Houston Relationship Counseling: Apologizing and Meaning It

At some point in every long-term relationship, there comes a time when one partner has to apologize to the other. Probably this is something that happens multiple times a year, month, or even week. Sometimes we may not really believe we’ve done something wrong, but if our words or actions have in any way hurt the person we love, then we need to say that we’re sorry.

However, there are right ways and wrong ways to apologize. First, here’s what not to do.

Bad Apologies

“I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” When you say something like this, you’re essentially telling your partner that it was their fault they became upset and that you’re not going to shoulder any of the blame. You’re telling them that they’re too sensitive, and this is only going to increase their resentment.

Coming up with excuses. If you say “I’m sorry that my yelling hurt you” that’s a good start, but if you follow this up with something like “…but you know I’ve been really stressed out at work,” that’s a cop out. Don’t just make excuses for bad behavior; accept responsibility.

Apologizing just to end an argument. If you apologize just because you don’t want to be having an argument anymore, your partner will probably be able to sense your motive from your tone and body language and will know that the apology isn’t genuine.

Gifts instead of words. Many people interpret the giving of a gift (such as flowers, jewelry, a back rub) as insincere if it’s given without a heartfelt, specific apology. Don’t just rely on material things in the absence of words; express your sincere feelings by talking to your partner.

Good Apologies

Empathize. In order to truly mean your apology, you have to understand how your words or actions made your partner feel and be able to feel these emotions yourself.

Let your partner talk. You don’t need to ramble on and on. Instead, state your apology in simple terms and ask your partner if there’s anything they want to get out. Be a good listener and be open to criticism; you may find out that you upset your partner for a different reason than you thought, and getting to the source of the problem can help you better resolve it.

Remind your partner that you love them. Your partner needs to know that you still value and appreciate them, and if you behaved badly towards them, that doesn’t represent how you really feel.

Change problem behavior. If there’s a particular problem that’s been causing grief in your relationship, you can’t just give an empty apology and continue the behavior. Talk with your partner to come up with a resolution or compromise that will make both of you happy.

Apologizing isn’t easy for everyone – and sometimes neither is accepting apologies! If this is something that you struggle with, set up an appointment with my Houston relationship counseling office.

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Houston Relationship Counselor: The Importance of Touch

A hug, a head resting on a loved one’s shoulder, a hand on the small of your partner’s back. These gestures may seem small, but physical touch has a profound impact on our relationships with the people in our lives, especially our significant others.

If you’re doubtful about the power of touch, take a moment to watch this video about New York street photographer Richard Renaldi. Mr. Renaldi has embarked on a project to photograph people who have just met each other posed as couples, friends, and family members. As the video shows, many of the people involved in the project are uncomfortable at first, but after posing with and touching another person for a few minutes, they visibly relax. When some of the subjects were interviewed afterwards, they reported that touching this person they’d never met before made them feel like they really cared and were cared for in return.

Why Do We Need Touch?

Touch is essential when it comes to bonding with other people and feeling contented in our own lives. On a chemical level, a warm touch causes the brain to release oxytocin, a hormone that creates a sensation of trust and attachment (this is the same hormone that is released after sex and when a new mother holds her baby). A supportive touch also helps lower the level of cortisol, a stress hormone. Receiving a comforting hug, a pat on the back, or any other positive gesture has a significant psychological effect on us because it indicates that we have someone who cares about us and we don’t have to go through stressful experiences alone.

Couples who share more little moments of physical contact often have a stronger relationship than those who don’t. In one experiment, researchers at Harvard conducted short interviews with 69 couples who were prompted to discuss difficult times in their relationship. The researchers recorded any moments of touch between the couples during the interviews and found that those couples who touched more often reported greater relationship satisfaction.

Touch isn’t something you can neglect in a relationship. If you’re uncomfortable with public displays of affection, it’s okay to keep the gestures at home, but they still need to be there. If it’s something that you’ve gotten out of the habit of doing, make a conscious effort to hug or put an arm around your partner when they need your support. The more you practice this, the more comfortable this type of gesture will become. You may be surprised by the way even small acts can make you and your partner feel closer. If you’d like to learn more about how touch can improve your relationship, contact my Houston relationship counselor offices today.

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Houston Marriage Therapist: Parent-Child Bond Affects Couples

Teenagers may roll their eyes or tune out when their parents try to offer them advice about romance, but it turns out their parents might have more of an influence on their future love lives than they think.

I recently came across a fascinating study that suggests the relationship between teenagers and their parents has a small but significant impact on romantic relationships that develop as much as 15 years later. According to the study, teens that have volatile relationships with their parents are more likely to experience relationship problems in the future, while teens that are relatively close to their parents are more likely to feel emotionally and physically satisfied in future romantic relationships. That means that someone in a relationship in their 30s may be influenced by their parents in a way they never realized.

What We Can Take Away From This Study

While this longitudinal study is pretty interesting, it’s important to remember that it looks at the relationships between parents, teens, and couples in a very broad way. There are a lot of factors that influence relationships—stress, time spent together, and common interests are just a few—and it’s difficult to isolate any one variable.

If you had a difficult relationship with your parents when you were growing up, you’re not necessarily doomed to be unlucky in love. However, if you have been experiencing relationship issues, it may be worth reflecting on how your teenage relationship with your parents may have influenced the way you handle relationships now. Every experience we have plays into who we are as a person, and it’s important to acknowledge how our history has affected us.

If you’re a current parent of teenagers, you may want to think about how you resolve issues with your kids. Do you get angry easily, blame your kids for things that were out of their control, or avoid problems altogether? Modeling healthy problem solving by sitting down with your teen and discussing issues head-on may just help them develop a healthy romantic relationship in the future.

Keep in mind that while parent-child relationships are important, there are many more factors that influence relationships and many things you can do to strengthen your relationship with your romantic partner. If you want more advice, consider talking to the Houston marriage therapist or signing up for a couples’ workshop.

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Houston Marriage Therapist: Recognizing Love

Writers, musicians, artists, and average people have all been trying to explain the feeling of love for centuries. While there are certain stock images and phrases that we often return to, such as a “fluttering heart” or “deep longing,” there’s no universal way to describe love. Because it’s not a quantifiable thing, many people – whether they’re entering their first relationship or have started dating someone after another relationship has ended – find themselves asking whether what they’re feeling is really love.

Often in new relationships, infatuation is confused with love. When you’re infatuated with someone, you idealize them, feel excited whenever they’re around, and rely on their affection for your own sense of worth. It can be exhilarating, but if it doesn’t have any substance, it can’t last long.

So how do you know that you’re really in love as opposed to just infatuated? As a Houston marriage therapist, I’m not going to claim that I can give you a definitive account of love, but I can tell you about some of the building blocks that help form a loving relationship.

Signs That You’re in Love

You want to know who your partner really is. When you’re infatuated with someone, you fall in love with the idea of the person rather than with their real self. You often set unreasonable expectations and are disappointed when the object of your infatuation doesn’t live up to them. To truly love someone, you have to get to know them and recognize their human qualities. Someone in love wants to keep learning about their partner in order to know them even better.

You’re comfortable sharing who you really are. You shouldn’t feel like you have to change your core personality for your loved one, and you shouldn’t feel like you need to hide anything from them. You should be able to open up to them and also to comfortably sit in silence with them.

There’s more than just a physical attraction. Physical appearance changes, so if that’s the basis of your attraction, your relationship isn’t going to be stable. People who are in love feel drawn to their partner and are attracted to them on an emotional as well as a physical level.

You’re on the same team—not in competition. If you love someone, you’re not always trying to one-up them or keep track of things you think they’ve done wrong. There may be conflicts at times, but you’re committed to working through them with your partner rather than just battling it out.

You’re there for the ups and downs. In the beginning of a relationship, you may only see your partner at their best, but in a long-term, loving relationship you have to support them through both the emotional highs and lows. You and your partner should want to be there for each other even when you’re going through a difficult time.

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