Houston Marriage Counseling: How to Cope with a Passive-Aggressive In-Law – Part 2

In my previous blog, I talked about how passive-aggressive behavior can affect your relationship with your in-laws and also your spouse. It can be difficult to deal with, particularly if you don’t have a relative who engages in this type of behavior.

Here are a few more tips on how to best deal with the situation.

Houston Marriage Counseling: More Tips for Handling Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Politely Decline Help – One behavior that many passive-aggressive people engage in is agreeing to a favor or even offering to help and then becoming resentful or playing the martyr. Sure, your mother-in-law will help, but she’ll make it clear that she’s miserable the whole time. Or even worse, she won’t actually follow through, causing problems for you. If you find yourself experiencing this behavior, there’s a simple solution: don’t ask for help or accept any offers.

Let Go of Guilt – Passive-aggressive people often use guilt to manipulate others, and if you cave, it often only gets worse. There will always be something else to complain about. For example, your father-in-law complains that he only gets to see the kids every other week. When you start visiting weekly, he now complains that he only gets to see them once a week! This is simply a method of control. Remember, you have the right to make your own decisions based on your morals.

Don’t Be Passive-Aggressive in Return – It can be tempting to want to give the offending party a taste of their own medicine, but this will actually backfire. Instead, it’s better to behave in a manner that you hope others will as well. Be aware of the messages you are sending the other person about how to interact with you.

Let It Roll Off Your Back – Don’t take this behavior personally. This is a pattern of behavior that this individual developed in childhood as the result of being punished for expressing negative emotions or due to an intense fear of confrontation or losing control. And often, your misery actually rewards the behavior. If the behavior isn’t making you unhappy, then they may actually stop, so remain positive. Similarly, it’s important to control your temper since becoming angry can provide your in-law with the opportunity to play the victim.

Be Consistent – Just like you do with your children, praise positive behavior, and ignore or don’t give in to passive-aggressive behaviors. You won’t see change immediately, but often over time, you’ll see a difference.

Struggling to get your spouse on board or to help him or her see the issue? Consider trying Houston marriage counseling to get on the same page and prevent relationship issues.

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Houston Relationship Counselor: How to Cope with a Passive-Aggressive In-Law – Part 1

As the Houston relationship counselor, I know that dealing with the in-laws can often be a contentious situation. Unlike your spouse, you don’t have a lifetime of experience learning how to best interact with them.

One of the most challenging personality traits is often passive-aggressiveness. Your in-law may be upset with you but avoid conflict, instead engaging in more subtle forms of “warfare.” You may find yourself the victim of subtle insults or backhanded “compliments.” The in-law may try to manipulate you or your spouse rather than simply asking for something. He or she may be obstructive, engage in sabotage, or play the victim. In some cases, you may not even be aware that this individual is upset with you!

If you don’t have experience dealing with this type of person, it can be a struggle for both you and your spouse, and it can cause serious marriage problems over time.

The Houston Relationship Counselor’s Tips for Dealing with Passive-Aggressiveness

Accept Their Word – Your in-law is sulking or fuming, but when you ask what’s wrong, you’re met with a simple: “I’m fine.” Instead of agonizing over what you could have done to cause the behavior, just take it at face value. Treat him as though nothing is wrong. You’re not a mind reader, so if something’s not okay, let him bring it up.

Be Upfront – A fear of confrontation is often what drives passive-aggressive behavior. By talking to the person directly about an issue, the behavior may actually stop. But it’s important to confront them in the right way – with “I” statements instead of “You” statements. It’s the difference between a complaint and a criticism. This can help prevent it from feeling like an attack, which will likely make the person play the victim.

Make Your In-Law Decide – Often, passive-aggressive people avoid making decisions. That way, they don’t have to accept any responsibility for the outcome, and they have free reign to complain. Instead, ask your in-law to make decisions about the things that he or she frequently complains about, like the time and place to meet up or what to eat.

Check back soon for part two with more tips on how to deal with a passive-aggressive in-law from the Houston marriage counselor.

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Houston Marriage Counseling Shares Mantras for a Successful Relationship

Effective communication is one of the most important tools I ask my Houston marriage counseling clients to practice. Sometimes even repeating certain phrases can help you calm down and begin to resolve relationship issues.

By using mantras, you and your partner can focus your attention on solutions instead of problems. Zen Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has four mantras for a successful relationship that I would like to share today.

Houston Marriage Counseling: Thich Nhat Hanh’s 4 Mantras for a Successful Relationship

1. “Darling. I’m here for you.” Keep in mind that the most important thing you can offer your spouse is your presence and undivided attention. Show your spouse that you are there for him or her in the present moment, and that you are not distracted by the past or the future.

2. “Darling. I know you are there and I am so happy because you are truly there.” Recognize the importance of your spouse. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, and by acknowledging how much your spouse’s presence means to you, you are validating his or her role in your life.

3. “Darling. I know you suffer…that is why I am here for you.” This phrase is more powerful than the tired “I know how you feel.” Instead of making the claim that you understand exactly what your partner is going through, acknowledge that he or she is suffering because of your relationship problems and that you want to offer your support. Your presence alone can begin to bring relief.

4. “Darling. I suffer. I am trying my best to practice. Please help me.”  This is a mantra for when you feel like you want to punish the person you love for making you suffer. Repeating this phrase is meant to help you overcome that feeling, and to show your partner that your relationship is valuable enough that you are willing to work to repair it. By asking for your partner’s help, you are both making yourself vulnerable and showing that you want to work together to resolve your relationship issues.

These mantras are a powerful step towards reconciliation, but you and your partner don’t have to practice them alone. Houston marriage counseling can help as you work to strengthen your relationship.

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Relationship Therapy in Houston: Help for Moms

If years of handling relationship therapy in Houston have taught me anything, it’s that many moms put a lot of pressure on themselves. There’s often both a desire to be independent and career-minded while also devoting themselves to their children. And no matter which one they’re engaged in, they feel guilt and worry that they’re not doing enough in the other area.

No knock on dads, who also have a lot of stress and responsibility on their plates, but moms tend to put a lot more self-imposed stress on themselves to be everything to everyone and ignore what they need. That means neglecting their health and their relationship—areas that could be a source of strength.

And actually, “ignore” is probably the wrong word. Moms may not take action to help with those things that they’re neglecting, but they spend plenty of time obsessing over everything they think they’re doing wrong and all the bad things that could happen. This hampers communication and can cause huge marriage issues.

Relationship Therapy in Houston: Explore Your Anxieties to Get Relief

What do most moms worry and obsess over? They’re pretty common concerns. They fear for their health because they’re always running around, worry that they’re not doing a good enough job raising their kids, worry that they’re not being a good enough wife, and worry about money.

Obviously, those are very general fears but they can manifest themselves in very specific negative ways if left to fester for too long. My advice is to tackle those fears head-on as soon as you realize they’re causing personal problems or marriage issues. How do you do this?

Guilt or worry? Define your fears. “Guilt” refers to a negative feeling about something that has already happened, while “worry” is about the future. Write everything down on paper because it helps to externalize your fears.

What are the chances? Once you have them written down, be honest with yourself about how likely they are to happen. Regardless of their likelihood, take each fear to its logical conclusion and write out what will happen if it comes true. This will help you to see how ridiculous some of the things you’re obsessing over are.

Work on prevention. For those things that are relatively rational fears, think about what steps you can take to stop them from coming true and act on those plans.

You Can Get Help in Relationship Therapy in Houston

It’s not easy to find time for yourself when everything else feels like it should be the number one priority. But always remember, the best thing you can do for your family is to keep yourself happy and healthy. Relationship therapy in Houston can help.

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