Relationship Therapy in Houston: How to Be the Right Kind of Advocate for Your Partner

Through my experience with relationship therapy in Houston, I’ve seen that some of the strongest relationships come from partners who know how to offer each other support. It’s important to be aware of how you offer support to your partner, however, because studies have shown that unqualified support can do more harm than good.

What does that mean? If the support you offer comes across as insincere or half-hearted (such as absentmindedly saying “You’ll be just fine” when your partner tells you about a problem at work), it could actually end up hurting your spouse’s feelings or causing resentment. It’s important to learn and practice how to be the best possible advocate for your partner.

Identifying the Right Kind of Support in Relationship Therapy in Houston

There is a multitude of different ways to show support for your partner, but let’s break them down into four categories.

  • Physical comfort and emotional support (such as holding your partner’s hand)
  • Esteem support (verbalizing your confidence in your partner)
  • Informational support (giving advice)
  • Tangible support (such as taking on extra household responsibilities when your partner is stressed)

The type of support that is most effective in your relationship depends on you and your spouse, but it’s important to be careful with the informational support you offer your partner. Studies show that informational support can be the most detrimental type because it can sometimes be interpreted as giving unwanted advice.

However, some people may appreciate advice from their partner. It all depends on the dynamics of your relationship; there’s no universal form of support that everybody likes best.

What’s the best way to find out how to be the best advocate for your partner? Start a dialogue. Ask him or her what you can do to help, and in turn be willing to tell your partner how he or she can best support you. Sometimes we think we know what’s best for our partner, but we have to respect their right to tell us what they think is best for them.

It’s also helpful to remember that HOW you say something, generally speaking, is more important than WHAT you say. Tenderness, even combined with firmness, is the “major league play” of a great lover. Gain your partner’s support by being your partner’s champion, including when they seem grumpy and difficult.

Come into relationship therapy in Houston if you’d like to seek more marriage help and talk some more about how to best support your partner, especially if he or she is going through a difficult time.

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Houston Marriage Counselor Discusses How to Avoid Negativity In Your Relationship

If you’re seeking relationship help from a Houston marriage counselor, chances are you’ve been experiencing some negativity in your relationship. When you’re in the middle of an argument with your partner, it’s all too easy to let your emotions get carried away and to start placing blame or behaving harshly. “Harsh” behavior is anything from yelling to expressing hardness through the face, eyes, and voice, and this is never productive. Luckily, there are ways to avoid negativity even when you’re having a disagreement.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Tips to Conquer Your Negativity

1. Remember the intention of your relationship. When you entered into this relationship, what were your intentions? You probably wouldn’t have wanted to be with your partner if you didn’t love them and see their good qualities. Remember these qualities, and your original relationship intentions, the next time you get into a fight. Keeping these things in perspective will help you avoid negativity.

2. Speak about how you feel rather than about what you think your partner is doing wrong. Be careful about the phrasing that you use when you’re upset with your partner. Rather than saying something like, “You’re making me angry,” say something like, “I’m feeling frustrated because of the way we’re approaching this.” That way you’re letting your partner know how you feel without placing the blame squarely on their shoulders.

3. Don’t think about having a “winner” or “loser” in the argument. When we argue, we tend to get caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong, but it’s usually not a black and white issue. There are two sides to every argument, and becoming convinced that you’re completely in the right while your partner is wrong only contributes to your negativity. Instead, try to consider the situation from your partner’s perspective and come up with a compromise.

4. Take responsibility for negative things that you have said or done. Whether it’s through movies and TV or our personal life, we’ve all heard the phrase “I didn’t mean to say that” when someone regrets something they’ve said in an argument. Instead of leaving it at that, take ownership of anything you’ve said that may have hurt your partner and apologize.

The goal of a conscious marriage is to end all negativity. Obviously, we’re only human, so we can’t do that perfectly. But by setting this goal and making a conscious effort to cut out negative words and actions, you’ll be working towards a healthier, more mature relationship. And you can always talk to a Houston marriage counselor if you need more relationship help to learn to eliminate your negativity. 

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Houston Marriage Counselor: It’s About How You Feel

Lots of couples think they come to the Houston marriage counselor because their spouse is a jerk, doesn’t care, won’t listen, and so on. But in reality, that’s not quite accurate. Relationship problems are rarely caused by actions, but by how those actions make the other person feel.

In other words, you not taking out the trash isn’t ruining our relationship. But when I ask you to do it and you ignore me, or when you act like it should be my responsibility and it puts more stress on me, then it becomes a problem.

Unfortunately, we’re rarely good at recognizing and rationally explaining emotions. Instead, we tend to latch onto specific actions and behaviors as “bad” things that our loved ones do and punish and insult them for those behaviors. Not surprisingly, that strategy often backfires.

Approach Problems with Emotions, Says Houston Marriage Counselor

Initially, thinking about addressing a problem emotionally may seem like a mistake. After all, getting emotional about something can often cause it to become blown out of proportion. Except that isn’t what we’re talking about here.

Getting emotional tends to mean directing the power of your feelings at someone or something, and it’s true that that can often lead to more trouble. I’m talking about approaching issues from the standpoint of emotions or feelings.

For example, if we were having trouble with our spouse going out too much, many of us would probably say something like, “You spend too much time with your friends. It’s like you don’t even care about me!” But that creates defensiveness and can lead to more arguing and, ultimately, serious relationship problems.

Here’s a better approach: “Lately, I’ve felt lonely and sad because you’ve been spending more time with your friends than you do with me.” See the difference? Instead of attacking and insulting, you’re appealing to their desire to make you feel wanted and loved – something that both people should always want for the other person in a healthy relationship.

The Houston Marriage Counselor Can Teach You to Speak How You Feel

Speaking how we feel isn’t normal or natural for most of us. We’re taught to suppress our emotions because that’s how people behave in society, and much of the time this is for the good, but when we need to express ourselves in our relationship it can become an issue.

Understanding both the difference and the relationship between feelings and thoughts is essential.   Thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) produce emotions (aka ‘feelings’), which are word labels created to describe how my body is experiencing my thoughts. Both my thoughts and my emotions need to be closely monitored, and together they have a wealth of information about me, who I am, and why I behave the way I do.  It’s important for me to feel my emotions, and it’s perhaps even more important to happiness and wisdom to MANAGE my thoughts.  Psychotherapy, like a conscious marriage, is a great opportunity to do this sort of work on one’s self, and help one’s partner, too.

If you’re having difficulty understanding or vocalizing your emotions without blaming your partner, or if you’d like to learn more about how to practice showing intentionality, talk to the Houston marriage counselor.

 

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Relationship Therapy in Houston: Showing Intentionality

One of the big things we work on in relationship therapy in Houston is showing intentionality when you talk to each other. Intentionality is a key ingredient for success in a marriage or committed relationship. In my Houston couples counseling center, we define intentionality as deciding what you want in life and then behaving in such a way to make it happen. Intentionality extends beyond intimate relationships and is a huge part of being a responsible, successful adult.

Intentionality is something that we all have to make a conscious effort to work on. We tend to develop habits with our loved ones over time that can derail our attempts at communication unintentionally. You know how your spouse never seems to listen to you or they accuse you of “making a face” or “having a tone” even when you don’t intend to? Those are things that we do unconsciously much of the time, but if we know that we do them, it’s possible to correct the problem by actively working on them.

Why would you want to go to all the effort? Because those seemingly small, unintentional things can have big consequences. Your spouse may begin to feel less and less comfortable talking to you about things because they don’t want to have to deal with your reaction. Or they may simply stop caring about talking to you because you seem like you don’t care about them. Either problem can lead to couples needing some serious marriage help.

Declare Your Intentions in Relationship Therapy in Houston

When we work on this exercise together, I have couples talk about the “intentions” that they need to work on. Their lists will always be different, not just because everyone has unique tics, but also because one of them will always be the “sender” and one will be the “receiver.” Basically, that just means that one person (the sender) is choosing the topic and talking about an issue important to them and the other person (the receiver) is actively listening.

In order for the process to work, both people have to “show up,” which means displaying good will toward and high regard for the other person. How do you do that?

As the sender, you need:

Soft voice
Eye contact
Open posture
Feeling words
Be accountable for your behavior
BREATHE
Neutral, friendly face and tone
Upright posture (i.e. sit up so you can express your full aliveness)
Short sends (i.e. be clear by using simple words and shorter sends)
Contain your emotions
Refrain from being critical or blaming

As the receiver, you need:

Mirror accurately, word for word
Use pause button
Open, upright posture
Neutral, friendly face and tone
Soft voice
Eye contact
Containing, sitting on your world, not interrupting, turning down your inner volume
Stay present and be open and curious to what your partner is saying
Be respectful and BREATHE

Get Marriage Help in Relationship Therapy in Houston

By displaying the above intentionality and working hard to be responsible and not to be reactive during the conversation, you can go a long way towards repairing your relationship and feeling safer and more connected. This exercise can be attempted at home on your own, but sticking with it and truly creating that safe space isn’t always easy without a neutral person. If you need more help, try relationship therapy in Houston.

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