Houston Relationship Counseling: How Do Changing Personalities Affect Your Marriage?

Here’s something you might not have anticipated hearing from a Houston relationship counseling center: your personality when you married isn’t necessarily the same as your personality now. A study released in 2012 from the University of Manchester had 7,500 subjects complete a personality questionnaire, then asked them to complete the questionnaire again 4 years later. It found that different elements of their subjects’ personalities—such as introversion, conscientiousness, and being open to new experiences—frequently changed over that period of time.

So what does that mean for your long-term relationship? Are you doomed to suffer from marriage issues as you and your partner change over time? Not necessarily. I believe the key to a healthy relationship is understanding how your interpersonal dynamics may change, being open and flexible, and staying honest with your partner.

Tips for Making Your Relationship Work Long-Term from Houston Relationship Counseling

Share in new experiences. The reason why our personality evolves over time is because we keep having new life experiences that influence us. Spend time doing new activities with your partner so that you build more shared experiences and memories.

Be a good listener if your partner is going through a major upheaval. Sometimes there will be things in your partner’s life that you can’t experience with them directly—a major crisis at work, a fight with a sibling, a death in their family. These are the kinds of major life events that will continue to shape your partner, so be willing to listen to your partner about what they’re going through. For some of these bigger events, it may even be wise to look into Houston relationship counseling to help you through it.

Be patient. If you get into an argument and your partner says or does something unexpected, don’t just resort to yelling, “You’re not the person I married!” Far too many marriage issues arise from this kind of accusation. Instead, ask your partner why they acted or spoke the way that they did in an attempt to gain a better understanding of where they’re coming from.

Set aside time to talk. Preserving a long-term relationship requires time and effort. You need to work hard to set aside time to sit down with your partner and work through marriage issues. Sometimes this can difficult to do on your “home turf,” so many people find it beneficial to come into Houston relationship counseling where everyone is on neutral ground.

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Houston Marriage Counseling: Should You Have Relationship Role Models?

In Houston marriage counseling, I’ll sometimes meet someone who says something like, “My parents have been married for 50 years and are still crazy about each other… I want my marriage to be like that.” Hearing these kinds of statements have made me think about the idea of relationship role models and whether couples need other couples to look up to and emulate. I think there are pros and cons to relationship role models, and I’d like to talk about those this week.

Benefits of Having Relationship Role Models, from Houston Marriage Counseling

The most obvious advantage of having relationship role models is that it gives you and your partner the opportunity to see successful relationships and note the behavior that has helped those relationships endure. If you learn that they make an effort to eat dinner with each other every night and openly discuss relationship issues as they come up, those are things you can try out in your own relationship.

Relationship role models also give us hope because they show us that long-term relationships can work if we put in the time and effort to really understand our partners. If you’re struggling with relationship issues, it might be worth turning to someone you trust and admire to see how they cope with problems in their marriage.

Houston Marriage Counseling: Don’t Rely Too Heavily on Relationship Role Models

There’s always a flipside, though, and in some cases focusing too much on another relationship model might be detrimental. Let’s take the example of admiring a celebrity couple who always seem happy together and never exhibit any flaws. This is an unrealistic model to aspire to, because we don’t truly know the ins and outs of this relationship, and things are probably not as perfect as they seem. Everyone has disagreements with their partner sometimes, but if you’re a celebrity you’ll probably try to keep that off camera.

Another issue arises when we feel that we don’t have any positive relationship role models in our life to aspire to. I’ve talked to some clients who have said that because their parents divorced when they were young and because many of their friends are in unhappy marriages, they don’t know what a “good” relationship is supposed to look like.

The truth is, I’ve seen couples in Houston marriage counseling do just fine without relying on relationship role models. You have to remember that every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple won’t always work for you and your partner. The best thing to do is to just talk to your partner honestly about what you both want in your relationship, and to shape your own relationship model from there.

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Houston Marriage Counseling: Exercising With Your Partner

What do Houston marriage counseling and exercising have in common? At first you might think there’s not much similarity, but you might be surprised to learn that both can provide relationship help.

You’ve probably heard about some of the individual benefits of regular exercise—it reduces stress, makes you happier, increases your energy level, and gives you a confidence boost. One thing you may not thought of, however, is how exercising with your partner can strengthen your relationship.

Now, I’m not suggesting that exercise is going to provide all the relationship help you need if you and your partner have been experiencing conflicts. Having a healthy dialogue with your partner and potentially visiting Houston marriage counseling is the best way to work through relationship problems, but exercising together can provide additional help. Here are some of the reasons why.

Houston Marriage Counseling: How Does Exercise Help Couples?

Boosts self-confidence. Just last week I wrote about how important self-esteem is to your relationship. By setting and achieving fitness goals with your partner, you’ll begin believing in yourself and your abilities. Remember not to get competitive with your partner; this can actually lower your self-esteem and create resentment. Find an activity you can both do, like hiking or a spin class, and support each other.

Releases endorphins. Moderate to vigorous exercise causes your body to release endorphins, hormones responsible for pleasure and feelings of happiness. Work out with your partner and you can both reap the chemical benefit of exercise.

Improves sex life. I’ve always said that sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship, but it is still important. Studies have found that exercise boosts energy levels and sexual desire for both men and women. Exercise can be especially beneficial for keeping the sex lives of older couples alive and well.

Reduces stress. Stress—whether it’s from the relationship or not—can be a huge source of relationship problems, but exercise can combat that by making both you and your partner feel more relaxed and in control of your lives.

Gives you space to talk. Sometimes exercising with your partner may just provide you the time and space to talk about anything that’s been bothering you. Going on a walk or jog together removes you from other distractions and the usual setting of your home, which can make it easier to start working through conflicts.

With regular exercise and the help of Houston marriage counseling, your relationship will be back on the right track in no time!

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Houston Marriage Counselor: The Importance of Self-Esteem in Your Relationship

Working as the Houston marriage counselor, I’ve seen just how often relationship problems are caused by low self-esteem and insecurity. Low self-esteem makes you question your worth and your worthiness to be in a loving relationship, which can lead to you putting distance between you and your partner.

Self-esteem has long been a popular topic in the media and in psychology, but the concept is not actually as complicated as many people make it seem.  We each have core values– values that we both hold as personally sacred and also want to live by as best we can.  No one lives all of their core values perfectly all the time.  But one’s self-esteem is directly related to how congruent one’s behavior is to one’s core values.  Abraham Lincoln illustrated this well when he said, “When I do good, I feel good.  When I do bad, I feel bad.  That’s my religion.”

One of the main reasons people struggle with low self-esteem, however, is that they begin to view outside events as a direct reflection of their personal value. For example, a college student who gets a C on a paper or a businessman who doesn’t receive an expected raise may take this is as an evaluation of them as a person. Their low self-esteem will then make them crave approval from their partner, but they may also fear that their partner will no longer love them as much. This can lead to them becoming withdrawn or hypercritical, which in turn leads to bigger relationship problems.

So how can couples overcome low self-esteem in their relationships? Here are a few tips for individuals to improve their outlook and for partners to help their significant other bolster their sense of self-worth.

Tips for Improving Your Self-Esteem from the Houston Marriage Counselor

One tangible step you can take towards improving your self-esteem is to make a list of your strengths. Aim to have at least 10 things on your list. Trouble brainstorming? Think about the good things others (including your partner) have said about you and about any recent achievements (major or minor).

To start changing negative perceptions of yourself, acknowledge your accomplishments every time they come along—even if they seem minor. Whenever something happens that you view as a failure, use it as a learning opportunity rather than a reflection of your worth. Everyone makes mistakes; there would be something wrong with us if we never did!

Tips for Helping a Partner Improve Their Self-Esteem from the Houston Marriage Counselor

I recently wrote about applying positive psychology to your relationship, and I believe that’s especially important if your partner is struggling with low self-esteem. Whenever you notice something about your partner that you like, tell them. Little moments of appreciation can go a long way towards healing relationship problems.

If your partner is feeling particularly low because of an outside event in their lives, reassure them that you love them no matter what. Because people with low self-esteem may fear losing the love of their partner, offering this reassurance can help assuage their fear and improve their view of their own worth.

If you and your partner continue to struggle due to insecurities and low self-esteem, consider talking to a Houston marriage counselor. I frequently work with couples who want to come up with ways to improve their perspectives, and I’d be glad to work with you and your loved one.

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