Houston Relationship Counselor: How Gender Norms Cause Power Struggles

As the Houston relationship counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the trends that begin to emerge with certain kinds of problems. Recently, I wrote about power plays and how trying to “win” in a relationship just leads to both of you losing.

The feeling of self-importance that leads to this attitude can come from many places, but one of the most prevalent in our culture has to do with our societally approved gender roles and dynamics. Most men tend to unconsciously take on the dominant or “winning” role, while most women are submissive “losers,” with the result being that the couple suffers from marriage issues because one person is constantly giving in to the other.

In general, these unconscious desires to be dominant or submissive stem from childhood. Despite attempts to level the gender playing field, our culture still tends to favor men, and from a young age, we are well aware of this. Men hold positions of power. Men get to fight in wars, play professional sports, and beat up the bad guys in action movies. Obviously, there are examples of women doing this too, but culturally they are “male” activities. Boys and girls internalize this and it affects them, even if they don’t realize it.

Houston Relationship Counselor: Is Turning the Tables Better?

But what about relationships where the woman is the dominant force. We all know couples where it’s clear who really “wears the pants” in the family, right? Maybe their parents told them not to let anyone control them and raised them to feel strong, smart, and entitled. Are those relationships healthier for subverting cultural norms?

Hopefully my use of “wearing the pants” gives you a clue to the answer. As silly and sexist as the phrase is, this is what our culture tends to do when people stray from the norms. Couples where the woman plays the dominant role will not only have the same marriage issues as relationships where the man dominates, they will also have to deal with the societal repercussions of being different. Men who submit to their wives are “henpecked” or “whipped” or whatever new colorful phrase we’ve come up with most recently.

What, then, is the solution? Equality. Both people in a relationship have to see each other as equals and respect each other’s opinions fully, realizing that neither one of them matters more than the other, regardless of their sex. But if your sense of entitlement is subconscious, how can you deal with it?

Houston Relationship Counselor: Consciously Recognize Your Partner’s Equality

The only weapon against subconscious behavior is to recognize that we might be doing it – even when we think we aren’t. If you head into a disagreement only thinking about why you are right and your partner is wrong, you’re going to have marriage issues regardless of your sex.

Instead, consciously strive to see each other’s point of view. Work to develop empathy and understanding. And ask yourself if you are trying to “win” because you actually believe in what you’re fighting for or because you simply don’t want to lose and give up that “power” to your partner. If you and your partner are unable to find equality and balance in your relationship on your own, contact the Houston marriage counselor for help today.

/by

Houston Marriage Counseling: When One “Wins,” You Both Lose

Sometimes in Houston marriage counseling, my clients tell me that they feel like their relationship is a battle. They “win” and get their way, “lose” and have to give in to their partner (usually feeling resentful), or have an ongoing fight because no one will give in.

As you might imagine, this kind of behavior causes all kinds of relationship problems. It emphasizes your importance over that of your relationship, and – more importantly – your partner. Imagine how you would feel if your spouse simply said, “I want this and I am doing it because I am more important than you.” It would feel awful! But that is exactly what people are doing when engaging in “win-lose” behavior.

Houston Marriage Counseling: No One Is More Important Than Anyone Else

We all have wants, needs, thoughts, and dreams. Unfortunately, many times the wants and needs of those around us come into conflict with our own. When people view these diverging viewpoints as “winning” or “losing,” it causes relationship problems.

Instead, people in relationships should strive to understand why their partners feel the way that they do – even if their feelings are the polar opposite! No one should ever have to feel bad for expressing their needs and beliefs. This means that your partner respects your feelings and you respect theirs because (and here’s the important part) everyone deserves respect and their desires are equally important.

Houston Marriage Counseling: Equality Means Finding a Win-Win

Once you acknowledge that your partner’s needs are just as important as yours, both of you can talk about how to balance your desires so that both of you get what you want – or at least a version of what you want. Part of negotiating or compromising in this way means that both sides will likely need to give in a bit, but trust me when I say that both of you will be happier ultimately.

Acknowledging your equality and thinking about your partner’s needs as well as your own will put an end to power plays that cause stress and ongoing arguments. It will also allow both of you to be more trusting and open with each other, and help to deepen your connection and solidify your relationship.

If you and your partner are struggling from power plays and can’t seem to move past your issues yourself, Houston marriage counseling can help.

/by

Houston Marriage Counselor: How Your Core Values and Self-Esteem Are Related

Several of my Houston marriage counselor clients commented about my recent blog on the importance of self-esteem in a relationship, referring to the age-old advice that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself first. For many seeking relationship help, this is at the root of the issue. They struggle with their own issues, so it becomes even more difficult for them to work out problems with their spouse.

Houston Marriage Counselor Shares an Easy Way to Understand Self-Esteem

As the Houston marriage counselor, I teach that evaluating self-esteem can be simple. To the extent that your behaviors are congruent with your core values, you’ll feel the best about yourself, and thus have high self-esteem. And when your behaviors are not congruent with your core values, you will feel badly about yourself, and thus suffer from low self-esteem.

So what are core values? A few examples are integrity, compassion, responsibility, commitment, and honor. Everyone has different core values that they hold dear to their heart and that drive their life, but probably the strongest of all core values for most people is compassion – truly caring about reducing, if not eliminating, the suffering of a fellow human being.

Yet many of us are in desperate need of self-compassion. The next time you make a mistake or find yourself struggling, remember to treat yourself as you would treat a best friend. You’re not responsible for the first thoughts that pop into your head – only what you do with them. Do you allow them to continue, or do you put a stop to them?

It’s not immoral or “bad” to simply think about homicide – otherwise most of us would be guilty! But what you do after you have a negative thought – whether it’s as bad as homicide or as simple as putting off a task that needs to be done – this is what matters.

If you recognize that you are struggling with low self-esteem, don’t beat yourself up about it – take action to make a change. If you are to become a great spouse, lover, parent, friend, or anything else, your success rests largely on how well you can love yourself. Get relationship help! Try the self-esteem exercise I shared in my past blog, or come talk to the Houston marriage counselor.

/by

Houston Relationship Counselor: Tips to Choose the Right Therapist

As the Houston relationship counselor, I know that going through therapy with your partner is an intimate and emotionally draining experience. It’s hard enough to bare your soul to your spouse, but a complete stranger? How do you know if you can trust the “expert” giving you advice? What are their beliefs about marriage and relationships? How can you tell if you’ll be comfortable around them? One way to get a trial run with your therapist is to attend couples workshops.

Houston Relationship Counselor: “Try Out” Therapists at Couples Workshops

Attending an evening or weekend workshop can be a great way to get a feel for a Houston relationship counselor before you commit to ongoing sessions. You’ll be able to see them in action as they work with you and other couples, and likely get at least a slice of their philosophy and style. Plus, couples workshops often have bios for the therapists running them, so you can see their credentials and learn a bit about their career.

For you, it’s less personal because you won’t have a lot of one-on-one time with the therapist. You can get used to them before you decide to let them into your life. And if their personality or beliefs don’t mesh with your own, you’ll probably still benefit from the time spent with your spouse, and you’ve only spent money for one workshop.

If you’re going to the trouble of looking for a therapist to save your marriage, you want to make sure that the person running your sessions is just as committed to making your relationship work. The things you should ask yourself when looking for the right therapist are:

  • Does the therapist listen?
  • Do you trust him or her?
  • Do you feel confident in his or her abilities?
  • Do you feel comfortable and safe?
  • Do you feel respected?
  • Do you feel like your marriage is important to him or her?

At my clients’ initial session, I tell them to think about these things. If they are not comfortable with me or my style, I encourage them to talk to me about it if they think it will help, or to seek out a different therapist if they don’t believe the issue can be solved. The most important thing is that you are able to really open up with your Houston relationship counselor.

/by