Houston Relationship Counseling: Love Has No Score

The first time many of my Houston relationship counseling clients enter my office, all they want to do is list off the good things they’ve done and the horrible things their spouse has done. It’s as if they’re trying to prove to me that they’re not the problem by offering up “evidence.” But relationships aren’t games or tests, and you can’t quantify feelings by using facts and figures.

In fact, keeping score in this way is actually more likely to cause marriage issues than solve problems.

Houston Relationship Counseling: Why You Shouldn’t Keep Score

Those who keep score tend to spend a lot of their energy focusing on this game—he loses points for doing that and gets points for doing that, but I’m still better because I did this and this. First off, this kind of behavior makes it harder to see and accept it when your partner treats you in a loving manner, because that means giving them “points” and potentially “losing.”

But the problem goes much deeper than that. Here are just a few of the marriage issues I’ve seen in my Houston relationship counseling clients.

You’ll start seeing what you want. Once you start tracking who did what and quantifying your relationship, you’ll start seeing positive and negative interactions everywhere and attempting to match your partner’s actions. He yelled at you this morning, so you can yell back, but because he brought home flowers you’ll have to give a massage. Marriage becomes an unspoken bartering relationship.

You’ll hide the truth. If you don’t want to lose “points,” you’ll start hiding the things you do that you know could get you into trouble. Otherwise, she could use your actions against you to prove that you’re the bad one and she’s the good one.

You’ll justify bad behavior. It’s okay for you to go out and run up the credit card bill because last month your spouse bought a new flatscreen TV without talking to you first. Or you shouldn’t feel bad about cheating on your partner because he’s never around anyway.

These are the kinds of actions that ruin marriages because you end just trying to hurt each other instead of talking about what’s really bothering you and trying to fix it. Changing behaviors like this takes time and effort, and the first step is recognizing that you’re doing it.

If you and your spouse need help to stop keeping score, call Houston relationship counseling today.

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Work Satisfaction Can Improve Relationship Satisfaction, Says Houston Marriage Counselor

In my work as the Houston marriage counselor, I’ve come to realize that relationship satisfaction isn’t just about the two people in the relationship. All of us are affected by other areas of our lives, and we bring both our positive and negative feelings back with us to our significant other.

If we have a great day and things go really well, chances are that we’ll be in a good mood and that it will rub off on our partner and make the night together better. Unfortunately, days where we experience anger, loss, or frustration also come home with us, and they can cause fights and make us seek out relationship help.

One of the biggest factors that can impact your level of happiness and satisfaction in your life is your job, so if you’re not feeling good about the place that you work or where you are in your career, working to make it a more positive experience can do wonders for your relationship.

Houston Marriage Counselor: How to Improve Your Work Satisfaction

There are some things that you just can’t change about your work without taking on a lot of risk and greatly altering your life, such as demanding a promotion or quitting and going back to school to start a new career. Other factors, though, you have more control over.

  • Schedule your day. Often, people get frustrated at work because they don’t feel like they can get anything done but frequently this is something they can fix with better planning. Prioritize your tasks each day and do the most important ones first.
  • Get to know your coworkers. Maybe you don’t like the people you work with or feel like you don’t have anything in common, but often people who say that simply haven’t taken the time to get to know the people around them. There are bound to at least be a few with whom you have similarities and, if you can find people to bond with, the work day feels much better.
  • Stop focusing on the bad. Working isn’t fun if you’re always dealing with a troublesome employee or a boss who rides you about every mistake, but dwelling on the negative and complaining just makes you feel worse. Instead, try to keep a positive attitude and focus on the things you can control.

Houston Marriage Counselor: A Happier Day Means a Happier Night

Focus on enjoying your job and you’re more likely to come home in a better mood and enjoy the time you have with your spouse. If you do talk about work, it will be to share jokes and happy anecdotes.

Still having problems? Talk to the Houston marriage counselor.

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Houston Marriage Counselor: Moods Are Contagious

As the Houston marriage counselor, I like to follow news and stories on how people relate and interact. For the most part, I try to focus on romantic relationship issues between adults but, from time to time, I’ll come across something that was intended for a different audience but seems to fit what I do perfectly.

Such is the case with this gem of a story on the NY Times Parenting Blog. The gist of the article is that a mother is trying to get her kids to understand that when they approach her and they’re angry, cranky, or otherwise demanding, she’s far more likely to respond in kind than if they had simply asked for something calmly and kindly.

Basically, she unintentionally lets herself get caught up in their mood and what should be a simple request or conversation quickly escalates into a fight. Sound familiar?

Our Partners “Infect” Us with the Way They Feel, Says Houston Marriage Counselor

What this means for you and your significant other is that you really do need to try to wait until you’re calm and collected before approaching him or her with a problem. Moreover, if you know that your spouse the type to lose control and get upset quickly, you have to prepare yourself for that emotionally before you enter the conversation. Maintaining calm, positive energy can prevent a situation from getting worse and causing further relationship issues.

On the flip side, it’s possible to transfer your positive feelings to your partner, too, so never underestimate the power of smiling, laughing, and having a good time—just make sure that it doesn’t look like you’re laughing at your partner or not taking a situation seriously!

The Houston Marriage Counselor Can Help You Keep Your Cool

If you and your partner still find that you are infecting each other with bad moods and allowing what should be simple problems to feel bigger than they are, don’t hesitate to seek out help. A professional Houston marriage counselor will know all kinds of tips and trick to assist you in maintaining your mood—even in the face of someone with a truly strong personality.

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Exhaustion Can Destroy Relationships, Says Houston Marriage Therapy

Most of my Houston marriage therapy clients make their weekly visits to my office a priority because they know they need relationship help, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a struggle. I know how hard it is for many of them to juggle work, parenting, and other responsibilities, all while trying to focus on improving their relationship.

Unfortunately, things seem to be worse rather than better. All of our supposed “time-saving” technologies have really just created a situation where we are expected to be on call 24/7, and even our standard 40-hour work week has been creeping up for years, and now stands at around 45 hours on average. And that’s not even accounting for soccer games, homework help, parent-teacher conferences, and the million other things most of us are trying to do on a regular basis.

It gets to the point that we simply don’t have the energy to deal with potential problems in our relationship. We know that things could be better but it’s a lot easier to let relationship problems slide because other issues seem more pressing. Unfortunately, relationship pressures only build overtime,, and eventually things can reach a tipping point and you’ll find yourself in Houston marriage therapy.

Houston Marriage Therapy: Ways to Fight Exhaustion

There are a number of steps that you can take to fight exhaustion and protect your relationship at the same time. Some are more extreme than others but all are valuable when you just don’t have enough time.

  • Touch each other. We all need physical closeness in our relationship but when you’re exhausted, sometimes sex is just too much to ask. That doesn’t mean you can’t get physical, though. Make a point of hugging and kissing each other as much as possible, as well as snuggling together on the couch and in bed.
  • Send love notes. We don’t have time to stop and smell the roses or whisper sweet nothings, but that shouldn’t stop you from sending off a romantic or sexy email or text—just don’t do it while driving!
  • Have mini-vacations. A week in Maui would be nice but you know that’s never going to happen with your schedule. Instead, try to get away for a night in a nice hotel or even just take a long lunch so that you can get together alone.
  • Try job sharing. This option obviously won’t work for everyone but if your job is just too much and your finances can take the hit, ask your boss about job sharing so that you can go part time. You’ll have a lot more time and feel far less pressure.

If you’ve tried everything and nothing’s working, try Houston marriage therapy.

 

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