Marriage During a Crisis! 6 Tips to Divorce-Proof Today

We are all living a new normal these days, experiencing so much uncertainty and grief in our collective consciousness. What we do know is that it’s hard to be alone right now. Unfortunately, we also know that it can be difficult being in the same space for 24 hours with the same person. When that person is your spouse, it can lead to marriage problems.

We receive so many suggestions of things we can do during this time, such as learn a new language, take up a new exercise program, or read that great American novel we’ve put off for years.

Well, here’s a “significant accomplishment” we can all put at the top of our To-Do list today: When you feel triggered — or even slightly irritated — refrain from acting in a way that damages your relationship and causes marriage problems.

I think many of us felt incredibly sad when we read that the divorce rate in Wuhan China rose significantly after coronavirus lockdowns. So maybe we should start a movement where we go in the opposite direction… Would you like to join us? 

Take that first step on the journey to help you and your partner stay connected during the coronavirus crisis. When you incorporate these six steps in your daily practice, you’ll bring more care into your relationship and deepen your love as you move forward together.

Tip #1 – It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry Sometimes

Go to sleep, surrender, wake up, and let the light of a new day bring a fresh perspective.

Tip #2 – Diffuse the Fight

Stop reacting and defending. Instead, be willing to listen. Bring kindness and empathy. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself to reconnect.

Tip #3 – Go the Distance

Fighting causes resentment and damage. Instead, stop and dialogue. Or schedule a dialogue to truly understand each other through the lens of empathy.

Tip #4 – DON’T CRITICIZE — Ever!

Criticizing damages the relationship, and you can’t take back your hurtful words. If you are doing this, pause and change your language to explain why you’re struggling rather than what’s wrong with your partner.

Tip #5 – Be a Positive Mirror for your Partner

Reflect back to your partner their best traits, why you married them, what you love about them, and so on. Your opinion carries a lot of weight!

Tip #6 – Hold on to Yourself

Keep your friends, your interests, and your own passions. Focus on mutual admiration and respect, and enjoy the differences.

Incorporating these six steps on a daily basis can help us act like adults. Specifically, they can help us have the capability of noticing our irritations and making a conscious decision to respond differently in the moment.

Here’s an Exercise to Help:

  • Make a list of the ways you react when you’re triggered. 
  • Next to that list, make a list of how you could respond differently. 
  • Study it daily and use it. Most especially, use it at the moments when your partner is acting like a toddler instead of an adult.

Here are a few Techniques to Help:

  • If you feel heat and upset increasing inside of you, take a pause and WAIT before you speak. 
  • Picture a stop sign ?.  
  • Ask, “What can I do to make this better right now?”

It really is okay to decide just to let things go. I know, our ego wants us to fight to the finish line to prove ourselves right. But instead, you can create a code word that both you and your partner agree upon as a signal to allow things to cool down. Or a code word to let it go and protect the relationship first. You can even select a funny word that makes you both laugh!

It’s especially helpful to value letting it go at bedtime. You really don’t need to stay up all night in a tear-stained and petulant back-and-forth when things can seem much better in the light of day. Go to sleep, get up, and make a fun breakfast. It will be over, we swear.

And don’t forget — if you have kids at home, they’re watching a movie about how to relate! Choose the movie you want your kids to view and lock in for their lifetime.  

If you are struggling with marriage problems during this crisis, we’re here to help. Check out our Imago Relationship Workshops and Relationship Therapy in Houston, Texas. 

We also have Online Couples Therapy and Online Couples Workshops right now!  All you need is a laptop with a camera and mic, an internet connection, and to download the free Zoom app.

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Fighting with Love… or How to “Fight Fair”- Part 1

If we asked whether you and your spouse “fight fair,” what would you say? What would they say? What actions and reactions make for a fair fight in your opinion? Like everything else that ensures positive growth in a committed relationship – every couple’s answers to those questions are slightly different. 

Every couple fights, it’s unavoidable. You must view it as a part of the growth of the relationship. Still, there are some preliminary boundaries you can set up with one another, and a few universal ground rules to resolving conflict that can help guide you through the rocky roads you will inevitably travel together. 

Before you can even get to that step, though, you have to take a long, honest look at the way that each of you currently handles things when tensions get high. 

That’s what we’re going to cover in Part 1 of this post. In Part 2, we’ll dive into some universal ground rules that you should institute to help you fight more positively. 

Fair? Maybe, maybe not. Fair-er? Absolutely!

Relationship Advice: Fighting Fair Starts with Knowing How You Personally Address Conflict

All of us continuously experience conflict. From our earliest memories all the way to the very last disagreement we’ve had – probably within the last couple of days. One thing we can probably all agree on: conflict never feels good. 

Because of this, we each develop our own methods for dealing (or not dealing) with it. Check out some of the most common ways people tend to react during couples’ conflicts. These are coping mechanisms that help us through the emotions we face when conflict arises. 

Do any of these sound familiar to you and your partner?

You:

  • Skirt around an issue 
  • Ignore your own feelings
  • Completely clam up because it feels safer than explaining 
  • Become unresponsive because it seems like your feelings don’t matter to your partner anyway
  • Feel like criticisms and differences of opinion are meant as a personal attack
  • Say things you know will hurt the other person in response to your own hurt
  • Bring up things that continue to bother you, even when not part of the current argument

Most likely, at least a couple of those hit home. The unique ways we deal with conflict are countless. So the first step to fighting fair is understanding how you tend to cope with feelings of upset.

A quick word: try not to tell your partner how you think they react. If they are having trouble determining their particular tendencies, you might want to involve an unbiased third party to help. Otherwise, it’s just going to come across as things you think they do wrong – and that’s never helpful.

Both of you becoming aware of your tendencies will inform the second part of this equation, because you’re going to need to come up with rules and boundaries that are unique to the two of you. Just remember, it takes discipline not to react in a defensive way, which may be your go-to when it comes to conflict. It takes mindfulness and character to stay focused on the most important thing — the relationship!

That being said, there are some general ground rules that are always helpful, and we’ll cover that relationship advice in Part 2. 

Still struggling with that first step? Reach out for relationship advice. An Imago-based couples workshop or a few private sessions might be just what you need.

 

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Keep Your Marriage Fresh: Trying New Things Keeps the Spark Alive

Finding someone who makes you happy is wonderful. It only makes sense that you’d want that happiness to last forever. The problem is that it’s all too easy to grow complacent and lose sight of what made you enjoy being with each other to begin with. 

Research shows that strong, long-lasting relationships are fed through experiencing new things together. That’s right – keeping your marriage fresh, happy, and exciting can be as simple as putting in some work to find new things to do. Luckily, that work could and ought to be fun for both of you!

Here are just a few ideas for ways you can try new things together.

Explore Your World 

Date nights shouldn’t die out just because you’re no longer just “dating.” Spending time together doing new things can increase marriage satisfaction, according to a study by Stony Brook University. Keeping date night alive is a great way to try new things together. 

It doesn’t have to be the traditional dinner and a movie, either. Hiking, roller skating, or geocaching are especially good choices because exercise helps release endorphins in the brain. By getting active together, you get a double whammy of feel-good chemicals released into your body. That makes both of you more likely to want to do it again. 

Alternatively, you can “explore” by learning something new – going to a museum, taking a class, or joining a group that is outside your knowledge base or typical comfort zone.

Explore New Goals 

Working with your partner to achieve a shared goal is a great way to learn more about them and reignite the spark. Maybe you’ve both always wanted to travel. Or you’ve been meaning to get yourselves to the gym more. Or finally put in that vegetable garden. Give them a warm invitation and let them know how much more you’d enjoy sharing the experience.  Let them know that s/he is very important to you.

By working together on these shared desires, you can increase your chances of meeting these goals and grow closer at the same time. For best results, choose something that neither of you currently do regularly. This way you can take the plunge together, and help each other learn.

New goals can also be relationship goals. If this seems daunting to tackle on your own, look into couples’ retreats. These are designed to help you and your partner get away from daily life and let you get to know your partner. You can even find retreats that focus on rebuilding relationships that aren’t as interesting as they used to be. 

Explore Each Other 

It can be easy to let physical intimacy slide as your lives get busier. Physical touch seems minor in the grand scheme of things, after all. However, affectionate touch helps your body release oxytocin, a chemical that strengthens emotional bonds. 

Even if you don’t have the energy to do more, cuddling your partner can make you feel more connected to them. If you do have more energy, don’t be afraid to switch up your routine. At worst, trying new things in the bedroom can lead to a funny story. At best, it opens you up to fun activities and bonding time with your partner. 

You can explore each other mentally, too. Couples’ counseling isn’t just for people on the verge of a breakup. Having an unbiased third party involved can make you both feel more comfortable opening up. They can also help you see and overcome problems that you may not have consciously noticed yet. They can even help keep you motivated to try new things elsewhere. An Imago Therapist knows lots of skills that are evidence-based, proven to help you both take your Relationship to the next level, to the Marriage of your dreams.

 

Trying new things may seem intimidating, but that’s why doing it with your partner is so great – they’re your safety net and your accountability. Staying in love over the long haul takes work, but it’s worth the effort to reach out and get marriage help, whether it’s through a couples’ retreat, starting counseling, or just going on more dates. 

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New Year’s Resolutions for Your Relationship

January 1, 2020 isn’t just the start of a new year. It’s the start of a new decade! This exciting milestone is the perfect time to start fresh, commit to healthy habits, and make goals for upcoming weeks, months, and even years. 

We all know the most common New Year’s Resolutions: lose weight, quit smoking, go to the gym, and so on. But have you ever made resolutions for your relationship? 

This is a great opportunity to sit down with your partner and plan for the next 10 years together. How do you want to grow? What pieces are missing from the puzzle? How can you prevent repeating the struggles and frustrating situations that may have come up in the past year (or 10!)? 

If you’re stuck, here are some suggestions for New Year’s Resolutions that you and your partner can work toward together. 

Support Each Other’s Journey

Not all of your resolutions have to be made as partners. But if you know that your partner has specific goals for 2020, support them! Resolve to be their cheerleader and support system as they begin their journey to lose weight, change careers, quit smoking, or whatever. 

Get Out Of Your Routine

The same routine of waking up, going to work, and watching TV in the evening doesn’t leave much opportunity for growth and personal development. Resolve to try something new together. It could be anything, from signing up for a cooking class to spicing things up in the bedroom. This exciting adventure could help both of you step out of your comfort zone and see each other in a new way. 

Listen More 

We all get in the habit of waiting for our turn to speak. When was the last time you really listened to your partner? When was the last time you heard them and sat with what they told you? 

Resolve to listen to your partner more. When they approach you with a problem, put down your phone, turn off your desire to respond, and listen. Repeat what they told you in your mind before you respond. Put yourself in their position and try to feel how they must feel. Then you can respond. 

Attend a Couple’s Workshop

Couple’s workshops aren’t just for couples who have “relationship problems” or are “in trouble.” They are a way for all couples to dive deeper into their relationship and reassess their goals. Take a weekend or even a day to sit down with your partner and hear from a professional about how to better understand what your partner needs from your relationship. 

Interested in learning more about couples’ workshops? Read more information, including dates and FAQs, here. 

 

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