Houston Relationship Counselor: The Way We Experience Love

Even if you’re not a Houston relationship counselor, you probably know a few things about the initial symptoms of being in love: sweaty palms, speeding heartbeat, trouble sleeping. These symptoms aren’t just the invention of pop music or romance novels—you really experience this physical craving for another person when you first fall in love.

You may have also noticed, though, that after a few years in a relationship, those passionate feelings fade and troublesome marriage issues may take their place. So what is it that changes over time, and how do you keep your relationship strong after the initial attraction stage?

Houston Relationship Counselor: How Initial Attraction and Attachment Work

When we first become attracted to someone, our brains release dopamine, which is considered the “pleasure chemical,” and norepinephrine, which increases our heart rate and level of excitement. Testosterone, the sexual desire hormone, also spikes in both partners before returning to normal levels after a longer period of time. This is why we experience feelings of elation, increased energy, craving, and sleeplessness when we think about the person we’re attracted to.

After about 2 or 3 years, the passionate love we felt at the beginning of our relationship has mostly faded, but if we have successfully bonded, this initial passion is replaced by long-term attachment. Endorphins and the hormone oxytocin—both of which are released during sex—help strengthen long-term relationships. Oxytocin strengthens the bond between two people, and endorphins create a general sense of well-being and security.

Houston Relationship Counselor: Work With Your Partner to Get Past Issues

Here are a few things you can try if you are having marriage issues in your long-term relationship:

  •  Set aside time to spend with your partner. Even if it’s just a date night once a week or watching TV together after dinner, spending more time together will strengthen your bond.
  • Do novel activities together. Finding a new activity that you can both try or a new skill that you can learn together can increase the sense of excitement in your relationship.
  • Don’t neglect physical intimacy. Since oxytocin and endorphins are released during sex, it’s important not to neglect the physical side of your relationship. While sex is not the most important part of committed love and marriage, it is nonetheless very important!
  • Tell your partner how you feel about them. By regularly verbalizing your affection for your partner, you can strengthen your bond and remind each other what you love about one another.

If you and your partner would like to talk more about how to strengthen a long-term relationship that seems to have lost its spark, don’t hesitate to come talk to the Houston relationship counselor.

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Houston Marriage Counseling: Healthy Ways for Couples to Cope With Stress

In my Houston marriage counseling office, I like to talk to couples about all the possible sources of stress in their lives and their relationships because I know that stress can be a major source of relationship problems. Some stress is healthy, but when you become too stressed out, you’re more likely to act or behave negatively around your partner, which will only increase their level of stress. If this negative cycle continues, you’ll end up fighting more and feeling disconnected from one another. However, there are many healthy ways that you and your partner can cope with stress.

Houston Marriage Counseling Offers Tips for Dealing with Stress

Recognize when you or your partner are getting stressed out. When partners lash out, become withdrawn, or aggravate previous relationship problems, it’s probably a sign of stress. That doesn’t justify unpleasant behavior, but it is an indicator that the two of you should dialogue with one another and process the problem so that you can feel more connected to one another.

Listen to your partner. Sometimes the best way to cope with stress is just to have someone who will be a sounding board for you. Many people feel like they’re better able to work through their problems if they verbalize them, so allow your partner to get whatever’s bothering them off their chest.

Find activities that will help you and your partner relax. You and your partner might have different ways that you like to relax, and that’s okay. Figure out what works best for each of you individually so that you can manage your stress level.

Ask what you can do to help. It can be hard to know what’s going to be best for your partner unless you directly ask them what they need to be less stressed out. Maybe there’s not a lot you can do, but maybe even just holding your partner or getting a sitter once a week so you can go out will make them feel better. You won’t know unless you ask. And of course, both partners have responsibility. Your partner won’t know what they can do to help you unless you open up to them as well. Hence the eternal importance of the dialogue!

Come in to Houston marriage counseling. Sometimes stress can get so overwhelming that you don’t even know how to begin coping with it. If you and your partner are struggling with relationship problems because of the stress in your lives, it is a very good time to come into Houston marriage counseling. A trained therapist can serve as a good listener and help you come up with effective ways to deal with stress.

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Houston Relationship Counselor Urges Couples to Get Out of Their Comfort Zone

As a Houston relationship counselor, I can’t count the number of times that couples have told me that they feel like they need marriage help because they’re in a rut in their relationship. They’ve been together a long time, and while the beginning of the relationship was new and exciting, they’ve fallen into a predictable routine and can’t seem to get out of it.

There’s a psychological basis for why people tend to get into a “comfort zone.” Being in a comfort zone reduces stress and risk while promoting a sense of mental security, so we tend to retreat into routines because it makes us feel safe. This can happen with individuals and in relationships, and there are advantages to breaking out of your comfort zone whether you’re single or committed to a long-term partner.

Why Should Couples Break Out of Their Comfort Zone? Houston Relationship Counselor Explains

Although we may feel good in our relationship comfort zone, avoiding risks can lead to boredom and passivity, which leaves people wanting marriage help. You and your partner should get out of your comfort zone because:

  •  By taking on risks or challenges in a controlled environment, you’ll be better prepared to face new and unexpected changes together
  • You’ll promote creativity because you’re forced to think about things in a new way, which in turn promotes empathy for your partner
  • You’ll find it easier to try new things in the future and will be able to get out of your “rut”

Houston Relationship Counselor Offers Ideas on How to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

So how should you and your partner go about getting out of your comfort zone? Here are just a few ideas:

  •  Go to a new restaurant that you know nothing about
  • Learn a new language or skill together
  • Take up a new physical activity that you can do together, such as biking or taking a partner dance class
  • Find a volunteer activity that you can do together

Of course, you don’t have to choose an activity on the above list—the important thing is for you and your partner to find an activity that you haven’t done before, even if it’s just something small, like establishing a date night. Getting out of your comfort zone can strengthen your relationship and your individual willingness to take risks. Want more suggestions? Contact the Houston relationship counselor today!

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Houston Marriage Counselor: Avoid Ultimatums

How would you feel if I, as the Houston marriage counselor, told you and your partner, “Set aside your differences, or else you can’t keep coming to counseling sessions”? You would probably be taken aback by me criticizing you in this blunt way and insisting that you resolve all your relationship problems or face harsh consequences.

Ultimatums within relationships make people feel the same way.  Issue an ultimatum to your partner and you’ll immediately set him or her on the defensive and create resentment. Even if you have the best intentions behind your ultimatum (for example, maybe you’re trying to get your partner into substance abuse treatment), this tactic rarely works out.

It’s About How You Say It, According to the Houston Marriage Counselor

That’s largely because of the way that ultimatums are delivered. They come across as an attempt to control or change another person, rather than addressing your own needs and emotions. When we give this kind of harsh criticism and place the responsibility for our relationship problems on our partner, our partner tends to become less receptive and even resistant.

While ultimatums are generally a bad idea, setting firm boundaries in your relationship can be a positive thing. What’s the difference? It’s in the way you present what you have to say. For example, instead of saying, “You need to stop drinking or I’m leaving you,” you could try something like, “It’s hard for me to see you drinking so much, and I don’t think we can work on our relationship problems together until you go to rehab.” That second statement focuses on how the speaker feels, and instead of coming across as a threat, it shows how he or she genuinely cares for their partner.

I also tell my Houston marriage counselor clients that it’s important to speak in a clear and calm manner when you’re setting boundaries. You don’t want to raise your voice or speak in a harsh tone, because this will make you sound combative, and it may seem like you’re laying down an ultimatum even when you’re not.  Remember, how you say something is generally more important than what you say.

It can be hard to work on relationship problems when you feel like your partner needs to change, but resist the urge to give them a strict ultimatum. Consider seeing a Houston marriage counselor so that you and your partner can talk about how you can work together to improve your relationship.

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