The Houston Marriage Therapist on Washington’s Need for Couples’ Counseling

As the Houston marriage therapist, I’ve seen it far too many times. Couples schedule an appointment with me but, when they come in, they are completely silent and sit on opposite ends of the couch. As I ask them about their problems and why they decided to seek relationship help, I’ll notice that they never speak directly to each other or even look at each other.

But it’s not anger. Anger you would expect—even invite. After all, this is an emotional thing to go through. Instead, I see boredom and impatience. They’re not here to fix any problems—they just want to be able to check off the imaginary box that says, “I tried. Went to couples counseling.”

I bring all of this up now because I just read a fantastic CNN article that details the dysfunctional relationship between Democrats and Republicans and posits the idea of giving them relationship therapy in order to get them actually working together again. What struck me about the article was how dead-on the discussion was in terms of our political parties matching the interactions of a distressed couple.

Houston Marriage Therapist: It Can’t Be About Winning

When couples argue, it can’t be about winning because that just causes annoyance, resentment, and other negative feelings to build. It’s difficult to be happy with someone who is always trying to defeat you and prove that they are right, regardless of what the argument is about.

Politicians in our country have reached the same point, literally arguing over who started it instead of stepping back and talking about what the real issues are. Maybe they don’t have to be happy for each other like couples should but they do have to continue to work together. You can’t work with someone who no longer sees it as his or her responsibility to help but rather to win the argument.

They Need Common Ground, Says Houston Marriage Therapist

The best relationship help that someone could give the two parties right now would be to find a way to get them on common ground. In these days of constant bickering, it doesn’t seem like that exists but it’s no different than what couples counselors do with constantly bickering clients. The common ground is there, you just have to find it. Or, in the case of our political leaders, trick or shame them into admitting it. Once that happens, you can start with that single point of agreement and work outward, building bridges of understanding.

If you’re starting to feel like your relationship is on rockier ground than that of our country’s leaders, maybe it’s time to speak with the Houston marriage therapist.

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Buying a House? Use Houston Marriage Counseling to Deal with the Stress

When most of my Houston marriage counseling clients list the things that stress them out, it’s almost always exclusively negative events. Things like health problems, job loss, fights, and affairs. There’s no question that those things can be huge stressors, but lots of people forget that “good” things can be stressful, too, such as getting married, having a baby… or the topic of this post, buying a house. And when that stress spills over into how you and your spouse treat each other, it can create relationship problems.

Houston Marriage Counseling: Get on the Same Page Before You Start Your Search

If you’ve ever tried to buy real estate before, you know that the experience can be nerve-wracking, frustrating, and incredibly draining. Going into this process with your spouse means that both of you are going to be sharing all of those fun emotions with each other.

What if you both want different things – will you fight in front of the realtor? Hopefully not, but that doesn’t stop you from yelling the second you get back in the car, both feeling betrayed, angry, and probably a little shocked. How could they not tell you they had to have a pool? Well, because you never asked. And, by the way, they’re just as upset you neglected to mention your outright hatred for fireplaces.

The way to minimize relationship problems like this is to do a lot of research and talk before you start the process in earnest. Discuss your hopes and dreams, what you see when you imagine your perfect home, and the things you absolutely have to have and can’t stand. Chances are that you will disagree on some things, but this gives you the opportunity to talk it out and compromise before you’re actually visiting a home that one of you absolutely adores and the other hates.

Houston Marriage Counseling: Realize That Things Will Go Wrong

Just like having a wedding that goes precisely according to plan is pretty much impossible, there will be mistakes that are made and missed opportunities during your housing search. Some of these may be due to your choice of realtor or lender, but others will likely be your fault. After all, there are many, many, many things to do when buying a home, and it’s easy to drop balls. Understanding and accepting this ahead of time can allow you to be more forgiving when mistakes are made… and plan better to try to avoid them.

If you and your spouse just can’t stop fighting due to homebuyer’s stress, Houston marriage counseling can help.

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Learn If You’re the Tiger or the Turtle in Houston Marriage Counseling

I hear versions of this one a lot in my Houston marriage counseling sessions: “All he does is get mad and yell!” “Whenever I try to talk to her, she retreats and doesn’t want to deal with me.”

It’s quite common for two people in a relationship to approach conflict from completely different perspectives. While one is all volume and bluster, the other would prefer a quiet conversation, or even to simply figure out how to solve the problem on their own.

We call these two personality types the Tiger and the Turtle, and they can cause you and your spouse to fall into a pattern of approach and retreat whenever there’s a conflict, which can lead to relationship problems.

Houston Marriage Counseling: Tiger or Turtle?

So, which animal describes you, and which one seems like your spouse? Most people have aspects of both animals in their personality but, in general, the following characteristics are common for each.

Tiger

You want a big discussion and tend to be loud and forceful about your opinions, often enhancing what you’re saying by gesturing. You need your partner to engage with you and to work things through together. If they won’t do that, it just becomes more frustrating to you and you become more forceful.

Turtle

You don’t need grand speeches and fights about every little thing. When something bothers you, most of the time you can work it out for yourself without causing a scene, and you’re not interested in engaging with someone when they’re emotional—you just want it to end. You retreat during arguments but if pushed too far you can snap back in a big way.

Houston Marriage Counseling: Knowing Your Type Can Help You Work Through It

Couples who recognize whether they are tigers or turtles can use that information to try to meet their partner halfway. This can help to curb relationship problems caused by frustration at having to deal with someone who just doesn’t think like you. It’s not easy though, and if you feel like you need professional advice, Houston marriage counseling can help.

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Houston Marriage Counselor Says We Can Die from Broken Hearts

Most of my Houston marriage counselor clients are concerned with getting relationship help that will keep their marriage going and allow them to rediscover happiness with their partner, but just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean that our feelings about it do.

Sometimes we can feel the loss of a person or a relationship so strongly that it literally breaks our heart. Doctors call this condition Broken Heart Syndrome, and it involves the adrenal gland sending so many hormones to the heart that it actually shuts down and stops working.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Broken Heart Syndrome

Unlike with a heart attack, there’s nothing blocking the pathway to the heart. The muscle itself simply becomes “dysfunctional” and won’t work like it should. In essence, the heart muscle breaks.

Technically, there are a lot of emotions that can cause Broken Heart Syndrome, and it doesn’t have to be tied to grief or the end of a relationship. Experts say that it is just as likely for someone dealing with extreme anxiety, fear, or even surprise to trigger the issue. What it does mean, though, is that strong emotions are felt at the cellular level of our bodies and can cause extreme physical problems.

Watch for Signs of Broken Heart Syndrome, Says Houston Marriage Counselor

Though BHS can occur at any time, it’s most common about a week after a major stressor such as the death of a spouse or the end of a relationship. Help your loved one by keeping an eye out for signs that they may be on the verge of breaking their heart, such as:

  • Not eating
  • Not sleeping
  • Neglecting or being haphazard with medications
  • Disengaging from friends and life
  • Increased stress

You can combat these things by doing your best to support your loved one and make sure they get the care they need. Check on them regularly, bring meals, remind them of their strength, and above all just be willing to listen to them. And if you feel like they’re not looking well, making them see the doctor could save their life.

The important thing is not to give up. If they won’t talk to you, perhaps they’ll be more willing to speak with a professional therapist. And don’t underestimate the toll this is taking on you, either. For more advice and help getting both of you through this, talk to the Houston marriage counselor.

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