Houston Marriage Counselor: Why You Shouldn’t Separate to Solve Your Problems

When struggling couples seek help from the Houston marriage counselor, often they ask my relationship advice on separation. Would taking some time apart help them overcome their marriage problems? My answer is usually: no!

Why? It’s simple. How can you be working through your issues if you aren’t even in the same place? Separating will just make it harder, as well as more tempting to walk away from the marriage altogether. After all, being away from each other will inevitably mean that the fighting will stop, and it may start to feel like avoiding your conflict is the best way to cope with it.

I do believe there is one situation in which separation is healthy, and that is when there is physical violence that is neither minor nor isolated.  Separation ought to be temporary, and with the purpose to get an assessment of the relationship done by a competent counselor. A condition of reuniting might wisely be completing treatment of the relationship with the IMAGO Workshop and a course of counseling from a competent specialist.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Learn to Work through Conflict in a Healthy Way Instead

It’s harder, and it may be messier in the beginning, but fighting to save your marriage together is the only way through it. As the Houston marriage counselor, I’ve seen it again and again: the couples who tough it out and work to change their relationship come out stronger and happier than they were before their current crisis.

But those who decide to separate have a harder time reconciling, and sometimes end up divorcing, only to encounter similar problems with their next partner! The problems don’t go away simply because we avoid them.

They only get better when we learn better communication and relationship skills. You may even find that working with the Houston marriage counselor to improve your marriage helps improve other relationships in your life as well!

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Learn the Skill of Mirroring with the Houston Marriage Therapist

As the Houston marriage therapist, I find that one of the primary reasons couples seek relationship advice is to stop fighting. Often when a conversation brings up strong feelings of anger, frustration, or even sadness, it can be hard to communicate with your partner. And even if you are trying your best to listen to what he or she has to say, it may not come across that way. One skill that’s very useful in helping improve communication, particularly when more volatile emotions are involved, is called mirroring.

The Houston Marriage Therapist Explains the Concept of Mirroring

This is a very simple skill to learn. All you need to do is repeat back (in your own words) what your partner just said to you. The idea is to convey that you not only heard what they were saying, but you were really listening. Good phrases to start with are “What you’re saying is…” or “So you are feeling like…”

This can help calm the waters and make the other person feel respected. And also, by mirroring it back, you are really taking the time to comprehend and understand the other person’s point-of-view. Your partner may even respond by further elaborating on how he or she felt, helping you to get a better picture of how your partner is feeling.

But from my experience as the Houston marriage therapist, I know that while this skill is simple enough to understand, it’s not always that easy to put into practice. Often when we are arguing or receiving a complaint from our partner, our knee-jerk reaction is to become defensive or offer our side of the story. But remember, just because you are repeating it back doesn’t mean you necessarily agree. You are just ensuring that you understand what your partner is telling you, better enabling you to respond in a productive way. By acknowledging how your partner is feeling, he or she will be more likely to listen to what you have to say.

If you are struggling with communication issues and would like to learn more about skills such as mirroring, I encourage you to seek relationship advice from the Houston marriage therapist.

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Learn How to Date After Divorce in Houston Relationship Therapy

I always work hard to try to keep marriages together in Houston relationship therapy, but sometimes it’s just not possible. Instead, I end up working with couples to help have a healthy, conscious divorce, increasing odds of healthy co-parenting going forward, or success in their next marriage.   I also work with divorced or otherwise split-up singles. Once they are alone, they don’t know what to do with themselves or how to get back out there in the dating world. Alternatively, one or both of them may have found someone new and believe they can find happiness with that person that they couldn’t find with their spouse.

One thing is the same in either of these situations: you. And if you didn’t work through your marriage problems in your previous relationship, you can bet they are going to rear their heads in your new one.  “Another freaking growth opportunity, I can run, but I cannot hide…”

Houston Relationship Therapy  Teaches You to Look At and Change Yourself

Marriage problems and relationship issues don’t just end when the relationship does – you carry your baggage with you to the next person. This is why it is so important to identify and work on those things that you need to get better at in relationships before starting a new one.

Whether you’ve already found someone you just know is going to be the next love of your life or you’re having trouble putting yourself back out in the dating pool, there’s a simple rule to know if you’re ready: do you need a partner, or want one?

If you feel like you just can’t cope without someone in your life, you’re not ready to date. Yes, this is true even if you’re already dating! Just because you can get someone doesn’t meant that you should be seeing them.

Needing someone means that you will end up putting all of your hopes, dreams, and aspirations on them, which no one can hope to live up to. Needless to say, if you do get married, this will lead to marriage problems and probably more Houston relationship therapy when they can’t be that ideal that you “need” them to be. You will revert to the person who had those problems that led to your first divorce.

The better route is to work on making yourself happy before re-entering the dating pool. Become that confident, self-sufficient person you always wanted to be, and if you feel like you’re missing something, look to other places besides romantic relationships to find it.

When you are ready to date because you want to, let the world know. Tell friends you respect, join singles groups, and try reputable dating sites. There is no wrong way to find the person that’s right for you.

If you’re having trouble working through your feelings after a divorce and understanding what went wrong, try Houston relationship therapy so that you can fix it for next time.

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Houston Relationship Counselor: Model a Good Relationship for Your Kids

As the Houston relationship counselor, I remind my clients with children that they should work on making their marriage better not only for themselves, but also for their kids.

Most parents seem to know intrinsically that their behavior toward each other can affect their children emotionally. But many don’t take that realization to the next step – that kids, little sponges that they are, soak up the things that they see us doing to and with each other and internalize our interactions as the way relationships work.

Spend all day yelling and kids will think that’s normal. Same for nagging, avoiding each other, and lying to each other. A child who grows up witnessing this will take those lessons into his or her own relationships and likely struggle to connect with people in a meaningful way.

On the flip side, if you and your spouse have a happy, healthy relationship full of love and mutual respect, your kids might think you’re gross – but they’ll also learn that good relationships are possible. My marriage advice: do your children a favor and model this kind of healthy behavior – even if you’re not feeling it yourself.

Model Healthy Relationship Behavior from the Houston Relationship Counselor

Happiness. Love. Mutual respect. Who wouldn’t think that modeling those kinds of behaviors was good marriage advice? They don’t sound too tough when you just lay them out like that, but of course saying and doing are two different beasts. Luckily, the Houston marriage counselor has several techniques that can help get you on the right path.

Talk – a lot. The more you talk, the less likely it is that you will simply let things build up inside of you and cause an explosion. It’s also just good in general for your kids to see you interacting in normal, healthy ways, and if you are communicating a lot – even if it’s just about boring, everyday things – they will recognize this.

Take it outside. If your significant other is really frustrating you and you feel like you’re going to blow, take a step away until you calm down or try to go someplace private with them to have it out. To the extent that you can avoid it, you should never fight in front of your kids.

Work it out. Fighting, however, is not the same thing as arguing. If mom and dad disagree, it’s not necessarily a bad thing for junior to see – provided you can resolve your argument in a calm and respectful way. This way, he’ll come to learn that relationships aren’t meant to be all smiles and sunshine, and that that isn’t a bad thing.  Arguing is not a sign that it’s over. In fact, it’s normal and natural, as is the emotion Anger.  Anger is a normal, natural healthy emotion and quite different from the frequently unseen, unknown, shame-based, and very hurtful (to all involved) Rage.   Adults need to learn how to express their Anger in a healthy way, so that they model it to children instead of teaching them ‘anger is bad, hurtful, dangerous, etc.”  If you don’t know how, or need coaching, Houston marriage counseling can help with either counseling or the weekend educational workshop.

If you are struggling to model a healthy marriage for your children, the Houston relationship counselor is here to help – call anytime!

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