Why A Couples Retreat Is the Best Way to Focus on Your Marriage

There have been countless funny movies and television episodes made about couples workshops and retreats. Usually, the frustrated couple heads to a luxurious destination with a kooky therapist. Even though both partners are hesitant at first, their relationship grows stronger in the end.

Real couples retreats typically have quite a few differences. They don’t have to be a trip to a luxury beach resort – or even out of the state. You can find workshops and retreats in your own city. Most therapists aren’t so kooky – at least, we don’t think so! And often (though not always), both partners arrive ready and willing to work and improve things. This psycho-educational experience is not therapy, but very therapeutic, so much that even the most resistant participant usually always gets excited.  Initially ambivalent or doubtful persons have written in their evaluations things like “I wish I had this information at puberty. It would have saved me a lot of pain in life.” and “Best investment I’ve ever made” or “Saved our marriage.”

One thing, however, is almost always the same: people leave feeling better about their relationship. Why? These 2 day Workshops can help you and your partner learn powerfully effective communication for the toughest issues that come up, and restore or deepen the connection you have.

Let’s look a bit deeper into why couples workshops are generally so successful.  

No Distractions, Just Progress  

Sitting down with your partner to assess your relationship sounds like an easy enough task. But then your kids come into your bedroom. Or the phone rings. The dog needs to be walked. Groceries need to be put away.

Put simply, life gets in the way. A couples retreat allows you to do just that – retreat to a safe space where productive dialogue is the main focus.

You’ll turn off your phones and look into your partner’s eyes. You’ll offer them your undivided attention.

This will enable you to have a more focused conversation and come up with solutions that you can remember and implement after you return home. 

Choose Your Focus

Couples retreats don’t all look the same. Many focus on specific relationship issues. Moreover, different therapists build couples retreats based on their approach to communication, problem-solving, and relationship satisfaction. 

For example, the “Getting The Love You Want” workshop is the center of my popular Houston couples retreat. It’s based on the best-selling book of the same name, and Getting the Love You Want is about just that – building the loving relationship you’ve always dreamed of by healing childhood wounds, understanding different perspectives on love, and building deeper connections. It is based on the IMAGO therapy approach. 

The “Getting the Love You Want” workshop includes a powerful workbook for each partner, that they can continue to use in building a better, more mutually satisfying relationship in the months and years that follow.

A Stepping Stone to Couples Therapy 

There is no shame in couples therapy, but many couples are hesitant about making the call and setting up their first appointment. That’s where our couples workshops come in.

They’re not a huge commitment. They typically last for one weekend and take place close to home. And you’ll get a good sense of how the therapist running them works.

If you and your partner are considering couples therapy, consider them a sort of “trial run” that is designed to start providing you with the tools you need to forge an even stronger connection with your partner. Workshops are often a good indicator of whether the couple is ready for personal treatment with a counselor. 

Ready to Sign Up for a Houston Couples Workshops?

We look forward to seeing you at a couples workshop in your city. Register here to secure your spot and take the next step toward getting the love you want. 

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Why You Should Focus on Solvable Issues First

According to a study recently published in Family Process, it is the way we argue that makes a difference in whether we believe ourselves to be happy in our relationships. 

Essentially, couples who tend to maintain a solution-oriented approach when facing conflict are happier than those who don’t. This study also found that the longer couples were married, the more likely they were to “choose their battles wisely.”

One way to “choose wisely”? Focus on issues that are easier to solve first.

What Exactly Does “Solvable Issues” Mean?

Smaller problems. Issues with clear, concrete solutions.

According to research, it seems to work – researchers in the study mentioned above found that those who dealt with problems that had concrete solutions first tended to have more successful relationships.

Here are common situational conflicts that, when “solved,” can not only provide immediate relief to a strained relationship but also make you feel more satisfied and connected.

Household Labor

Rebalancing chores automatically lends itself to clear-cut answers. If there’s a sense of inequality between you, successfully balancing these scales could lay the foundation for a deeper conversation down the line.

Family Time

Deciding to designate device-free family time is easy to do. When there are deeper issues about choosing work over intimacy, successfully spending a day each week as a family for a while could pave the way to a regular date night soon enough.   

Monthly Budgeting 

This one isn’t exactly easy, but it’s certainly concrete.

You have a certain amount of income each month. Setting a budget together could make it easier to talk about planning your financial future in the months ahead.

So, why is deciding not to resolve a bigger issue (for now at least) and to instead focus on those guaranteed successes a good idea? 

Focusing Small Now Sets the Stage for Big Success Later

Experts say that focusing on difficult, perpetual problems can undermine each partner’s confidence in the relationship overall. In contrast, solving surface issues together rebuilds eroded confidence. Small successes strengthen partners’ sense of security in their relationship together. 

Note, however, that this doesn’t make the heavier stuff any lighter. Once you feel ready to tackle some of the heavier stuff, consider involving a marriage counselor. They have the experience to carefully guide you toward success and provide thoughtful mediation throughout the process.

How the Center of Marriage and Family Relationships Can Help

At the Center of Marriage and Family Relationships, Imago Relationship Therapy is a cornerstone of our philosophy. 

We counsel committed partners through conflict in order to rediscover bonds, strengthen communication, and ultimately find common ground again. 

Couples often find our workshops and private office settings to be a comfortable neutral ground for working through tougher conversations as well. 

Whether you want to learn more about how our couples counselors can assist you in focusing on your solvable issues or how our couples workshops can help you open up those harder-to-reach spaces, reach out. We’re here to help! 

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How Telling Your Partner When You’re Mad Can Actually Help Your Relationship

Part of a life-partnership is accepting all of the emotions that come with it… yours and your spouse’s. However, in a culture that espouses kindness, empathy, and unfaltering regard, of course, it’s often a reflex to deny any negative feelings. 

No, you don’t feel like ripping his head off for losing the keys… again. Why would her propensity for clipping her toenails in bed make you want to throttle her? You definitely don’t have any feelings like that.

Because it would be wrong. After all, you love your partner.

But these feelings – as difficult as they may be to express – are normal and natural. And if you don’t address them with your partner, they tend to ooze into other areas of your relationship —  friendship, sex life, intimacy, parenting, and finances.

What does that mean?

If you don’t address your anger head-on, rest assured you’ll find relief in some other — often passive-aggressive — way. 

Maybe something important or of personal value to your partner “goes missing.” Or you stop making their morning coffee. Some clients have even revealed making decisions they can’t come back from that they never thought they would have, like cheating as “revenge.”

These indirect acts are your subconscious way of seeking relief from the discomfort of negative emotions brought about by the actions of your mate.

Now, think about your own partnership. Have you ever felt anger toward your partner? Acted in a vindictive or punitive way? 

How can you prevent this from happening?

Accept your angry feelings. And let your spouse know about them in a productive way.

Anger vs. Rage

Anger is probably the most misunderstood of all the healthy emotions, along with guilt.

Guilt is the healthy emotion of our conscience. It tells you when you’ve done something against your own core values. And when you’ve made a sincere and acceptable amends to the person (including yourself) you hurt, it’s designed to immediately disappear.

Shame is the toxic emotion (as explained so well by the late, all-time great therapist and author, John Bradshaw of Houston. It is based upon lies we learn about ourselves beginning in early childhood. 

Guilt can be summed up as, “I made a mistake.” I need to make amends to restore my wholeness and relaxed Self, and I am still a deserving human. Shame is a large group of old beliefs, most unconscious and result of abuse, that says “I AM a mistake.” Toxic shame depotentiates the purpose of healthy emotions. 

Anger’s healthy purpose is to help you recognize that you need to take care of your Self and set and/or maintain healthy boundaries. The emotion burns fast, always leading to underneath emotions (fear, hurt, etc.).

Anger’s gift is strength to stand up for your Self. It’s healthy. And spouses must cultivate the safety for themselves and their partner to express it with connecting language. To voice their complaint (not a criticism!) and ask for a Behavior Change Request.

All healthy emotions except joy are frequently described as ‘negative.’ All that means is that they aren’t joy and carry the potential of some discomfort for the person expressing it or the person receiving it. Nonetheless it’s healthy to express them all appropriately, with some understanding and compassion mixed in — and an absence of blaming and shaming instead of the strength of personal responsibility. 

Why is anger so misunderstood and disliked by so many? Because it is wrongly mistaken as the real emotion: RAGE.

Rage is healthy anger that has been contaminated by my personal shame. (“I don’t deserve ______”). Rage is disconnecting, abusive, and totally ineffective in getting your needs met or boundaries set. It harms both the person raging and the recipients, especially young people and the many trauma survivors in the world.  

So if you want to express your anger — and support your spouse in expressing theirs, which is equally important — you must first learn the huge difference between healthy anger and abusive rage. Identify sources of your shame. Heal the old false beliefs that motivate it. Learn how to self-soothe with a disciplined focus on your core values while in dialogue during any upset or power struggle. 

It’s not easy work in the beginning but so rewarding and important. And it does get easier. 

If your partner rages, a central concept of Imago Therapy, ReImaging, will help you self-soothe and help the wounded child who is really present during rage. 

How to Effectively Verbalize Your Anger – and Why You Should

This is one of those situations where the answer is a lot simpler than it seems. Quite simply, you need to tell your spouse when something upsets you. 

Not just that you’re angry or frustrated, but also why.

“I’m angry that you’re late for our date night again.”

“I’m upset that you quit your job without talking to me first.”

Verbalizing your anger directly and clearly, without attacking or being defensive, offers a huge release of negative energy. Moreover, both you and your partner will understand what’s happening in each others’ heads. And this makes the process of moving on that much easier.

Because it’s honest and intimate. Which means you’ll be building trust and connecting on a deeper level. 

From there, you can have a discussion.

If you and your partner are ready to open up about every feeling – even the bad ones – consider consulting with Houston relationship counselor, Damian Duplechain for how to best navigate through those beginning stages. 

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What You and Your Partner Can Do to Move Past Sore Points

Sometimes it’s hard to separate yourself from an emotionally-charged situation. Simple spats can spin out of control before we even realize what’s happening. This is particularly true when personal triggers are involved.

We all have personal triggers – things that immediately put us on the defensive when we encounter them. Maybe your partner’s interest in spending time with friends evokes parental abandonment issues. Or you were with a series of partners who belittled and underestimated you, so it makes you furious your spouse tries to help with something.

If you’re not careful, these sore points can really make you and your partner start to imagine that you are disconnected and separate, which is really an illusion. You may feel like you have to tiptoe around each other or engage in other kinds of defensive behavior. 

That’s no one’s idea of a healthy relationship.

What’s the solution?

Spend time outside those critical moments thinking about the things your partner says that really bother you. Forethought changes how you navigate these tense situations with your spouse when they arise.

The biggest part of “personal responsibility for my Relationship” is self-soothing. It’s a must, a non-negotiable priority, essential to containing the inevitable risk of allowing myself to become so reactive that I actually lose access to my Power, Frontal Lobe, and my own CoreValues.  Which then sets me up for exercising Defensive Behaviors instead of moving into a safe, structure Dialogue.  And remembering all the powerful, science based knowledge learned in the imago Couples Workshop weekends, or Imago Relationship Therapy sessions.  Dialogue produces awareness of or deepening of connection, moves us closer to a peaceful resolution as partners, and many other goals.

Specifically, we believe there are seven stages in this practice of moving past personal triggers. We don’t look at the process as one of linear stepping stones, but rather opportunities to seize in finding a new approach to healing those sore spots that seem to emotionally immobilize us.

Here’s what you have to do:

Realize Your Power

If nothing else, when a remark bites, say to yourself before you bite back, “I have a choice.” 

That’s right, you always have a choice. Once you stop projecting fault onto your partner for the way you feel, you can see more clearly that you have the true power over your own feelings.

Open Your Eyes

Keep a notepad. Instead of automatically ricocheting negativity back at your partner, jot down what’s been said that really stings. Simply by noticing your own points of contention, you can begin identifying patterns in what are ultimately only surface issues.

Ask Yourself Why

When you have downtime, think about why those things really got to you. Posing this question allows the exploration of the root causes of your emotional experience. This is like brainstorming. There are no wrong answers. 

That being said, this is very important work that helps you to become more conscious in your life relationship. Treat this work as if you were a dogged private investigator, devoting as much time and energy as is needed to uncover the truth.

Focus on Healing

Letting go of blame also allows you to reallocate that time and attention to those tender places of vulnerability. Identifying what really went wrong precedes discovering what created those points of contention in the first place.

Never forget this important spiritual advice: “No one is ever to blame. Everyone is responsible — for their thoughts, their emotions, and also their behaviors.”

Reach Out to Your Partner

Remember, to do the right thing for your relationship, you first need to self-soothe and get into your adult self. Connect to your core values. Turning inward often allows you to regain access to your support system. Only after you do this will you be ready to reach out.

Tell your partner that you’re not going to cast blame. And express a desire to open a dialogue with them. This will help to de-escalate things fast. 

During the dialogue, mirror your partner. Offer sincere validation of their thoughts (especially those with which you currently disagree). And sincerely empathize with their emotions. You will remove their need to feel defensive. And you’ll likely find that your spouse is ready and willing to help you through whatever is causing you pain.

Choose to Be Kind

Regardless of what you come to understand and what remains a mystery, always choose to be kind… to your partner and to yourself. When you can affirm that you are capable of loving and respecting and deserve the same, you open the door to cultivating a more positive self-perception.

Try Trusting Your Partner

When your partner hits on a sore point, first self-soothe your reactivity by closing your eyes and doing some mindful deep breathing. 

Then do a quick inventory of all the things about your partner that you like. Behaviors that you appreciate because they make you feel loved and cared about. Aspects of their body that you enjoy. Traits of both character and personality that you respect and admire. 

And tell them these appreciations, face to face, with compassion, no matter how you might be  feeling. These steps will gradually shift your communication cycle from one of unreliable reactivity to one of increased safety. This can then move back into more grounded, authentic trust.  

Only then should you explain what bothers you about what they said or did (and, when you can, why it bothers you). Take care to always be respectful.

Move fluidly through these practices when it makes the most sense. You will gradually solidify new patterns of thinking and help change the way you handle situations in which your partner may initially seem insensitive.

Never forget that when people are reactive (aka, defensive), it’s because they’re scared. Having a conscious relationship means both partners remembering that anger always comes from fear. And being committed to helping themselves and their partner to move out of those feelings quickly.

Typically, this happens with a prompt amends and a formal or informal dialogue about their experiences. This helps both people to feel the fact of their connection — as opposed to the illusion of separation — and enjoy life again.

Sometimes couples find a mediating counselor helpful in offering relationship advice throughout this process. However, be sure to vet the counselor very, very carefully with research online and referrals from mental health professionals you trust, because most therapists do not truly specialize in couples. This means that they can actually be dangerous to the health of your relationship. You don’t take your brain tumor to a family doctor; you go to M.D. Anderson!

To learn more about changing your communication patterns to finally move past the sore points in your committed life, feel free to peruse our blog. It has a plethora of wisdom in it, and many have found it to be very, very helpful to their relationship. You can also sign up for our free monthly newsletter on our website (you can unsubscribe anytime). Or reach out to our office for more information.

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