Houston Marriage Counseling: Nothing Grows on Scorched Earth

Too many times in Houston marriage counseling couples will come to me because one of them said something so hurtful to the other that they just can’t get over it without help. Usually, this occurs in the midst of a long, drawn-out fight where both people are already frustrated and on edge. Susie has been really laying in to Don because he forgot to strap the baby in on the changing table and she’s terrified that their little one could roll off. But when she still keeps belaboring the point after he’s apologized and an hour has gone by, he’s finally had enough: “Jesus, will you stop? I get it! I should have listened to my mom when she told me not to marry you.”

Ouch. Talk about cutting someone to the quick. Even if they didn’t have relationship issues before that, they certainly will after.

What Don was engaging in is what I like to call the “scorched earth” policy. He was so angry and tired from feeling attacked that he lashed out at Susie in an attempt to get her to stop. There was probably even a part of him that wanted to hurt her because he was mad and not really thinking.

And on the one hand, it worked. His words so shocked her that Susie retreated into herself and stopped attacking him. Problem is, she also retreated into the bedroom and locked the door, and now she won’t talk to him. Don, still sitting on the couch, is mentally kicking himself and wondering why the hell he said that and what he can possibly do to take it back.

But you can’t take it back, and you can’t just expect to move on peacefully. When you engage in the scorched earth policy, you’re really going to need to till that land down deep until something will start growing there again.

Houston Marriage Counseling: There’s No Back, Only Forward

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in Houston marriage counseling, it’s that you can’t take back something you’ve done. The only solutions are to take full responsibility for your mistakes, apologize profusely, and work hard to keep yourself from doing it again. You need to show that you understand not only that what you did was wrong, but also why it was wrong. And if this wasn’t already clear: it’s going to take time.

You never want to be in a position where you’ve said something you can’t take back. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to communicate with your spouse – especially when you’re in the heat of an argument. If you feeling like you need help with this sometimes tricky task, contact Houston marriage counseling.

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A Reactionary Spouse Requires Patience, Says Houston Marriage Counselor

Many of my Houston marriage counselor clients complain about having “reactionary” spouses, though most of them probably wouldn’t phrase it that way. What is a “reactionary” person? They’re the type who open the electric bill and are so shocked that they call you to yell about how the family needs to stop watching TV, get new windows with better insulation, and look into switching to solar power. Never mind the fact that the real reason the bill was higher is because there was a heat wave and you had relatives staying with you for a week.

The thing that you don’t want to do if you feel like your spouse is overreacting is attempt to ignore their fears and move on to a different subject. This makes them feel dismissed and like you’re not taking them seriously. Instead, you’ve got to have the patience to sit through it and show understanding.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Your Job Is to Be a Sounding Board

Most spouses could probably weather this storm pretty easily. In fact many might label it more of a drizzle than a real storm. But the problem is that, with reactionary people, these little moments happen again and again, and over time, they can eat at the person who has to listen to them as well as the person who doesn’t think his or her spouse is taking their fears seriously. Eventually, it can lead to couples who stop talking to each other or fight all the time and clearly need relationship help.

What non-reactionary people don’t always understand is that most often their spouse has no intention of going through with any of the plans. They just need to work their way through the emotions they are having and they are using you as a sounding board.

This can be frustrating for people who tend to solve things internally. They tend to take what their spouse says seriously and often feel like they should offer solutions or reasons why they don’t need to go overboard to fix the problem, but this is another mistake. Your job is to listen and kindly and calmly bring up the reasons why the issue occurred without making it seem like you’re arguing against them.

The other side of the equation, though, is that reactionary spouses have to understand that, when they “catastrophize” events, it can put unintended stress on their partner. When they realize this, many people find ways to reign themselves in and be more objective – or at the very least, find another sounding board!

If you still find yourself fighting so much that you need relationship help, contact the Houston marriage counselor.

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Learn the Ways of Defensiveness from a Houston Marriage Counselor – Part 2

You don’t have to be the Houston marriage counselor to know that defensiveness causes a lot of problems in relationships. In my last post, I described how this unfortunate reflex can keep us from learning from our mistakes and trying to improve.

Unfortunately, though, there are so many ways to be defensive that getting past it can be difficult, and you may need relationship help. That’s why I decided to detail the many different kinds of defensiveness. When we recognize it in ourselves, we can stop it before it gets out of hand.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Kinds of Defensiveness

Counter-complaining. Whenever anyone lodges a complaint against you, your response is to attack them with a complaint of your own. You leave the seat up? Well, they squeeze the toothpaste from the top, but you didn’t feel like you had to be a jerk and complain about it. It’s a way of making them feel bad about bringing up any issues while ignoring the initial problem.

That’s what you do! Another defensive tactic that involves countering with blame, but this one keeps the focus squarely on the initial complaint. Your spouse complains about you ignoring the kids, so you remind them that they missed little Bobby’s last three baseball games. Or they accuse you of defensiveness (ha!), so you remind them of all the times they were defensive.

“But” and “because.” These words come into defensive play when you’ve done something wrong but can come up with a justification for why you did it. For example, you didn’t do the laundry because you were waiting for your spouse to confirm that they’d given you all of their dirty clothes.

The broken record. You know you’re right, so when your spouse accuses you of something, you simply find a position and stick to it, repeating it like a broken record until they give up or give in.

Whining. Similar to making excuses, except that the accused person focuses on complaints. An example would be saying something like, “Ugh, I always have to do it” or “I was just so tired after work.”

Posture. Even if we decide not to talk, it’s possible for us to be defensive. Telltale signs are crossing your arms over your chest, shifting your weight from leg to leg, and faking a smile. What you’re really saying is, “I’m not interested in listening to this, so I’d rather you stop.”

Houston Marriage Counselor: Recognize the Signs and Take a Step Back

Once you recognize the signs in yourself, it’s a lot easier to take a step back, regroup, and engage in the conversation instead of guarding against it. Do this and you’ll find that the back and forth is much more civil, and both of you will probably be more willing to listen and change.

If you’re finding it too hard to drop your defenses, get relationship help from the Houston marriage counselor.

 

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Learn the Ways of Defensiveness in Houston Relationship Therapy – Part 1

I see it all the time with my Houston relationship therapy clients. The second their spouse even hints at something they might not have done well, hackles are raised and the other person begins defending him or herself. “Well, that was only because you said…” or “You do the same thing!”

On the one hand, this is completely normal and understandable. If someone starts swinging their metaphorical fists at you, who isn’t going to put up their arms to defend themselves? Unfortunately, becoming defensive instead of accepting the blame for what you’ve done and trying to work on being better next time tends to make your partner push even harder, which creates further defensive behavior and leads to anger, frustration, and hurt feelings. Essentially – marriage problems.

Houston Relationship Therapy Can Help to Lower Your Defensive Barriers

The difficult thing about being defensive is that it’s way too easy for it to become a reflex, and there are so many ways to defend ourselves that we often don’t even realize that we’re doing it. Worse, when our significant other tries to point it out, it can cause further marriage problems by making us angry if we don’t see it or aren’t willing to accept it.

Luckily, Houston relationship therapy can help. How? By showing you all the different methods of defensiveness we use so that you can recognize them and try to put a stop to them.

Houston Relationship Therapy: Kinds of Defensiveness

Denial. It’s not your fault. How can they expect you to do that? Why is it your responsibility? You’re not being ridiculous, they are.

External forces. Okay, you didn’t take the trash out, but the game was on and you got home late from work and the kids needed help with their math and… Nothing is ever your fault because something always caused you to act the way you did.

No in another direction. There’s a concept called “yes in another direction” where you agree with someone who has an awful idea by lauding it and building off of it with your own idea that has nothing to do with it and takes the conversation back in the right direction. In this way, you don’t have to tell them you hated their idea. “No in another direction” is a version of this where you don’t want to admit to doing something wrong. “You always forget to take out the trash!” becomes “I just wish we had the bags with drawstrings.”

I’ll have more in the next post, because this is only the tip of the iceberg, but if you’re suffering from marriage problems due to defensiveness you just can’t seem to get past, Houston relationship therapy can help.

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