Houston Marriage Counselor: Use Humor to Strengthen Your Relationship

It doesn’t take a Houston marriage counselor to tell you that couples who are able to laugh together are more likely to stay together than couples who don’t incorporate humor into their relationships. The act of laughing reduces stress, improves your mood, and allows you to feel a sense of connection and intimacy with the person who is sharing in your humor.

Laughter can also help when relationship problems arise, because if you and your partner have a history of playfulness, you will be better able to diffuse tension if you can both see the humor in the situation. Of course, this isn’t to say that humor is a miracle cure for relationship problems or that it is always positive.

Houston Marriage Counselor Covers the Do’s and Don’ts of Relationship Humor

First I’m going to examine some approaches to humor that don’t work, and then I’ll look at the type of humor that does strengthen relationships.

Don’t:

  • Joke in a way that’s only funny to you or that belittles and ridicules your partner. This type of humor creates a distance rather than a bond.
  • Use humor to avoid relationship problems. As I said earlier, it’s fine to use gentle humor to address your issues, but don’t use joking as a way to cover up the fact that something is wrong. You and your partner are both human and have a full range of emotions, so you don’t need to pretend that you’re happy and lighthearted all of the time.
  • Tell your partner that “It was only a joke” and they need to “Get a sense of humor.” Take it from the Houston marriage counselor – if you said something that upset them, then it wasn’t funny.

Do:

  • Share humor that both you and your partner will enjoy. For example, try thinking back to a funny experience from when you first started dating. The important thing is that neither you nor your partner should be the butt of the joke.
  • Make sure that your verbal and nonverbal cues are creating positive, warm signals when you joke with your partner.
  • Have a sense of humor about yourself. If you are able to let your guard down and goof around with your partner, then you are showing them that you feel comfortable with and close to them.

It’s never too late to start looking for the humorous in your life and your relationship. The best relationship advice I have as a Houston marriage counselor – and as someone who loves to laugh – is to remind yourself of the things that you and your partner have always found funny and enjoy sharing in that humor.

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Dialogue for a Better Relationship in Houston Marriage Counseling

Here in Houston marriage counseling, I practice Imago therapy, which emphasizes openly communicating with your partner to create empathy. Why do I think this practice is so important?  Well, ask yourself this: have you ever been blindsided by an argument with your partner and ended up thinking, Where did that come from? Maybe you thought everything was going fine, and you don’t understand why your partner lashed out at you like that.

The reason why we can be caught unaware like this is because early on in relationships, our brain chemistry convinces us that we want to be with our partner because they are like us, and their world is a mirror of our world. However, in longer-term relationships we learn that our partner is not exactly the same as us – they have their own thoughts and feelings, and we don’t understand them. That’s why dialoguing with our partner is such an important part of resolving relationship issues.

Houston Marriage Counseling Utilizes the Imago Dialogue

The idea behind the Imago Dialogue is to gain a better understanding of your partner’s feelings and history in order to move towards a more conscious relationship. It’s especially important to focus on a person’s history, because in conflicts generally only about 10% of the painful interactions are about the present situation, while 90% are about unresolved past relationship issues. By talking with your partner about the problem, you’ll get to the core of the issue sooner, rather than just dance around it through passive-aggressive fighting. Once you understand the root of the issue, you’ll be able to better empathize with your partner. You’ll see that while their world is not an exact replica of your world, you can understand where they’re coming from.

If you’re interested in learning more about Imago therapy and how to dialogue your way to a conscious relationship, I would recommend ordering a copy of the book “Getting the Love You Want” by Dr. Harville Hendrix or going to an Imago counseling workshop. My Houston marriage counseling center frequently puts on this type of event, and I’d be happy to work with you and your partner, whether you’re grappling with relationship issues or just want to understand each other better.

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Houston Marriage Therapist: Take Ownership of What’s Not Working

Something that I see a lot as a Houston marriage therapist is couples who place the blame for their relationship issues solely on their significant other. It’s just easier to admit that there’s a problem if you’re not the one responsible for it. However, it’s very rare that these relationship issues are completely one-sided.

This type of denial of responsibility is poison to a relationship. But if you’re able to be honest with yourself, you’ll be able to make room for growth and improvement.

Stop Making Excuses and Begin to Make Changes, Says Houston Marriage Therapist

Nobody likes taking responsibility for something that is going wrong, which is probably why we’re so quick to make excuses or blame others in situations where responsibility is not a black and white issue. But by placing the blame for a troubled relationship on your partner, you are hurting both your partner and yourself. You set your partner up as the villain and yourself as the passive victim, which can lead to feelings of personal inadequacy.

When you’re thinking about what’s been going wrong in your relationship, try adopting your partner’s perspective. Realize that your relationship is complex, and any perceived problems aren’t one person’s fault. Once you realize that, take ownership of what’s not working and move forward. Make sure that you’re not getting too caught up trying to find the original source of the problems, because there’s no point in dwelling on the past. Even if you don’t think the problems stemmed from you, taking ownership will make you feel like you’re in control of your life.

Houston Marriage Therapist: How to Move Forward

Once you’re able to admit that you are responsible for your actions and for what’s not working in your relationship, the next thing to do is to say, “How can I make this better?” Talk things out with your partner; having you claim ownership of your relationship issues might even encourage your partner to take ownership of his or her own actions, allowing you to work together to come up with solutions.

And if the two of you feel like you need help coming up with productive solutions, you can always see a Houston marriage therapist. I always enjoy working with couples who are willing to take responsibility and who want to make improvements in their relationship.

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Houston Relationship Counseling: Be the Partner You Want Your Partner to Be

One of the main things we focus on in Houston relationship counseling is having couples work together to figure out how to improve their relationship, rather than just having partners tell each other what they think the relationship problems are and what the other person needs to change. I’ve found that the best way to create positive results is often just through leading by example and being the partner you want your partner to be.

What Doesn’t Work, According to Houston Relationship Counseling

You need to be careful about how you talk to your significant other when it comes to change. You shouldn’t  just say something like, “You spend too much time complaining about work and it’s getting on my nerves. I never complain when I get home.” Asking for change in that way is accusatory and will likely make your partner defensive, leading to more relationship problems.

You also shouldn’t expect your partner to be like Sandy and Danny in Grease and make huge changes just to please you. Working towards change in a relationship isn’t about changing who a person is fundamentally, but about inspiring more positive behavior in the way that the two of you interact.

Modeling Positive Behavior in Houston Relationship Counseling

Think about the ways you behave, especially under difficult circumstances. Do you make an effort to be thoughtful and emotionally supportive, even after a long, stressful day? Or do you become distant and critical? Think about how you would react if your partner came home, slammed the front door, complained about how tired he or she was, and then criticized the state of the kitchen. That would probably make you defensive and put you in as bad a mood as your partner is in.

Now think about how you would react if your partner came home, put his or her arm around you, said that he or she had a stressful day, but then asked how your day was? You’d probably be a lot more receptive to that kind of behavior. People pick up on even small physical and verbal cues and respond in kind, so if your behavior is loving, your partner is more likely to respond positively.

If you’re still experiencing relationship problems and want help figuring out how to inspire more positive behavior in your interactions with your partner, you can always come in to Houston relationship counseling.

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