Houston Marriage Counselor: How We Interact with Our Kids Can Affect Our Relationship

As the Houston marriage counselor, I know that few things are more important – and more potentially emotional and divisive between spouses – than how they interact with their children. This is especially true if you’ve just had your first child, because your spouse will believe that your immediate behavior is indicative of how you’ll parent. Show frustration, anger, reluctance, or just generally withdraw, and it can cause big problems that make you seek out relationship help.

It Can Be Hard to Deal with the Role Change Parenthood Brings, Says Houston Marriage Counselor

Becoming a parent isn’t just like flipping on a light switch for many people, but an evolving process that they go through. A lot of new parents say that a newborn often doesn’t really feel like a “child” or even a “baby,” and they don’t really feel like “parents.” Instead, they are caretakers for this squalling, peeing, pooping, feeding (and once in a while sleeping) creature that depends wholly on them and cares only about its own needs.

It can be extremely difficult to adjust and accept this, especially if you felt like you were a great wife or husband before, but now that no longer seems to matter as much because your role as a parent has taken on far more importance. Some people simply don’t react well to this unexpected situation, and this causes their spouse to look at them differently.

The person engaged in more of the parenting may feel like they are being abandoned by their partner and look at them with resentment and disappointment. Meanwhile, the other spouse often feels abandoned in another way as their role as husband or wife is ignored and replaced by this thing that they are struggling with. After a while, this rift can become truly wide, but professional relationship help is available.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Take the Time to Talk

It can be hard to find time to talk to each other when you have a new baby, but if you’re struggling and feel each other slipping away, it’s something that you have to do. Many times, we lose sight of the relationship and our partner because of this awesome new responsibility, but sharing and accepting your thoughts and feelings – no matter what they are – can go a long way towards building an understanding and helping you to work through it.

This can be a stressful, exhausting time in anyone’s life, so don’t feel like you have to go through it alone. If you need help, call the Houston marriage counselor today. 

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Houston Relationship Counseling: How Smaller Life Changes Can Affect Relationships

In Houston relationship counseling, I talk about how each of us is changing all the time, and how this can alter the dynamic of our marriage and how we relate to each other. You’ve probably read lots of information about how big changes can affect you – deaths in the family, job losses, accidents, parenthood, retirement, and so on – but many people gloss over the fact that there are a lot of smaller changes that we’re going through all the time.

Say Betty has noticed that she’s moved on from being singled out at work because she’s the “baby” to becoming the person look to for advice. Or John used to be the best player in his office basketball league, but now he’s losing a step.

We define ourselves in many ways, and when parts of our identities shift, it can sometimes make a profound difference in our personality and the way that we interact with our spouse. A once-timid person can become more bold and controlling, or vice versa. As this dynamic shifts, it can cause confusion, anger, hurt feelings, and ultimately lead to couples needing marriage help.

The problem isn’t so much that these changes have occurred as it is that we might not even realize that they have or what’s causing them. That’s why it’s so important to keep talking to each other about everything that’s going on in our lives on a regular basis. If we realize that our spouse feels that her role is different now at work, it might not come of as much of a surprise when her personality changes around us. Moreover, it will be easier to connect the dots and make her see where those changes are coming from rather than just telling her that she’s changed and getting upset about it. All that will do is cause further problems.

Houston Relationship Counseling: Learn to Share – and Keep Sharing

When relationships continue for years and years, we tend to assume that we know the other person and see them as a static set of behaviors, then become upset when they “suddenly” feel different to us. But if you had been truly keeping up with each other throughout the relationship, you’d have realized that little things are always in flux. That’s why it’s so important to devote time to the relationship in the form of date nights, walks, pillow talk, adult vacations, or whatever you can do to make sure that you’re connecting on a regular basis. You’ll probably be surprised by what you learn.

Still feel like you need marriage help? Houston relationship counseling can guide you to understanding each other better.

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Get Thanksgiving Help with Houston Relationship Therapy

If my Houston relationship therapy clients have taught me anything about the holidays, it’s that the stresses that come with them don’t end just because you’re married or have a long-term partner. In fact, sometimes having someone special in your life can actually add more stressors as you add in the obligations that you now feel toward them.

Thanksgiving is no exception, even though in some ways it can seem “smaller” than the other holidays. Yes, there’s a big meal involved, but there are no gifts, and often people don’t go to crazy extremes decorating.

But just like other holidays or even just parties involving family and friends, the person hosting often want the “perfect” experience for their guests. And it often involves large family get-togethers, which can frequently be full of tension, passive-aggressiveness, guilt, and forced pleasantries. It’s very easy for these new obligations and worries to lead to fights and cause marriage issues between you and your spouse.

Houston Relationship Therapy: Be Okay with the Fact That Things Will Not Go Perfectly

One of the biggest causes of marital fights is the attempt to do a million and one things to make Thanksgiving perfect. I’ve had spouses in tears because one or the other was either running around like a crazy person and neglecting their typical responsibilities or not doing enough to help them get those million and one things done. Often, these types of marriage issues arise when the spouses don’t place the same importance on Thanksgiving because it wasn’t as big of a deal in their family when they were growing up.

In these situations, both sides need to give a little – just like most times in marriage! The person ostensibly blowing off the holiday has to understand that this is important to their spouse and put in extra effort to support them in making the holiday a success. At the same time, it’s not healthy for anyone to obsess over perfection to the point that they are making themselves sick with stress and dropping the ball on things in their regular life, so they need to find a way to breathe and remember that the point of Thanksgiving is coming together and enjoying friends and family. Mistakes will happen, but you have to be able to roll with them.

The important part is that you talk to and support each other, coming to an understanding of why each of you feels the way that you do. This should ease the stress and fighting, but if it doesn’t, contact Houston relationship therapy.

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We Have to See Ourselves to Get Better, Says Houston Marriage Therapist

As the Houston marriage therapist, one of the first things I tell my clients is that I can only help them if they are willing to be helped. Almost universally, couples tell me that of course they want to be helped with their marriage problems or they wouldn’t be there, but there are always a few who can’t seem to help fighting against me whenever their behavior is called into question.

Whether we’re talking about people who don’t listen or those who give up, their responses inevitably focus on what the other person needs to do to change instead of recognizing what they might be doing wrong. Even when specific stories are used to illustrate the ways in which they’ve engaged in a troubling behavior, they can’t seem to accept the idea that it’s wrong when they do it.

Houston Marriage Therapist: Holding Up That Mirror

Unfortunately, there are some people out there who just don’t have the capability to look into a metaphorical mirror without distorting the image they see. These are often the people who are constantly cycling through friends, jobs, and relationships because they believe their own actions to be justified and think that others should change for them and accept them as they are.

At its heart, this is a way of unconsciously evading responsibility and refusing to see or admit to our own dark side. No long term relationship can survive this kind of behavior without it eventually causing marriage problems. Generally speaking, many of us have this personality trait when we’re younger, but it slowly falls away as we become more mature and realize that everyone makes mistakes – even us. There are a sad few out there who never come to this realization, but most of us can.

How? By continually holding up that mirror to our actions. It may not click on the first time or even the 99th, but eventually most people start to see – sometimes reluctantly – that they are not without blame.

The bad thing about holding up that mirror if you are in a relationship with a person who can’t seem to see their own faults is that the typical reaction you’ll get is defensiveness. You’re attacking them for no reason – how dare you! It can lead to unintended fights and hurt feelings on both sides.

That’s why the best way to get your partner to see the role they play is to create a safe environment and encourage them to hold up the mirror themselves. This is not easy, but understanding often comes through repetition and feeling comfortable. Need help? Contact the Houston marriage therapist.

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