will also provide you with a list of activities and ways that you can help yourself to cope with negative feelings in a productive way.

Many of my Houston marriage counselor clients admit to feeling silly doing this exercise at first. What can words on a page really do? It turns out, they can do a lot! Studies have found that reflecting in this way on a regular basis does have an effect on your outlook. Over time, you may find that you take more joy from your life, enabling you take – and give – more joy in your marriage.

Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Relationship Advice

If you are struggling with low self-esteem and the marriage issues it causes, I encourage you to seek help from the Houston marriage counselor.

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Therapy Can Teach You How to Skip Small Talk and Get Intimate

Therapy isn’t something normally recommended for people early on in a relationship. It’s one of those words that seems to indicate that there’s a “problem,” and no one wants to admit that when they are just starting out.

However, as theHoustonrelationship counselor, I can tell you that there is a lot to be learned from therapy and the therapeutic process that can help you develop a deeper, more intimate relationship with your partner much more quickly. How? By skipping the small talk and digging into the things that really matter.

Methods Used in Therapy Help in Having More Meaningful Conversations

Small talk is a social skill that we all learn early on as a way to interact with people we don’t really know all that well. We ask how people are, talk about the weather, mention a recent news story. As theHoustonrelationship counselor, even I find myself doing this. It’s just something we’ve gotten used to doing.

But if you find yourself falling into this trap with your partner, stop and take a step back. You want to get to know each other so that you can connect emotionally and take the relationship to the next level. Therapy can help you do this – and that doesn’t mean you have to divulge past traumas!

Be passionate. What’s your favorite book? Are you into politics? Obsessed with a particular TV show? Talking about something that matters to you and letting your partner see you be excited will often cause them to open up too.

Be attentive. Don’t wait for your turn to speak; listen and show them that you are listening and that you care.

Be agreeable. This doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice your principles if they say something you completely disagree with, but you should try to find common ground. This could be something you both like to do, a similarity in backgrounds – anything!

Be comfortable. Talking about what really excites you or scares you with a bunch of other people around might not be your thing, so find a place where disclosure is easier. The goal is for both of you to be relaxed so that you let your guards down.

Utilize these therapy methods well and you should be well on your way to a real connection. If, however, you’ve worked hard to connect and simply feel like it’s not happening, or that you’ve lost a great connection that you once had with each other, it might be worth your while to seek out therapy with the Houston marriage counselor.

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Couples Workshops: Time Together Can Be the Best Therapy

In my years of working with clients in Houston marriage counseling, I’ve found that couples workshops can often be just as effective as sessions with some therapists. This may seem strange – after all, shouldn’t you see far more improvement from all that 1-on-1 time with a therapist? You’ve got attention, privacy, focus – why wouldn’t it work better? That’s because there are lots of great things about couples workshops that you don’t get in the same way with 1-on-1 therapy sessions.

This is not to say that 1-on-1 therapy sessions are not helpful; in fact, many of my greatest successes with clients come from this kind of therapy. But if you’re still dipping your toes into the therapy waters, a couples workshop might be the way to go, especially if you are simply more intimidated by individual therapy sessions than by a group setting.

Reasons to Choose Couples Workshops

Immersion – There’s a big difference between going to a 1-hour session once a week and going away with your spouse to couples workshops for the weekend. You get to spend 48 solid hours with each other working on strengthening your relationship and reconnecting.

Cost – For the amount of time you get together, couples workshops are far less expensive than ongoing weekly therapy sessions.

Try before you buy – If you and your spouse aren’t sure how you feel about a certain therapist, attending a weekend workshop hosted by one – or several – can be a great way to get a feel for the person you’re trusting to help your relationship.

Modeling – A weekend away with other couples gives you the opportunity to observe their behavior – good and bad – and learn from it.

Learn skills – Because of their group focus, many couples workshops do activities and try to teach relationship skills rather than simply having you talk about your problems like you would in 1-on-1 therapy.

If you’re interested in couples workshops with Houston marriage counseling, contact our offices today for more information.

 

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