Houston Marriage Counselor: Preparing Your Marriage for Retirement

As the Houston marriage counselor, I sometimes work with couples who have recently retired and are having trouble adjusting to the new patterns in their shared lives. The good news: divorce rates after retirement are relatively low, and according to Forbes, 60% of couples report an improvement in the quality of their marriage after retirement. However, many newly retired couples still encounter relationship problems at this stage.

Like moving away from home for the first time, marrying, or having a child, retirement is a huge life event that shakes up established routines. For married couples, retirement can mean rethinking how you function as a couple. Today I’d like to look at some of the common concerns and relationship problems that arise with retirement and how to address them.

Houston Marriage Counselor Offers Advice for Retiring with your Partner

Have a frank conversation about your retirement concerns. Even people looking forward to their retirement may also worry about how it will affect their quality of life. How will retirement impact your individual identity? How will you and your partner spend your newfound free time? How will your loss of income impact you? Before retiring, you and your partner should talk about your major concerns and work together to figure out how to resolve them. You might even consider meeting with a financial advisor or marriage counselor to address concerns about retirement that have been placing stress on your relationship.

Come up with a plan for domestic duties. Although it might seem like a minor issue unworthy of bringing up with a Houston marriage counselor, domestic duties after retirement are often a major source of contention. In general, women end up performing more of the household chores, most likely due to beliefs about a woman’s “role” in the home, and this can lead to resentment. You and your partner need to talk about what the division of labor will look like when you both have more time on your hands and come up with a plan that is agreeable for both of you.

Find activities to do together—and separately. Perhaps one of the best things about retiring is that you will have more time to spend with your partner. However, this newfound time together can be another source of relationship problems. Some people fear losing their individual identity and autonomy after they retire and may begin to resent spending too much time with their partner. If this is a concern for you, make sure that you have individual hobbies and activities that you enjoy doing—such as volunteering, gardening, and spending time with friends. At the same time, make sure you find activities that both you and your partner can enjoy doing together in your retirement, too. As a Houston marriage counselor, I love seeing couples who discover a new hobby or activity that they are passionate about and can share in once they retire.

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Relationship Therapist in Houston: Making Room for your In-Laws

As a relationship therapist in Houston, I work primarily with couples, but I also know what an important role people’s relationships with the rest of their family plays in their lives. And if you’re married or committed to a partner, their family becomes a part of your life, and your relationship to them can impact your marriage.

Especially with the holidays coming up, many people are preparing to spend more time with their in-laws. There are plenty of people who get along extremely well with their in-laws, but there are others who feel their in-laws know just how to get under their skin. If you’re in the latter camp, arguments with your spouse over your in-laws can lead to bigger marriage problems. They are his or her family, after all, and verbally attacking them isn’t healthy for your relationship.

Instead of allowing your in-laws to be a source of marriage problems, keep some of these tips in mind, and if necessary, seek the help of a relationship therapist in Houston.

Tips for Healthy In-Law Relationships from a Relationship Therapist in Houston

Be open to new traditions. Your partner and their family might have certain traditions that you yourself didn’t grow up with, but don’t knock them before you try them. If your partner has a family ritual that means a lot to them and they invite you to be a part of it, keep in mind it’s because they love you and want you to share in their life.

Learn to compromise. There are going to be times when the best course of action is compromising with your in-laws. Before you get into an argument, think about the source of contention. Is your mother-in-law letting your child eat dessert before dinner? You might not like it, but if it’s not going to seriously harm you or your family, it may be best to let it slide.

Remain calm when dialoguing. If you do need to confront your in-laws, keep your voice neutral and explain the problem without making it sound like you’re solely blaming them. Try to work with your in-laws to come up with a solution that will make everyone happy. You may need to establish some clear boundaries to make your relationship successful.

Know it’s okay to take a breather. If your in-laws are stressing you out too much, take a few minutes for yourself. Go into another room or take a short walk around the neighborhood, as long as briefly leaving won’t cause a scene. If your in-laws live nearby and you and your partner spend a lot of time at their house, know that you don’t necessarily have to go to every family event. Make an effort to go to some, though, to show that you care about your partner’s family.

Find a healthy outlet. Don’t let conflicts with your in-laws grow into marriage problems between you and your partner. If you’re experiencing more serious in-law problems, you and your partner should consider talking to a relationship therapist in Houston. And, of course, make sure that you and your partner can talk to one another about your in-laws. Be intentionally supportive of your spouse, especially around your family.  Before, during, or after contact, make yourself available for private dialogues, helping your partner to vent and process any difficulties with their in-laws (or their own family).

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Houston Marriage Therapist: TV Tropes Can Be Detrimental to Your Relationship

Few people who see a Houston marriage therapist are likely to cite television as the primary source of their relationship problems, but TV may have a bigger influence on some relationships than you might think.

I recently came across an interesting study by Mass Communication and Society that surveyed 392 people who had been married for an average of 19 years. The survey found that respondents who believed TV depictions of romantic relationships to be realistic were more likely to be dissatisfied with their own marriage. This suggests that TV sets some unrealistic expectations for relationships and can cause couples to forget that their own bond is unique.

Let’s take a look at some potentially harmful TV tropes so that you and your partner can learn what to take with a grain of salt.

Houston Marriage Therapist Examines Common TV Tropes about Romance

Relationship problems are resolved in a neat time frame. In many sitcoms, couples will get into some kind of conflict and then resolve it within the half hour time frame of the show—every week! In reality, most people need far more than 30 minutes to resolve issues. You will need to set aside time to talk and be patient, as there’s no neat time frame in real life. In fact, one big reason so many couples come to the Houston marriage therapist is to create that set time frame in a weekly session, but even then many issues will be explored for weeks and even months.

Intense arguments lead to a passionate resolution. We’ve all seen this on TV—a couple is having an intense screaming match only to suddenly remember how much they love each other and passionately make up. This isn’t meant to reflect reality; it’s designed to attract viewers. Yelling at your partner is never healthy, and I always recommend using respectful communication to work through disagreements.

There’s someone better out there. A number of shows have story arcs where the protagonist steals their true love away from a “bad” partner, which feeds the idea that there’s someone better that you could be with. This is certainly not a healthy relationship perspective. You’re with your partner for a reason. Remind yourself what you like about them by writing down a list of good qualities.

Men and women have certain “relationship roles” to adhere to. Too many TV shows still promote the idea that men and women have certain roles to play. For example, men are supposed to be stoic and keep their feelings bottled up while women are more likely to be emotional and nagging. Remember that there are no set roles or behaviors that you and your partner need to adopt—your relationship is your own and it is up to you to decide what form it will take. This is one of the myths that bothers me the most as a Houston marriage therapist.

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Houston Relationship Therapist: Dialoguing with an Introvert

There’s an old adage in the Houston relationship therapist community (and just about everywhere else) that opposites attract. To that end, there are plenty of healthy relationships between introverts and extroverts. Different personality types certainly don’t have to spell marriage problems.

If you’re in a relationship with a partner who has a different personality type than you, it’s important to try to understand their perspective and why they act the way they do. The best way to do this, of course, is to have a healthy, ongoing dialogue with your partner. But if your partner is an introvert and you’re an extrovert, you also need to understand certain things about how to dialogue.

Tips for a Healthy Dialogue from the Houston Relationship Therapist

Choose the right time for important conversations. The primary difference between introverts and extroverts is that introverts need time to themselves to recharge while extroverts get their energy from being around people. If you and your introverted partner have been out at a social gathering with a large group of friends all night, the minute you get home that night may not be the best time to delve into a serious conversation. Give your partner a chance to get their energy level up.

Don’t ambush your partner. This should apply for all partners, and it’s something I often touch on in my Houston relationship therapist sessions, but it’s an especially important tip when you’re in a relationship with an introvert. While extroverts might be comfortable saying things as soon as they come to mind, introverts tend to prefer spending more time internally working through ideas before putting them into words. Suddenly confronting your introverted partner about marriage problems may make them feel attacked and put them on the defensive. If you need to have a serious conversation with your partner, broach the subject by saying something like, “I think we should set aside time to talk about something that’s been on my mind. Can we do that now?”

Keep in mind that there’s no “right” personality type. Neither introversion nor extroversion is inherently better than the other. Keep that in mind when you’re dialoguing with your partner, and don’t resort to blaming marriage problems on the other person’s personality. If your partner has acted in a way that upset you, you should talk to them to get them to open up about why they felt they needed to behave that way.

Embrace your differences. It would probably be pretty boring to be in a relationship with someone who is exactly like you. Know that your partner isn’t always going to do or say the things that you would have done or said yourself, and accept that this is okay. Open communication can help you better understand and celebrate each other’s differences. Saying this is a lot easier than doing it, though, and sometimes you might find that you need the help of an experienced Houston relationship therapist.

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