Fighting with Love… or How to Fight Fair – Part 2

In Part 1 of this post, we offered marriage help by talking about becoming aware of how you deal with conflict. Doing this informs what kind of ground rules and boundaries you should set up to make your arguments with your partner fairer.

However, even without those specifics, there are four general concepts that everyone should employ when trying to “fight fair” with their partner. When you can figure out a way to incorporate all of these techniques into your communication style together, we can assure you that you will see positive results.

Marriage Help: Four Universal Ground Rules for Couples Who Decide to Fight Fair

Remain Calm 

Although the initial release of an outburst can often feel better than refraining from it, remaining calm – expressing your feelings in words instead of actions – is always a more effective way to get your partner to consider your side of things.

Easier said than done? Of course it is. That’s why you’re reading this for marriage help! What can you do to maintain your calm?

One useful tip is to practice separating yourself from the situation. Imagine when conflict arises that it’s happening between your friend and their spouse instead of yourself. This technique can initially help ease the tendency to overreact in difficult situations. 

Work Fully in the Realm of Reality

We know… we just told you to imagine it’s not you in the middle of a conflict! How is that “reality”? Fair enough. But once you’re in a calm head-space, it is best to avoid “make-believe.” 

To reach a conflict resolution, you must be specific and honest about what is really eating at you. No superlatives. Stick to the facts about what really happens and the way it makes you feel, and provide your partner with suggestions that would make it better for you instantly. 

Pro tip? “Never” and “always” are rarely true when used to describe the way your partner acts. Worse, these kinds of exaggerations (even when they are unintentional) put success farther away from you and your partner’s grasp. Work hard to avoid using them.

Address One Issue at a Time 

Although this one issue may feel like the perfect time to point out five other things that have just been on your mind, don’t do it. Don’t convince yourself that those other things are kind of sort of related, either. They’re not, and your partner definitely won’t see it that way.  

Stick to the one, singular issue, and do not introduce any other things that are bothering you until the first one is fully discussed. 

When you’re just beginning to practice fighting fair, sometimes we tend to bring up all that we’ve been harboring in this new-found safe place for conflict resolution. But unloading everything at once is incredibly counterproductive. 

Somewhat related: if an issue hasn’t come up in quite a while, but it’s still on your mind, consider whether it’s really an issue any longer. With some things, there comes a time to just let it go. 

Don’t Let the Issue Get Buried

Sometimes, you and your partner won’t be able to fully address a singular issue immediately.

Don’t just drop it, put a pin in it – out loud – and set a time with your partner to come back to it if possible. This will help both of you to avoid stockpiling your grievances. Additionally, it gives you both the satisfaction of sharing and feeling heard in the short term. 

Finding Your Unique Boundaries Isn’t Always Easy

Here at the Center for Marriage and Family Relationships, we’ve offered marriage help for couples in every stage in their relationship. We understand that finding your unique boundaries and establishing an effective and fair way to fight isn’t always easy. 

If you and your partner – despite your best efforts – are finding your conflicts seemingly insurmountable, we might be able to help. 

An Imago-based couples workshop or a few private sessions can help guide you toward a strong, healthy relationship with both of you at the center of it. 

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Parenting Issues in Houston During COVID? Conscious Parenting Makes a Difference

If you have or have ever had kids in your home, you probably already know the joys of seeing your child learn and grow. But you also know there are moments where you want to scream in frustration.

All of the changes associated with the pandemic amplify those negative moments. So it’s no surprise that, these days, many are experiencing parenting issues in Houston.

Maybe your kids try to get you to play a game while you’re working on an important project. Or their Zoom meeting is impacting your Zoom meeting. Or they see you as their 24/7 butler (literally since they’re home all the time!).

With the stress we’re all under, it can be tempting to let out all your built-up frustration by yelling and saying negative things.

Keeping that negativity out of your interactions with your child can be even harder when you’re having relationship problems with your partner.

However, you need to remember that the way you speak and act around your kids, even if it doesn’t feel like a big deal at the time, can have a long-lasting impact.

Setting a Positive Example for your Kids

Seeing conflict between parents is incredibly hard for children.

Sociological research has shown that divorce often has a huge impact on children, and there is definitely a strong link between a child’s experience with his or her parents and their marriage and the child’s own experiences as an adult.

A happy marriage and a respectful relationship between parents, though certainly not always perfect, is a big need for a child. When that need is not met, the child is more likely to experience problems in their own relationship as a result.

The goal of conscious parenting is to be aware of how the ways in which we behave affect our kids. Especially how the ways in which our own past emotional scars might influence our behavior around our kids.

Conscious parents should:

  • Pause before acting to consider how their actions will impact their child
  • Understand that all actions have consequences, even if they’re not immediately visible
  • Model positive values for their children
  • Forgive their own past mistakes and resolve to focus more on conscious parenting in the future

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Conscious Parenting During COVID-19

It can be really hard to stop and think about your actions when it feels like the world is coming apart. That’s the tough part of trying to engage in conscious parenting in a pandemic.

On the plus side, though, there is a lot to be conscious of right now. Not freaking out over financial troubles. Or spewing work stress on your kids or partner. Or letting cabin fever get the best of you and ignoring safety.

Think of it as particularly intense on-the-job training. Like parenting in general, just… more.

Something that can help is making sure that you are finding time to let yourself de-stress and recharge. None of us are at our best right now. But this can make things just a tiny bit easier.

The other big thing you need to do is forgive yourself. And be willing to move on and move forward.

Experiencing Relationship Issues?

If you and your partner have been experiencing relationship issues, you need to set aside time to have some serious discussions – both about how the two of you can work together to resolve your problems and meet each other’s emotional needs, and about how you can keep your own issues from affecting your children.

Even if the two of you are fine, that doesn’t mean you’re not experiencing parenting issues in Houston, and counseling can make a huge difference.

We want to strengthen families by helping couples become better conscious parents and grandparents. This is especially important right now, because you’re likely the only role models your kids get to spend any real time with.

Originally Published 2/5/2018. Updated 8/31/20.

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Featured on IRNA: Questions to Ask When You’re Worried Your Marriage Is Over

Is your marriage over? How can you be sure?

Recently I had a great experience working with the folks at Imago Relationships North America. We shared insights and advice on tackling the tough questions in a marriage as a couple, and came up with some important questions people should ask when they’re feeling like they’re at their breaking point.

You can check it out here.

And if you need to talk to a professional, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

 

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After an Affair: Is Houston Couples Counseling Right for You?

After an affair, you may want to consider marriage counseling. But finding the right counselor can be a challenge.

Houston is full of choices for couples counseling. First, check credentials.

  • What’s their education? Continuing education?
  • How about availability?
  • Do they offer online services?
  • Are they HIPAA-compliant?

But you should also consider much more. And consider your own intuition.

Your Counselor’s Journey and Perspective

It’s important that your counselor continues to look at their own issues. Ask about their journey in both counseling and marriage.

Many counselors continue to seek consultation and supervision. In other words, “tune-ups” from another objective counselor on their personal issues.

As a result, this increases the counselor’s capacity for:

  • Self-reflection
  • Introspection
  • Ability to listen with compassion

Additionally, ensure the counselor is pro-marriage and commitment.

Some therapists believe, “Divorce is no big deal.” And this may come across loud and clear. Or it may be more subtle. Always trust your gut.

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Choosing the Right Therapist After an Affair

After an affair, it’s important you both feel you’ve found the right therapist. So a feeling of rapport and safety is essential for success.

In your first session, notice how it feels to be with the therapist.

  • Do you feel comfortable?
  • Does the therapist listen?
  • Do you feel you can trust the therapist?

In couples counseling, you can learn to:

  • Process difficult emotions
  • Recognize strengths
  • Overcome trauma and stress
  • Build resources and resilience
  • Work through loss and grief
  • Develop trust in your body and its responses
  • Develop healthy boundaries
  • Resolve conflict
  • Let go of limiting beliefs
  • Manage intense emotions
  • Decrease mood problems
  • Decrease anxiety
  • Learn how to self soothe
  • Balance needs for intimacy and autonomy
  • Achieve greater emotional awareness
  • Learn how to assert yourself in healthy ways
  • Connect to your essential nature
  • Connect to your inner wisdom
  • Get the marriage or relationship of your dreams

Counseling requires collaboration between counselor and client. So be ready to commit time and energy.

At my Houston office or in online sessions, you may expect to receive:

  • Privacy
  • Confidentiality
  • Respect
  • Safety
  • Compassion

Generally speaking, my relationship counseling approach is IMAGO. Which involves a deep look at underlying issues. And, if appropriate, trauma release.

Above all, the goal is personal transformation. And a freer, more conscious, and creative partnership with your spouse.

Reach out. So we can get to know one another.

Updated on July 2020. Originally published June 2010.

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