Houston Marriage Counselor: Initiating a Dialogue

In previous blogs, I’ve talked a lot about the importance of dialoguing with your partner, and as a Houston marriage counselor and IMAGO therapist, I regularly help train people to engage in their dialogues. But one thing I’ve noticed is that the biggest challenge for many people is just initiating a dialogue in the first place. They may be nervous about how their partner will respond, worried that the conversation will seem unnatural, or just plain uncomfortable about starting anything.

Today I’d like to briefly talk about what couples can do to make that initiation easier.

First of All, What Is a Dialogue?

Before we get into the “how”, let’s back up and go over the “what” of the IMAGO dialogue.

According to IMAGO therapy founder Harville Hendrix, any good dialogue has three components: mirroring, validating, and empathizing. When you mirror, you listen closely to what your partner has to say and reflect their emotions. You validate them by processing and understanding the logic of what they’re saying, and you empathize by experiencing the emotions behind what they’re saying.

Dialogues are most effective when partners take turns being the “sender” and “receiver”. By engaging in these dialogues on a regular basis, couples can gain a greater understanding of who their partner is and ultimately become closer.

How to Start Dialoguing

Decide who will initiate. When you and your partner first decide to practice dialoguing, it may be easiest to designate who will start each day so you don’t both end up waiting for the other person to begin. Trade off so the same person doesn’t have the responsibility of initiating every time.

Pick a consistent time to dialogue. Find a time every day when you and your partner are alone and in a good state of mind to begin a dialogue. Maybe you and your partner won’t feel like dialoguing as soon as you get home from work, but you might feel prepared while you’re going for a walk together in the evening or getting ready to go to bed. Whatever time you choose, be consistent about dialoguing during that time every day—it will help you remember and put you in the right frame of mind.

Remind yourself why you want to dialogue. If you’re uncomfortable initiating a dialogue at first, take a moment to remind yourself why you’re doing this. Relationships take work and need to be given regular attention. You love your partner and want to make your relationship stronger, and dialoguing on a consistent basis is a great way to do this.

Talk to a Houston marriage counselor for more tips. Want to learn more about dialoguing and other IMAGO therapy exercises? Make an appointment to visit my Houston marriage counseling center, or visit the IMAGO Works website to learn more before you come in.

 

 

 

 

 

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Houston Relationship Counselor: Let Down your Defenses

Although most of us have heard the expression “the best offense is a good defense,” that sports analogy needs to go out the window when it comes to your relationship. Getting defensive isn’t a way to diffuse a problem – it’s a way to make things worse. When one or both partners get defensive, they put up barriers between each other and may become withdrawn and distant, and their relationship problems often just get worse over time. A lot of couples seek out a relationship counselor largely because of that defensiveness issue.

So what should partners do if defensiveness seems to be a problem in their relationship? I’d like to talk both about how to deal with a defensive partner and how to let your own guard down in order to have a healthier relationship.

 

How to Deal with a Defensive Partner

It’s human nature to want to feel safe, and when we’re in a position where we feel like we’re being attacked, our automatic response is to lash out at the attacker to protect ourselves. This doesn’t just apply to physical attacks – we may verbally lash out when we feel like we’re being emotionally attacked as well. If your partner is acting defensively towards you, it’s most likely because he or she is responding to something you said that they perceived as a direct attack.

The next time your partner gets defensive, think about what you said that may have caused them to react that way. Try to rephrase your point in a way that won’t make your partner feel unsafe. For example, instead of assigning blame to them for something that you feel is a problem, tell them how you feel. “I feel hurt when you won’t talk to me” will get you farther than “You never talk to me! Don’t you love me?”

Make your partner feel emotionally safe by really listening to what they have to say and asking questions in a non-critical way. Learn your partner’s true wants and needs and what you can do to help them reach their goals. As my relationship counseling colleague Jill Fein Baker puts it, you have to love your partner out of their defensiveness rather than going on the defensive yourself.

 

How to Lower your Defenses

If you find that you’re the one being defensive in your relationship, stop and ask yourself why you’re reacting in that way. Is it because you have trouble trusting your partner? Is it because past relationships have made you wary of getting close to someone?

In order to have a truly healthy relationship, you need to trust your partner and accept the safety they offer you. Be willing to open up and share how you feel so that your partner better understands you and where you’re coming from. It takes a lot of courage to let someone into your life, but if you really care about your partner, you need to let down your guard around them.

If you and your partner are still struggling to diffuse the defensiveness, consider seeing a Houston relationship counselor to learn more about how to create a safe environment.

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Houston Marriage Counseling: Curious Couples Keep Romance Alive

Last week, I talked about a technique that IMAGO therapy creators Harville and Helen Hendrix use to keep negativity out of their relationship, and this week I’d like to go into another practice that the couple promote—being in a “state of curiosity” with your partner.

What does that mean? Well, it doesn’t mean that you should snoop through your partner’s personal possessions or ask leading questions to get them to admit to wrongdoing – do that and you’ll definitely need a relationship therapist. This curiosity is much more positive. Harville Hendrix suggests that you need to take time every day to actively listen to your partner and ask questions about their day to encourage them to share.

Why is Curiosity Important?

Although all couples are different, many partners spend a lot of time away from each other during the week due to work or other obligations. Even when they’re both home, they likely still have responsibilities that occupy their minds and time, and their relationship may be put on the back burner all too frequently.

By taking time every day to be curious about your partner, you bring your relationship back to the forefront and make your partner feel cared for. Listening to your partner talk about their day also allows you to share in experiences that you may not have been able to be present for. Maybe your partner had a really stressful day at work, or maybe they recently received high praise from their boss—whether their day was good or bad, you should make an effort to share in it.

How to Stay Curious About Your Partner

Some partners may at first find getting into this daily “state of curiosity” easier said than done—when you have a lot on your mind, you may find it difficult to be a good active listener. You could always schedule time to come into Houston marriage counseling so that you and your partner have a set time to focus on one another, but not everyone needs a mediator.

Here’s how to become a good active listener in your own home. The most important thing to do is to remove distractions. Half-listening to your partner while you’re watching TV or picking up the living room isn’t going to cut it. Make sure you set aside at least a little time each day when you and your partner can be by yourselves, free from all distractions, and really listen to what the other person has to say. Ask questions when appropriate, but mostly just let your partner get their thoughts off their chest, then take a turn to talk about yourself while your partner listens. You may be surprised how much you’ll learn about your partner and how much excitement this kind of curiosity can bring back into your relationship. To learn more or schedule a session with the Houston relationship counselor, contact me today.

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Houston Marriage Counselor Urges Couples to Practice Zero Negativity

As a Houston marriage counselor, I know that relationship help doesn’t have to involve elaborate tools. Sometimes the best therapy just involves a calendar and willingness on the part of two people.

Let me back up a little bit before I explain where the calendar comes in. I practice Imago therapy, a method developed by Helen and Harville Hendrix. Before creating Imago, they realized they needed to do something about the negativity in their relationship. To cut negativity out of their lives, they challenged themselves to track their “zero negativity” days on a calendar. This seemingly simple method became a transformational experience for them and gave them the relationship help they needed to start healing and renewing their love.

Houston Marriage Counselor: Try the 30 Day Zero Negativity Challenge

I really admire the practices of Helen and Harville, and I want to urge my clients and readers to try their own 30 Day Zero Negativity Challenge. The goal, of course, is to keep track of 30 consecutive days when you and your partner don’t say or do anything negative to one another.

You might think that negativity isn’t a problem in your relationship, but it’s possible that you’ve been negative without even realizing it. Negativity is defined as any interaction that your partner experiences as hurtful, so before starting the challenge open up an honest dialogue with them to determine if they have been hurt by anything you’ve said or done recently. Part of the purpose of the challenge is to become aware of how you affect your partner emotionally.

While completing the 30 Day Zero Negativity Challenge, you should also focus on adding positivity to your relationship. When I do this with my Houston marriage counselor clients, I set a goal for them to give each other three new sincere appreciations per day – face-to-face unless one of them has to be out of town. If one of you forgets or does not get to three appreciations in a day, start over and keep trying until you get to 30 consecutive days. At that point, appreciating each other will hopefully feel so natural that you don’t have to think about it anymore.

This 30 Day Challenge isn’t always the easiest at the beginning, but it can provide the relationship help you and your partner need to become a more open and loving couple. This activity is geared towards couples who have some experience with Imago therapy, either by attending a workshop or talking with an Imago therapist, but you don’t have to have previous experience to cut out negativity and increase positivity. If you’re interested in trying this challenge, consider visiting my Houston marriage counselor practice to learn more about showing intentionality and strengthening your relationship.

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