Don’t Use These Phrases when Talking through a Conflict with Your Spouse

When two partners are discussing a conflict, things can move faster than you can think. Emotions run high. And those feelings can run you into places that you don’t want to go.

When this happens, we speak without thinking. We may say the first thing that comes to our mind. Even if what we say is not meant to hurt our loved one, it can spin the conversation out of control. 

Don’t let this happen to you when talking through a conflict. If you find any of these phrases on the tip of your tongue, bite that tongue. These phrases can escalate the conflict, and they won’t help you come to a couple’s agreement.  

“Calm down!”

You may not understand why your spouse is mad. But invalidating their feelings will get you nowhere. “Calm down” tells another person that they are being irrational. Their feelings are “wrong.” A person may go so far to think that this request is an insult. If you can avoid any phrases in a conflict, avoid this one. 

“At least you’re not ____” 

Everyone is going through their own personal struggles. Everyone has problems. Bringing up someone else’s issues will not solve yours. Suggesting that someone should be “grateful” for something that upsets them will not get you further in an argument. 

“It must be hormones.” 

Yikes! Blaming someone’s emotions or concerns on hormones will never end well. When your partner comes to you with a conflict, sit down and listen to them. If you are not sure why they are upset, ask. And then listen to their response. Brushing off someone’s concerns will not make them go away. 

“You always do this!”

Pointing out a spouse’s “faults” or a habit that you don’t like will not help the conversation. Why are your spouse’s actions hurting you? Have you talked to them about this before without any accusations? Rather than pointing fingers, open your arms to your spouse. Communicate your concerns gently. Empathize with their reasoning for behaving in a certain way. Move on from there. 

“It’s over!” 

Threats are not a healthy form of communication. Empty threats are even less effective. Don’t dangle your marriage in front of your spouse in order to change their behavior. Shift the conversation. How do their actions make you feel? Why are you so concerned about your spouse’s behavior? This brings your partner into the conversation, rather than pushing them out of your life. 

Need Relationship Help? Talk to a Relationship Counselor 

Conflict resolution requires more than eliminating nasty phrases. Both partners need to listen, empathize, and learn from what the other person is saying. 

These are skills that can be acquired and practiced. A relationship counselor can help you hone these skills and resolve any conflict with your spouse in a healthy, loving way

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Dating Your Spouse Is More Than Just a Trivial Pursuit

Great strides have been made in recent years in the scientific study of relationships in several areas. We better understand the strengths that enable life partners to lead fulfilling lives, bringing out the best attributes within one other, and we know how to help people enhance their life experiences.

Imago Relationships Worldwide is the largest organizations of well-trained specialists in Couples Therapy, and the world leader of research into Relationships, with its research currently centered at the University of Pennsylvania’s Behavioral Health Department within the Perelman School of Medicine. Part of that research is centered on the concept of continuously cultivating happiness together. As a result, a growing body of evidence lends to the idea that deliberately deciding to date your spouse may be a highly effective way to do it.

The Happiness Set-Point

We’ll start by talking about “hedons.”

What in the world is a “hedon”? It’s a unit of pleasure used to theoretically weigh people’s happiness. Scientists suggest that our general level of happiness is determined by factors such as heredity and personality traits engrained early on by our familial experiences. (In Imago theory, this is known as imprinting, forming our character structure, which includes our defensive behaviors).

That relative sense of well-being you feel is known as your hedonic (or happiness) set-point, and remains nearly constant throughout your life. Certain experiences may cause temporary fluctuation, but those changes are not permanent.

The cycle of shifting away from and back to a feeling of normalcy is the heart of what is known as hedonic adaptation.

Hedonic Adaptation Theory

Hedonic adaptation theory observes that humans have a tendency to return (rather quickly, actually) to the same neutral level of happiness they typically experience after any out-of-the-ordinary event is over, regardless of its positive or negative impact.

However, emerging evidence has led to a belief that when you make out-of-the-ordinary events a regular part of your routine, there is an opportunity for you to increase your baseline happiness set-point.

Relationship therapists have, in turn, dedicated time and research to seeking out those things that can lead to lasting change in raising your happiness set-point as a couple.

Higher Set-Point – Happier Marriage

As Prince (and 85% of Americans under 30) would say, when we decide to commit to a life-long partnership, it means forever. And that’s a mighty long time.

As a Houston relationship therapist, there are dozens of reasons I suggest my clients revive regular date nights. But all of them are rooted in that same idea of cultivating a greater sense of happiness between them over the long haul.

Experiencing (safe) risks and challenges is exciting. Forcing yourselves to look at things in different ways promotes creativity. And seeing each other in new scenarios often rekindles those old sparks that made you fall for one another in the first place.

Not to mention, you two will have something new to talk and reminisce about until the next adventure.  

This is where re-romanticizing tools from the Imago couples workshop come in. These tools include fun, caring, and loving behaviors, flooding, and surprises. Another extremely important tool is the Platinum Rule: find out what says “I love you” to your partner, and then gift them with it without any conditions.

The wise spouse works to increase hedons in their partner’s brain. The idea is to change your partner’s brain from associating you with pain and discomfort to pleasure and safety. The ideal is that your spouse thinks to themselves, “I’ve got a good deal with him/her!”

So, get out there and keep things interesting!

Because dating your spouse is more than just a trivial pursuit. The more often you do it, the more likely you are to increase your general sense of well-being. A higher happiness set-point equals a longer, happier marriage.

Need ideas for raising that happiness set-point? Looking for individualized suggestions? We’re always here to help.

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Why Your Marriage Needs a Weekend Getaway

Take a look at your schedule. How much private time do you have with your partner this month? No kids, no work, no obligations. Do you even get a weekend of free time?

If you’re like a lot of people, the answer is probably no.

Life is full of demands. In the mornings, you and your spouse may be running around the house, taking the kids to school, or preparing for work. At the end of the day, you might be preparing dinner or attending meetings.

On the weekends, you and your partner may just pass by each other. Once in a while. As you complete errands. Or play chauffeur for your kids.

All of life’s demands leave little room in your schedule for couple time, but you have to build it in, because it’s important.

This is the time when you can:

  • Look at your relationship goals and your progress
  • Discuss issues within your relationship and create couple’s agreements
  • Reconnect and refresh your bond

Don’t put off these tasks – they are just as important as your PTA meeting or repainting the dining room. Instead, do something that’s going to sound a little crazy: work with your partner and find one weekend next month where you can plan a weekend getaway.

Yes, that’s right. An actual weekend getaway.

Planning the getaway, including the goals of the itinerary and where you go, can be a fun couple’s project that turns into a regular “reset button” for your relationship.

Weekend Getaway Ideas

Keep things simple. Use these tips to plan a productive, refreshing weekend getaway for you and your partner.

Find a babysitter.

This is a couple’s weekend getaway. Look for a babysitter or a family friend who can take on the kids and the pets for the weekend. Even if you can’t get away for the weekend, having the house to yourself can eliminate distractions and errands that may take priority over important relationship discussions.  

Find accommodations… with a spa.

If you and your partner prefer to relax with few items on your itinerary, that’s fine too. Find a hotel that you don’t have to leave for the weekend. One with a spa and a restaurant can allow you to stay in your “bubble” and help you unwind.

Try out a weekend workshop.

If you and your partner get antsy with an open itinerary, create a weekend getaway based on a new activity. Weekend workshops give you a new focus and something to learn together.

Maybe take a weekend of dance classes. Spend Saturday at a brewery and Sunday at a distillery. Browse through Facebook events, bulletin boards at community centers, or reach out to friends and family for ideas on how you can make this a special weekend.

Set goals.

Give your weekend getaway a purpose. Do you want to grow together? Reconnect? Create goals for the next year? Remember to use this weekend getaway as a way to strengthen your bond.

For information on how you can create a productive and present weekend getaway that helps your marriage, reach out to a Houston relationship counselor.

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Clear Emotional Clutter by Spring Cleaning for Your Relationship

Houston residents don’t exactly have to battle bitter cold, but we too enjoy the rising temperatures and blooming flowers of spring. And while “spring cleaning” can feel like a cliche, it’s a yearly habit for a good reason.

As we shake off our coats and start to open the windows, we have the opportunity to let in fresh air while getting rid of anything and everything stale. Stale food, stale items that never get use in the house, stale thoughts, stale habits – let’s get rid of all of them!

We can also start “spring cleaning” our relationship and get rid of any staleness that is lingering around there.

This may be:

  • Old grudges that weren’t truly resolved
  • Bad habits that continue to irritate one partner or the other
  • The same old routine

Let’s address each of these issues and how you can “clean them out” in the next coming months.

Old Grudges That Weren’t Truly Resolved

As a couple, it can be tempting to say “yes” to a couple’s agreement just to stop fighting with your partner. But as time goes on, you might realize that the terms you agreed to are still bothering you. Take this time to sit down with your partner and truly close the door on past arguments.

Approach this as a challenge that you and your partner can address together. Ask your partner if they have time to talk, and then say something like this:

“I think I made a mistake when I agreed to the terms of X. Can you help me rewind and come to a more favorable couple’s agreement?”

We all make mistakes, so don’t be afraid to admit that the books were never truly closed on an issue.

Bad Habits That Continue to Irritate One Partner or the Other

Did you forget to make a few New Year’s Resolutions? Springtime is a great time to put bad habits in the trash and replace them with positive, productive habits! If you know that your partner is irritated by smoking cigarettes or forgetting to do the dishes, use these changes as a way to show your love and recommit to your relationship.

If your partner has a habit that drives you up the wall, make sure you communicate these feelings in a gentle way. Your partner may not know that their behavior is making you feel this way, so first and foremost, communicate with them. If you have a solution ready (a good habit that can replace the bad habit, for example) you can work with them and support them as they change their routine or take the effort to eliminate this habit.

The Same Old Routine

Sometimes, the thing that is holding you back is the same routine that you have been performing for years! After too much time going to the same places and seeing the same people, you might feel stale.

Shake off your old routine like your heavy coats. Create a goal with your partner: to find a new hobby or project that will get you out of the house and bring you to new places. Maybe it’s time to take a class at the community college or volunteer with a charity that has always been in the back of your mind. Either way, now is the time to do it!

Want to learn more about working with your partner to “spring clean” your relationship? Reach out to a Houston relationship counselor for more information.

 

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