Houston Couples Counseling: Finding a Healthy Way to Argue

Everyone in a long-term relationship has a disagreement with their partner at one time or another. If pop culture portrayals of couples were to be believed, those disagreements would regularly involve shouting, throwing things, or storming out of the house, but that’s rarely the case. There are, of course, some real-life couples who also argue in this explosive manner, but it’s certainly not healthy.

Most couples in successful long-term relationships learn that they can have disagreements, but that their difference in opinion doesn’t mean getting into a destructive fight. Here’s a look at some of the most common mistakes that you and your partner should strive to avoid when arguing.

5 Common Mistakes Couples Make When Arguing

Bringing up past arguments. You should never keep score in your relationship, and airing out past grievances while you’re in the middle of an argument with your partner is only going to exacerbate the problem. Instead, focus on explaining how you feel about the issue at hand and allowing your partner to express their thoughts as well.

Character assassination. Attacking someone’s character is bad rhetoric in any situation, but it’s particularly damaging when you decide to bring up things you don’t like about your partner’s actions or behavior during a disagreement. If something that your partner has done is bothering you, explain how their behavior has made you feel rather than just framing their behavior in a negative light.

Failing to take a break when things get out of hand. You should never just storm out of the room during an argument, but if the fight is escalating to a point where you and your partner are allowing emotions to cloud your judgment, you’re likely to do and say things you’ll later regret. When things are getting out of hand, say something like, “Can we take a break for a little while and talk about this again when we’ve calmed down?” Set a time to continue your discussion so that you do not just indefinitely avoid the issue.

Placing blame. Nobody likes being blamed, and putting the sole responsibility for a relationship issue on your partner is likely to put them on the defensive. Take a step back and think about the role that you’ve played in the relationship issue, then take personal responsibility.

Making no effort to empathize. All too often, couples will become so focused on their grievances that they’ll fail to think about how their partner is feeling. This is, in my opinion, the biggest mistake couples can make when arguing. Healthy relationships are based on working to understand your partner as a whole person, and that includes trying to understand how they’re feeling even when you’re arguing.

If you want to learn how to better empathize with your partner—or if you want to learn more about arguing in a healthy manner—consider coming into Houston couples counseling.

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Houston Marriage Counselor: What Does Commitment Mean?

When asked what commitment in a relationship is, a lot of people might respond with something like, “promising to be faithful” or “getting married.” While those two definitions may be part of making a commitment for some people, they’re certainly not the end-all be-all. Commitment involves so much more than just making a verbal or legal promise to stay with someone.

We may find ourselves thinking about relationship commitment as the intention to stay with someone, but there need to be actions behind that intention. Think of it this way: if you intended to run a marathon but never went on any training runs, you’d probably have a lot of trouble sticking to your original intention. If you’re really serious about being committed to another person, it’s something you have to work at.

So what makes for a successful committed relationship?

The Components of Commitment

Mutual respect. No relationship can be truly successful unless both partners fully respect one another. You and your partner may not agree on absolutely everything – and that’s fine – but you need to value each other’s thoughts and emotions.

Honesty. Commitment can’t happen unless you’re both clear about what you want out of the relationship. If you’re in a long-term relationship and want it to continue, there will also come a point when you and your partner need to discuss what you want from your shared lives in the future. Set goals together and support each other while you achieve them.

Time together. It’s all too easy to get busy with work, school, and other commitments that take you away from your partner. Even if you’ve got a hectic schedule, though, you need to make sure that you still have private time with your partner in order to strengthen your bond and build the foundation for commitment. It shouldn’t feel like a chore to spend time with your partner; it should be something you’re comfortable with and that you look forward to.

Intimacy. It’s not the only thing you should focus on, but it is an important part of a long-term committed relationship. Intimacy doesn’t just have to mean sex, either. Doing things like unexpectedly kissing your partner or resting your hand on their arm while you’re relaxing show that you’re both familiar with and still attracted to them.

Emotional support. When your relationship first began, you and your partner may have experienced a lot of emotional highs. But as with every relationship that goes on, you’ll experience a wide range of emotions, and difficult events – loss of a job, death in the family – may at some point overwhelm you and your partner. Truly committed partners will be there for one another through both the highs and the lows.

Commitment is something that you have to keep working on throughout your relationship, and if you want to learn more about what you and your partner can do to strengthen your commitment, consider signing up for a couples’ workshop or talking to a Houston marriage counselor.

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Houston Marriage Counselor: Tuning Out Harms Your Relationship

When you were a kid, your parents or teachers might have told you to “just ignore them” if another kid said something mean. But as an adult in a relationship, you absolutely can’t take a “just ignore them” approach with your partner during an argument.

Tuning out is something that we start to do as a defense mechanism when we get overwhelmed. If your partner is yelling at you, or even just talking about something you don’t want to hear, you may begin to let your mind wander. You may even feel your anger rising to a point where you simply refuse to hear anything your partner has to say.

The problem with tuning out like this is that you only exacerbate the existing problem. Imagine how you would feel if you were upset and trying to explain your feelings to your partner, but your partner became unresponsive, turned away, or even told you something like “I don’t have to hear this.” You wouldn’t be able to resolve any existing issues because your partner wouldn’t listen. Frustrating, no?

How to Keep Yourself from Tuning Out

If reading this has made you realize that you’re sometimes guilty of tuning your partner out, it’s time to change your behavior. Here are some things you can do the next time you feel yourself shutting down during an argument.

Don’t paint yourself as a victim. If your partner is criticizing you, it can be difficult to listen to—especially if your partner hasn’t learned how to dialogue in a healthy way. However, resist thinking things like, “I don’t have to put up with this” or “This is coming out of nowhere—I didn’t do anything!” Chances are, something has been bothering your partner for a while, and it’s important that you listen so that you understand their perspective.

Take a break to calm down. If the argument is escalating and you feel yourself getting angry to the point that you can’t think clearly anymore, tell your partner, “I agree we need to talk about this, but can we take a 15 minute break so that I can cool down?”

Take in your partner’s meaning. Let your partner say what they need to say, and avoid interrupting unless you need to ask for clarification. When they’ve finished talking, say, “Let me see if I understand this” and reiterate what your partner has just said. This shows that you were listening and trying to empathize.

Explain your own feelings. You’ll feel less like you were being attacked if you explain your own thoughts and emotional state to your partner after they’re done speaking.

Visit a Houston marriage counselor. If you and your partner are still having trouble communicating and listening to one another, I’d be happy to talk to both of you and help you come up with the tools you need to improve your relationship.

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Houston Relationship Counselor: 5 Core Concerns of Negotiation

When you disagree with your partner, you may discover that a lot of different emotions are rising to the surface and that you have trouble processing them. So what should you do in this situation? You certainly shouldn’t just bottle your emotions up, and you also shouldn’t take out your negative feelings on your significant other.

While thinking about this problem, I was reminded of an excellent concept developed by the Harvard Negotiation Project. The idea is for us to understand the 5 core concerns of negotiation, which are the things that make us feel certain emotions whenever we negotiate with our partners.

The 5 Core Concerns

Appreciation. This is a big one that I’ve talked about a lot in my blog. You and your partner won’t be receptive to the other person if you feel that your thoughts and emotions are being ignored or devalued. By being an active listener when your partner is talking, you can make your negotiation a positive experience.

Affiliation. Remember that you and your partner are in this relationship together, and it’s something that you both need to work on in order to keep it strong. Even when you’re arguing, remember that your partner is just that—a partner—rather than an adversary.

Autonomy. While it’s important that you work together, you and your partner also need to respect one another as individuals. Know that you both need to be able to make important choices, and respect your partner in their decisions.

Status. This concern is all about equality. If you feel inferior to your partner, or if your partner feels inferior to you, you’re not laying the groundwork for a successful relationship. Make sure that you and your partner treat each other as equals and recognize each other’s contributions to the relationship.

Role. When you’re negotiating, don’t fall into a “me vs. you” mindset. There’s no winner or loser in relationships, and you shouldn’t be keeping score. Rather, think about how you and your partner can collaborate to resolve something that’s been a problem.

Learning to negotiate in a healthy way is an important part of any relationship. The next time that you’re upset with your partner or are having an argument, make yourself step back and think about the 5 core concerns. Ask yourself if your needs are being met in each of those 5 areas, and if you think your partner’s needs are being met as well. If they’re not, then you and your partner should sit down and talk through those concerns.

Want to learn more about how to have healthy negotiations rather than just arguments? Schedule an appointment to talk with a Houston relationship counselor or sign up for an upcoming couples’ workshop.

 

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