Houston Relationship Counselor: The Workday and your Marriage Satisfaction

Although we tend to think that relationship problems develop in the home, the workplace can be a major source of stress that ends up affecting your marriage. As a Houston therapist, I’ve met with plenty of couples who cite work as one of the major stressors in their lives. If you’re unhappy at work—a place where you may be spending 40 hours or more each week—then you’re likely to hold onto that stress and unhappiness when you go home for the day and may end up taking out your bad mood on the people you love the most.

How do you avoid letting a bad time at work carry over into your home life? Go to the root of the problem. Since not too many of us can afford to quit working altogether and retire to an island paradise, the best thing to do is to work to improve your work environment and your attitude when you get home. Here are a few tips.

Get to know your co-workers. If you work in a big office, it’s all too easy to avoid getting to know people and to become socially isolated. By making the effort to talk to your co-workers, you’ll feel more engaged in your workplace and break up the day-to-day monotony.

Break up the routine. Doing the same activities in the same order every day can get mind-numbing pretty quickly, so if your job allows, change up the order in which you normally do things. You might even find that this makes you more productive.

Separate work time and personal time. Everybody has bad days sometimes and may want to complain to their partner, but make sure that your frustrations with work don’t become the only thing you talk to your partner about. Make sure you’re checking in with them to see how their day was and setting aside time when both of you can talk without bringing up work.

Find healthy channels for work stress. Deadlines, difficult projects, or a demanding supervisor can wear you down, but don’t let that stress negatively affect your relationship. Find a healthy outlet for your stress before or after work hours, whether that’s exercising, listening to music, or walking your dog. It doesn’t matter what activity you choose, as long as it helps you unwind and let go of anything that’s been weighing you down at work.

Want more advice for coping with work or any other stressors in your relationship? Schedule an appointment for you and your partner to talk to the Houston relationship counselor. I’d be glad to help you come up with healthy ways for you and your partner to get through stressful times together.

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Houston Marriage Therapy: Relationship Exercises for Year’s End

As the year draws to a close, many of us are frantically buying presents, working out travel plans, and rushing to accomplish our year-end goals. Even though this time of year is traditionally hectic, it’s important that we don’t forget to appreciate the people who matter the most to us. December is a great month to spend time with your partner and let them know how much they mean to you. Here are just a few ideas of things you can try this month, courtesy of my Houston marriage therapy center.

Try an experiential gift. If you’re having trouble figuring out what kind of gift to get your partner for the holidays, consider getting something experiential rather than material. That could mean tickets to a concert, a weekend getaway, a class that the two of you can take together – you get the idea. Make sure that you choose something that you’ll both enjoy so that you can make lasting memories.

Practice the 12 Days of Compliments. You’ve heard about the 12 Days of Christmas, right? Well, here come the 12 Days of Compliments. Really, we should let the people we love know that we appreciate them year round, but it’s easy to forget to vocalize our feelings, or to just assume our partners know we appreciate them. This month, try to get into the habit of complimenting your partner on something that they do or say every day. (You caught us – that’s more than 12 days.)

Make time for special winter date nights. When the weather gets worse and the days get shorter, it might be tempting to cancel your date night, but don’t let it fall by the wayside. If you don’t want to leave the house, come up with cozy winter dates that you can have at home, such as baking holiday desserts or watching a movie and drinking wine.

Set relationship resolutions. You might already have some New Year’s resolutions in mind, but consider adding at least one related to strengthening your relationship. You might consider making a resolution to do a better job of asking your partner meaningful questions, trying a 30 Day Zero Negativity challenge, or even signing up for an IMAGO couples’ workshop with Houston marriage therapy. Share your resolutions with your partner—you may inspire them to make and share resolutions of their own.

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5 Things Divorce Teaches Us about Relationships

Most people who go through a divorce take time to reflect on why their relationship went bad. For many of us, it’s one part of a lifelong learning process.

And one nationally renowned research scientist Dr. Terri Orbuch has been studying it as well, on a larger scale. She sought to uncover what divorce can tell us about marriage, and since 1986, she has been carrying out a longitudinal study of married couples. Over the study’s first 25 years, 46% of the couples divorced, and Orbuch interviewed many of them to find out what they had learned from their marriage.

Here are the top 5 trends she discovered, along with some advice to avoid these problems from the Houston marriage counselor.

We need to show—and give—affection. Some people may feel uncomfortable showing affection, or may not think that they need to show their partner that they care. 15% of the divorced people interviewed said that they wished they had given their partner more positive affirmations, including compliments, kissing, and verbal expressions of love.

Has reading this made you realize that you often take your partner for granted? Make a conscious effort to give your partner a genuine compliment every day, and set aside time when the two of you can be by yourselves to really appreciate one another.

We need to talk about money. Nobody wants to talk about finances in a relationship… which is why so many people put off having a serious money discussion when they first get married. Whether you like it or not, income, spending habits, and monthly bills are all going to come up in your marriage. In fact, almost half the divorced people in Dr. Orbuch’s study thought money was such a big problem in their first marriage that it would come up again in future marriages.

If you’re newly married or planning to tie the knot, sit down with your partner and have a frank discussion about your financial situation. Discuss spending habits, saving goals, and whether or not you want to combine your finances.

We need to let it go. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you’re constantly hung up on the past. Whether it’s a fight you had last week or an ex you’re jealous of, holding onto strong emotions from the past isn’t healthy.

If you have trouble letting go of anger or resentment, find a healthy outlet, such as going to the gym, talking to a friend, creating a piece of art or music… whatever helps you relax and move on.

We need to stop assigning blame. Dr. Orbuch found that 65% of the divorced people blamed their ex-spouse for the dissolution of their marriage, and those who focused on assigning blame had higher rates of anxiety, sleep disorders, and depression. Clearly it isn’t good for your physical or mental health, so it’s time we stop, whether or not you’re currently in a relationship.

Instead of assigning blame, think about the ways you interact and what you could change to improve things for both you and your partner. When talking to your partner, don’t use an accusatory tone; instead, remain neutral and tell them how you’re feeling.

We need to open up. 41% of the divorced people said they wanted to change their communication style in their next relationship. They want to open up more and have meaningful conversations, rather than going on autopilot after a long week at work.

As a Houston marriage counselor, I always encourage the couples who come to see me to practice active listening—really paying attention to the content of their partner’s words and empathizing. I also encourage couples to set aside time to dialogue and get a good understanding of how their partner is feeling.

If you’d like to learn more, contact me or sign up for an upcoming relationship workshop.

 

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Houston Relationship Therapist: Opposite Attachment Styles

We’ve probably all seen in our personal relationships or by watching our friends and families that opposites really do attract. Many times, that means that one partner displays their affection easily while the other is more reserved. Sometimes this works well – the more emotionally giving partner may help draw the more reserved person out of their shell, while the signs of affection that the reserved person shares may feel more rewarding because they are harder won.

Unfortunately, opposite attachment styles can also lead to relationship problems. The more emotionally giving partner may grow tired of always being the one to initiate displays of affection, while the more reserved partner may be uncomfortable with their partner’s efforts to be “touchy feely.” The two people might even begin wondering if they really are compatible after all. As a Houston relationship counselor, I often work with couples who are in this situation.

The truth is that these partners often can absolutely be compatible – they just have to work to better understand each other’s attachment styles.

Advice for Better Understanding Your “Opposite” Mate

Set aside time to talk about what’s bothering you. If there’s something about your partner’s attachment style that’s bothering you, such as their need for public displays of affection or the way they tense up when you hug them, set aside a time when you’re alone and in a comfortable place so you can talk about the issue. Don’t phrase the problem as something that is your partner’s fault – say something like, “When you won’t let me kiss you in public, I feel like I’m being rejected.”

Listen to what your partner has to say. Don’t fall into the trap of doing all the talking yourself – make sure to be a good listener when your partner explains how they feel. This may give you a completely different understanding of something you thought was a problem. For example, maybe the reason your partner is uncomfortable with public displays of affection is because they grew up in a more reserved household.

Learn to compromise. Work with your partner to come up with compromises that will make you both happy. Maybe the more reserved partner doesn’t want the pressure of public displays of affection, but could become more accepting of affection in the privacy of their own home.

Understand that people have different ways of showing their love. The great thing about love is that we all have different ways of expressing it. Some people may feel most comfortable expressing their love through physical contact, while others might show their love through gifts, words, or other gestures. Learn to recognize the ways your partner expresses their love and let them know that you appreciate it.

If you want to learn more about attachment styles and how people who are seemingly polar opposites can be happy together, leave a comment or schedule an appointment with the Houston relationship therapist.

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