Mind Your “I”s and “You”s, Says Houston Marriage Counselor

In many of my Houston marriage counselor sessions, I find myself telling clients to try out that old saw of using “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

Most of them have heard a version of this before, but few really understand what “I” and “You” statements really are and why they can provide a lot of relationship help if you master using them correctly. It’s not just about putting the “blame” on yourself instead of the other person, as many people believe, but rather the difference between a complaint and a criticism.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Complaining Versus Criticizing

On the surface, neither one of these words has a very pleasant connotation, but in terms of your relationship and how you interact with each other, complaining should always win out.

When you complain, you are saying, “Hey, this thing is bothering me and here’s why. If you could try to stop it or get better at it, I would really appreciate it.” Criticizing, on the other hand, says, “You’re always messing up. Why aren’t you better?”

Can you see the difference? Whereas complaints play on the other person’s desire to make you happy (because, hey, they probably like you a little bit), criticism not only blames them for doing something wrong, it typically doesn’t even focus on the specific problem, instead attacking their character. You can imagine how a lot of this kind of communication can lead to a couple seeking out relationship help.

Complaints and Criticism Are about Word Choice, Says Houston Marriage Counselor

Yes, that’s right, saying word A instead of word B can be the difference between a happy, healthy relationship and one headed for trouble. And it’s not just remember to use your “I”s instead of your “You”s. You need to remember to focus on the actual act that is bothering you and not make assumptions or generalizations about your spouse’s personality that are supposedly causing the problem. It can take some time and practice to get it right, so forgive yourself if you mess up now and then and make sure to apologize to your spouse.

If you simply can’t stop yourself – or your spouse – from criticizing, that doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. You may need the help of a professional, and the Houston Marriage Counselor is ready.

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Houston Relationship Therapy: Questions to Ask Before Divorce

Many of my Houston relationship therapy clients walk into my office not quite sure whether they are ready for divorce or not. They know that they are going through serious marriage problems but haven’t decided to pull that trigger.

Personally, I believe that if you’re hesitating about the decision, you shouldn’t do it, because all non-abusive relationships are reparable and you can guide them back to a place where you are happier with each other. I tell my clients this, but also that it’s ultimately up to them because they have to live with their choice.

If they are still on the fence, I then suggest that they ask themselves two very important questions:

  • How happy or dissatisfied are you in the marriage?
  • Is now the right time to get divorced?

Houston Relationship Therapy: The Questions Defined

Now, on the surface those questions might not seem to be asking much. Clearly, if you’re coming to therapy and considering divorce, you have marriage problems. That being the case, you aren’t likely to be very happy.

That’s what most people think, but when I actually have them record their level of satisfaction over the course of a month, a lot of people discover that they fall into the middle of the satisfaction scale most of the time. That means that they are neither extremely happy or extremely dissatisfied, but vacillate between feeling content and mildly unhappy. Do those feelings warrant divorce?

For most people, the answer is usually no, and they are surprised because they felt like they were unhappy more of the time until they tracked their feelings. The reason is because we tend to put more weight on extreme situations. If our spouse surprises us with an amazing anniversary dinner, that’s what we’ll remember. Alternatively, if he or she forgets entirely and doesn’t seem to care, we’ll take that to heart as well – even if the rest of the month was pretty normal. That’s why it’s so important to really be aware of your feelings over time.

The second question I ask in Houston relationship therapy – that of timing – is partially about waiting it out and looking at a larger sample of your feelings, but it’s also largely about practicality: if you are suffering through financial hardship or have children, those may be reasons to hold off. Many people end up discovering that they were merely going through a rough patch and it gets better. Others realize that the mere possibility of making the marriage finite improves the relationship.

If you have more questions or feel like you need to talk to a professional about the possibility of divorce, try Houston relationship therapy.

 

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Houston Relationship Counseling: Parenting Doesn’t Stop When Your Kids Have Kids

When older couples with grandkids come into Houston relationship counseling because problems with their kids are causing marriage issues, they often seem surprised to be there. It’s as if we think that any parenting strife we have will end once the kids leave the nest.

As a parent myself, I can tell you that this is not even close to the case. There are any number of ways that your children can still cause you stress as adults, and if parenting disagreements that caused marriage issues earlier weren’t resolved then, you can be sure that they’ll come back to haunt you. One of the issues that seems to cause the most friction between couples is related to how much parenting you should do as grandparents.

Houston Relationship Counseling: Good Grandparents or “Over-grandparenting”?

For example, one of you might believe that your grandchildren aren’t being properly disciplined and want to step in, while the other thinks it’s best to let the parents handle that. This can be an extension of disagreements you might have had on how to raise your own children, but there is also the added social element of not wanting to potentially offend your adult child – or your son- or daughter-in-law – by calling their parenting into question.

You might even find yourself having fights over whether or not to step in and how to handle the issue if you do. Obviously, if you just can’t find a way to talk about it and come to an agreement, this is going to cause you to have marriage issues.

Learn to Talk to Each Other in Houston Relationship Counseling

The first step in resolving this problem is to learn how to talk to each other about the issue. It’s no good if one of you is genuinely concerned about the welfare of your grandchildren and the other won’t even listen because it’s “not your business.” Maybe it isn’t your business, but you owe it to your spouse to listen to their argument and have a rational conversation – and it shouldn’t be one-sided; they need to hear and understand your reasons for not wanting to interfere as well.

Having this conversation before taking action and potentially “over-grandparenting” at least allows you to square away your issues with each other and make sure that you are on the same page before involving the kids and grandkids. The thing that you don’t want to do is parent your grandkids – or possibly even worse, parent your grown kids in front of the grandkids!

For more advice on getting on the same page before talking to your kids, check out Houston relationship counseling.

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Houston Marriage Counselor: Happy Memories Can Save a Drowning Marriage

Many of my Houston marriage counselor clients come in so bogged down in current relationship issues and life problems that even though they want the marriage to work out, they just don’t see how it’s possible. He yells all the time, she only talks to him to complain about how he’s failing at something, and they’re both just sick of each other.

The first thing that I remind them is that they have to believe it’s possible or they wouldn’t be coming to therapy at all, so they’re already ahead of a lot of people. Next, I say something that surprises a lot of people: I tell them to forget about the present and take a journey into the past.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Remember When You Were Happy

Married couples trapped in a downward spiral of anger and blame tend to lose sight of the fact that they have a lot of shared history with this person they’re fighting. Not all of those memories are happy, certainly, but many of them had to be to get you down the aisle, and this is a person deeply ingrained in the fabric of your life.

I’ll typically ask couples to tell me stories from earlier in their relationship, often before they even got married. Often these end up being firsts – first dates, the first time they met each other’s families, or the first time they realized they were in love.

Some of the memories are romantic, but many aren’t. Regardless, it’s harder to keep fighting with someone after reminiscing with them about a crazy prank you pulled together or how they did something wonderful that made you look at them in a different light.

Because these memories can be so personal, I tell them they don’t have to keep sharing with me, but I want them to make a point to revisit a memory each night before bed. For many couples, their relationship issues diminish quite quickly.

Houston Marriage Counselor: If We Were Happy Then, Why Not Now?

What this memory therapy does, more than anything, is remind couples that they were good together once, and could be again. It’s an infusion of good feelings and hope at a time when those things feel very far away, and sometimes people forget about the positive when they are surrounded in negativity.

If you and your spouse are going through relationship issues, I highly recommend this technique as a starting point. Those who continue to have troubles after trying to work through them on their own should seek out a Houston marriage counselor.

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