Conflict Can Be Healthy, Says Houston Marriage Counseling

When clients come in for Houston marriage counseling and tell me that there’s just too much conflict and they want me to stop it, my first question is sometimes, “Why?” People think I’m playing around with them, but that’s not the case. What I am trying to get people to understand is that having conflicting opinions and even arguing aren’t necessarily bad things – it’s the way that we disagree that matters.

Houston Marriage Counseling: Avoiding Early Conflict Makes It Scarier Later

Typically, the next thing couples in therapy will jump to is the idea that things didn’t used to be this way. When they first started dating, everything was happy and they never argued. Nothing pleased both of them more than to please the other person.

Welcome to a lesson in love chemistry, because that’s just how our bodies are designed to act. We get a rush of chemicals early on – “love” – that feels so great that we don’t care if there are smaller disagreements. In fact, many times we don’t even notice them.

Unfortunately, that chemical “enhancement” for our relationship goes away naturally with time, and we are left with the reality – no one in close a personal relationship is always going to agree with his or her counterpart. We argue. We fight. And because it hasn’t happened before, it’s a shock to us. Where did we go wrong? What happened?

Some of us lash out at this feeling, causing more fights. Others retreat in horror and try to pretend it’s not happening. Neither is a healthy response.

Learn How to Make Conflict Healthy in Houston Marriage Counseling

The difference between happy couples who stay together and those who end up divorcing each other has nothing to do with how much or how little they fight. “Happy” couples fight all the time, and typically about the same things – housework, money, sex, kids, in-laws. Where they differ is in how they handle their disagreements.

Healthy couples learn how to listen – even when they don’t want to – and how to see things from their partner’s point of view. They learn how to express their feelings and desires without walking all over their spouse. And they also learn something even more important – how to trust each other with their emotions and be vulnerable. When you can do this, your relationship bond will grow even stronger and deeper.

It’s not always easy, and for some people therapy can be a great option if things just aren’t getting better with just the two of you working on it. If you feel like you need the help of a professional, try Houston marriage counseling.

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“Find Yourself” in Your Relationship with Houston Relationship Therapy

My time with patients in Houston relationship therapy has shown me that there are lots of excuses people try to use to justify ending their marriage. That may sound harsh, but I don’t mean it that way. Working through marriage issues is hard, and oftentimes just getting out can seem so much easier. It’s a fresh start, a way to put the negativity behind you and focus on yourself so that you can be a better person for your next relationship.

At least, that’s what I’ve had a number of clients tell me when they were leaning toward divorce. They weren’t “ready” or enough of an “adult” when they got into the relationship, and they need time away to grow into the person they want to be. When I hear this, I always wonder why people think being alone helps them to grow. Doesn’t growth come from being challenged? From a need to compromise and understand others?

Houston Relationship Therapy: Time Alone Lets Us Stagnate

Contrary to popular belief, breaking away from a tough relationship to focus on yourself doesn’t allow for growth. What it lets you do is hide, lick your wounds, and either convince yourself that you were right all along or that you’ve changed – but where’s the proof?

Marriage issues can’t be solved by thinking about them alone. You have to interact with the person sharing those problems with you. Giving up and “moving on” is a sure way to have those issues creep up in your next relationship. Instead, don’t run. Deal with the issues and “find yourself” by coming to a better understanding of who you are – and want to be – in relation to your significant other.

If you and your partner need help on your journey to personal growth together, contact us for Houston relationship therapy and set up a consultation.

 

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Houston Relationship Counselor: You’re Annoying When You Do That

As the Houston relationship counselor, I can tell you that you are going to be annoyed by your partner over time. It’s just the way relationships work. He or she will be bad at sharing feelings and doing household chores, or passive-aggressively jealous of the time you spend with friends and family. Whatever the problem is, you’ll have to deal with the problem of how to tell this person that you love that you find them annoying, which can lead to anger and hurt feelings on both sides. And if it gets bad enough, you might even want to seek out marriage help.

There’s a problem with the language I used earlier that’s at the heart of this matter. Did you catch it? It’s not your loved one that you find annoying, it is a behavior that they are engaging in. Unfortunately, a lot of us have trouble making this distinction when we’re frustrated and we end up criticizing the person instead of the action. In essence, we shame our spouses.

Houston Relationship Counselor: No Shame

Shaming is one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship, because too often it leads to defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – feelings that disconnect us from love, pleasure, and happiness in the relationship. If this goes on too long, your relationship might crumble if you don’t get marriage help.

The way to avoid shaming is to separate the person from the behavior. It sounds a lot easier than it is in practice, but it can be done. If you’re having difficulty removing shame from your criticism of your spouse, contact the Houston relationship counselor for help.

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Houston Marriage Counselor: The Need Behind the Criticism

As the Houston marriage counselor, I often get asked why people criticize and cut each other down. They have to know that it’s typically not a behavior that elicits positive results. When you criticize, the subject of your criticism is likely to become defensive and put up barriers that are more about protecting themselves than actively listening and trying to change. So why do we still do it?

Because criticizing is the way that many of us express our need for something to change. “You’re so lazy! Why don’t you take out the trash more?” is really an expression of frustration that, were we smarter with our words and feelings, would sound more like, “I’ve taken out the trash every time in the last month. Would you mind splitting trash duty with me more evenly?” In short, it is our way of saying, “Hey, something that you’re doing is affecting me in a way I don’t like.” We are asking for relationship help from our partner.

Houston Marriage Counselor: You Impact Me

It’s not easy for anyone to step outside themselves when they are on the receiving end of what feels like a tirade, but doing exactly this is the key to resolving your partner’s need and ending criticisms. The next time you feel attacked, don’t open your mouth right away. Stop, take a deep breath, and try to think about where the criticism is coming from.

If you’re tired of your partner’s defensiveness, take a look at how you approach them when you want them to change a behavior. Instead of accusing them of never showing you affection, say that you’d like a hug. Rather than yelling about dishes being left in the sink because you’re tired of having to do them yet again, ask if your partner would mind helping with the dishes right then. You might be surprised what simply asking politely can accomplish as opposed to expressing your frustration and disappointment.

And always show understanding and focus on the positive. “It really helps me out when you clean the bathroom once a week.” “I know you’re tired, but I’d really appreciate it if you could walk the dogs tonight.”

The goal on both sides should be to try to create a positive interaction and show respect and understanding. Sometimes, however, that’s easier said than done, so if you and your spouse feel like you need relationship help, it can be worth your while to talk with a Houston marriage counselor.

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