A Dying Relationship Can Be Saved, Says Houston Relationship Therapist

As a Houston relationship therapist, I’ve known quite a few people who’ve told me that their relationship was dying. Many of them simply want to give in to what feels like inevitability and let the relationship end. After all, the popular philosophy is that you shouldn’t have to try so hard in a relationship that’s meant to last. Why not simply move on and start over?

The first question I ask couples who hit me with this rationale is: why are you coming to me for marriage help if you both want the relationship to end? At that point, most tell me that they still love each other but the relationship has turned into a constant battle where they’re unintentionally hurting the other person and fighting over things that both of them know don’t really matter. They want it to work but it’s just not.

My advice: relationships die because we let them. If you want it to work, you have to make it work.

Houston Relationship Therapist: Relationships Die Because We Let Them

No one likes being in a relationship with someone where they are fighting and feeling awful all the time, but there’s a reason that we fight—and very often it has little to do with the fight itself!

What it comes down to is that contrary to popular opinion, relationships are work. Most people involved in long-term relationships will drift apart over time because that’s just what happens in life. That leads to feelings of disconnection, which cause anger, frustration, disappointment, and fighting.

How do you get rid of those feelings? By replacing them with positive interactions.

Human beings are needy and sensitive, and we want to feel like the person we’re with truly cares about us and is connected to us in a deep way. That means time and effort. The best marriage help? Kiss and touch more. Go on dates. Send the kids to the grandparents for the weekend and enjoy each other. Give compliments.

If time is an issue (and when isn’t it one?), find small ways to connect like sending flirtatious texts and emails, bringing home a flower, massaging each other, or doing the dishes so your significant other can luxuriate in a bath.

Houston Relationship Therapist: It’s About Putting in the Effort

More than anything, what will save your dying relationship is the simple act of trying. You fight because you’re trapped in a negative spiral so you need to work hard to make your positive interactions outnumber your negative ones. You may not think you have time to work on your relationship but if you don’t, you won’t have one to work on. For more advice, talk to the Houston relationship therapist.

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Houston Relationship Counseling: Your Marriage Problems Are Normal

If my Houston relationship counseling clients have taught me anything, it’s that the vast majority of people tend to suffer from similar marriage problems. We fight too much, we have too little time, and we don’t feel as connected to each other as we used to.

Of course, that’s only based on my own observational evidence. Three years ago, housewife Chrisanna Northrup was suffering through dissatisfactions caused by the problems mentioned above and found that talking to her friends about it wasn’t enough. She decided that she really wanted to know if what she was feeling was truly “normal,” so she and two doctors joined forces and polled 100,000 married couples from all backgrounds around the world. They’ve since written a book on the findings, aptly titled The Normal Bar.

The fascinating part of Northrup’s book is that regardless of age, location, socio-economic pressures, and sexual preferences, we really do all seem to be trying to solve the same relationship problems and want the same thing out of our partnerships.

100,000 People Can’t Be Wrong, Says Houston Relationship Counseling

So, what did she find? Well, not to sound too self-serving or anything, but therapists seem to be right—the happiest couples weren’t those who had the most money, sex, affection, or freedom, but those who communicated regularly and honestly. When you talk to your spouse, you learn about who they are and what they want and they learn the same things about you.

Oh, and just in case you’re one of those who thinks it’s pointless to keep talking all the time because you already know each other inside and out—people really do change. Don’t just assume that your partner wants the same thing he or she wanted when you met—his or her needs have most likely evolved and you may not be meeting them. That causes marriage problems as you grow apart without realizing it.

Houston Relationship Counseling: It Starts With Talking

Northrup says that one of the best things to come out of the book for her was that it provided she and her husband with an excuse to talk about things they might otherwise never have brought up. Simply learning that other people were going through what they were going through made it seem okay to talk about those problems and deal with them.

Unfortunately, not everyone can just write a book to save their marriage, so if you’re experiencing problems that you don’t know how to fix, it might be time to try Houston relationship counseling.

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Houston Relationship Therapist: Prevent Emotional Disconnect

I can’t tell you how many times couples have come into my Houston relationship therapist offices and told me that they felt like they were drifting apart. Often, it will be one person who says they feel this emotional disconnect, while the other is fine with things the way they are. As you might imagine, this attitude on top of the spouse’s belief they they’re already not connecting serves only to make that person feel worse and create further marriage issues.

Several things can happen at this point.

1.)    The spouse who doesn’t feel like there’s a problem (we’ll call this person neglectful spouse just for the sake of expediency) can work to change and give the partner more of what they need.

2.)    The neglectful spouse can refuse to change and their significant other can leave them.

3.)    The neglectful spouse can refuse to change and their significant other can learn to live with them as they are.

4.)    The partner feeling disconnected can find ways to meet their emotional needs, which will make them more attractive to their partner, who will be more interested in pursuing them.

Work Together or Change Yourself, Says Houston Relationship Therapist

The traditional therapy answer might be that both partner need to give a bit and work together to reconnect, and there’s definitely some value to that first solution. But sometimes the person being pursued is genuinely happy with the way things are and doesn’t know how to change, no matter how much they try.

That’s why I recommend that my Houston relationship therapist clients try both approaches. If only one person is feeling emotionally neglected, they should seek out things that help them feel fulfilled. Maybe this means making new friends or taking classes and learning new skills. Whatever it is, by fulfilling their own needs, many people find that they become more satisfied in their relationship and that the marriage issues they felt they had lessen in importance.

While this is going on, the neglectful partner should make attempts to reconnect with their spouse by planning dates, finding activities to do together, and simply making more of an effort to engage with them, even if it means scheduling time together. The best part is that most neglectful partners become more interested in engaging as their spouse starts to find emotional fulfillment out in the world.

Don’t give up if this doesn’t seem to be working right away. It can take time, and if you feel like you’re struggling, you can always speak with the Houston relationship therapist.

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Houston Relationship Counseling: Learn to Listen Better

I hear it all the time in Houston relationship counseling: “He never listens to me!”

One of the most common reasons that people seek out marriage help is due to the fact that they just don’t know how to communicate with their partner. They feel like they keep saying the same things over and over but their spouse just isn’t listening. Usually, the bad listener in question fully admits that they have a problem but they don’t know what they need to do to solve it.

While I’m never happy to hear about people having problems, it always makes my job easier when both people are ready and willing to learn. At that point, all they need are the right tools, and that’s something that I can readily give them.

Get the Tools to Improve Your Listening in Houston Relationship Counseling

Listening, just like any other skill, is something that has to be learned and practiced regularly or you can quickly fall back into bad habits like interrupting and just waiting for your turn to speak. Here are several things you can do to improve your ability to really listen to your significant other.

  • Remove distractions. If you’re the type of person who can’t keep from glancing at your phone or computer screen during a conversation, the best thing you can do is find a space that isn’t distracting in which to have important conversations. That means no other people, no screens, and no music or other noises to steal your attention.
  • Repeat and encourage. A tactic that I like to use in Houston relationship counseling is repeating part of what my clients say and encouraging them to continue. One of the reasons this is great for the listener as well as the person speaking is because it forces you to actually pay attention to their words or you won’t be able to repeat them back.
  • Put yourself in their shoes. Another useful technique is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. This means not only trying hard to listen because you likely want them to listen to you, but also trying to think about where they’re coming from and what their point of view is. Not only will this make you listen better, it will help you to understand them and can alleviate arguments over differences in opinion.

If these techniques don’t immediately work for you, that doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. You can always seek out further marriage help in Houston relationship counseling.

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