It’s been common knowledge for a while now that entering a marriage while idealizing your partner is highly detrimental to a healthy, long-term relationship. After all, what partner can possibly live up to starry-eyed ideals after the honeymoon has ended and bills and chores take the place of romantic dates? Read more
No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, you’ll never be able to read their mind, and they’ll never be able to read yours. You may be able to pick up on each other’s feelings based on tone of voice and body language, but you won’t fully understand each other’s needs unless you tell one another. That’s why assertiveness is a key part of effective communication in a relationship.
People are often reluctant to be assertive with their partner—or with anyone else in their life—because they confuse assertiveness with aggression. However, assertiveness and aggression are two very different things. Someone is aggressive when they fight to get their way without thinking about how their partner feels. Someone is assertive when they express their needs and feelings calmly, always respecting their partner even if they don’t always agree.
Tips for Becoming More Assertive from the Houston Marriage Therapist
Assertiveness doesn’t always feel natural, especially to people who were raised to believe they should work to please other people, even if that means compromising their own needs. The good news is that you can learn to become more assertive; the important thing is to keep practicing until you become more comfortable. Try these tips to get started.
Practice saying “no”. Remind yourself that saying “no” to something you really don’t want to do isn’t going to harm your relationship, as long as you do so in a respectful way and clearly explain why you feel the way that you do.
Think about how you communicate. If you find yourself holding back your thoughts because you don’t think your partner will agree, it’s time to re-evaluate your communication style. Remember that it’s okay to disagree or sometimes want different things than your partner, as long as you state your position respectfully. Start by letting your partner explain their view, validate their opinion, then clearly and calmly explain how you feel differently.
Think about assertive body language and tone. Stand or sit up instead of slouching, make eye contact, and talk in a level voice, without yelling or raising your inflection so statements sound like questions.
Suggest compromises. Rather than just trying to impose your will on your partner, take their feelings into account and offer a suggestion that allows you to meet in the middle (e.g. “I know cooking stresses you out, so let’s come up with a system where I cook 5 nights and you cook 2, but you do the dishes when I cook”). Being assertive isn’t about “winning”, it’s about making your needs and your partner’s needs more transparent so the two of you can find a compromise that works for both of you.
Want to learn more about how to be assertive? Click here to watch a video from one of my dearest Imago colleagues, Dr. Nedra Fetterman, about the courage, challenges, and benefits associated with healthy assertiveness.
I’ve mentioned in this blog before that while sex isn’t the most important part of a loving relationship, it’s certainly a vital component. Sex brings couples closer on a physical, emotional, and even chemical level and lets partners express their intimate affection for one another. Yet in spite of its importance, many couples find it hard to talk about, even if they’ve been together for years. In fact, some people find it easier to discuss sex frankly with close friends than with their actual sexual partner.
This may be in part due to the desire to protect a romantic partner’s feelings. Maybe you think that you and your partner have fallen into too much of a routine, but you worry that your partner will think you’ve lost that loving feeling if you ask to do something differently. Or maybe your partner has a habit of doing something that you don’t like, but you don’t want to bring it up for fear that it will sound like a personal attack. The problem is, neither you nor your partner is a mind reader, and your sexual relationship won’t get better unless you tell each other what you want.
It is possible to discuss sex—and even to discuss changing or trying new things—without creating a conflict between you and your partner. Try the following tips to have a healthy conversation about sex with your significant other.
Houston Relationship Counselor Offers 4 Tips for Talking about Sex
Pick an appropriate time. As with any serious or personal conversation, you should save your discussion about sex for a time when you and your partner can sit down alone and be fully receptive to one another. First thing in the morning, right after you’ve both gotten home from work, or during sex are probably not the best times to offer constructive criticism. Instead, ask your partner if you can talk about something important when you both have some free time.
Don’t place blame. If there’s something you don’t like about your sexual relationship, don’t bring it up in a way that makes it sound like you’re blaming your partner. When you do this, they’re more likely to interpret what you’re saying as a personal attack and will become more withdrawn from the conversation. Instead, talk about your own experience and what you want.
Let your partner talk about what they want. If there are certain things you want out of your sexual relationship, you can bet that your partner has things they want out of the relationship too. Give them a chance to talk and listen carefully to what they have to say; you might be surprised to learn that you’ve been making incorrect assumptions about your partner’s needs.
Approach the conversation with an open attitude. Your conversation will be most productive if you and your partner are open to what each of you has to say and willing to work towards solutions that will make the relationship more satisfying. As long as you treat each other with respect and really listen, your talk with be positive and productive.
While there are still couples who meet at work, through friends, or even by being in the right place at the right time, it has become increasingly common for couples to meet through online dating sites. According to a statistics database, over 41 million people in the US say they’ve tried online dating, revealing that this meeting method has largely shed any stigma it may once have had. One study even suggests that it’s become the single most common catalyst for first dates. That study may be biased since it was funded by Match.com, but one thing that’s certain is that online dating is here to stay.
The Pros and Cons of Online Dating
Online dating has become a popular way of proactively meeting someone with shared interests, rather than just waiting for chance to reveal the perfect partner. For many people, online dating is appealing because it provides a low risk way to meet people; you already know some topics you can talk about based on each other’s profiles, and you don’t have to meet in person until you decide that you’re comfortable doing so. As a Houston relationship therapist I know that this low pressure approach may be particularly appealing to people who have been through a divorce and haven’t delved into the dating world in a long time, or anyone who prefers to spend some time talking and getting to know someone before committing to a first date.
Of course, one downside of online dating that’s been well documented is the tendency of people to tell small lies on their profile about things like height, age, and income. For the most part, though, the people who are really interested in meeting a like-minded person through online dating aren’t going to make their profile blatantly misleading, and many people actually feel more comfortable revealing their true self online than they would when first meeting someone in person since it’s a lower pressure situation.
Treat Online Dating like “Real World” Dating
For those who haven’t yet tried online dating but may be interested, the best approach is to treat it as you would “real world” dating. The method of meeting may be different, but what follows is fundamentally the same. You meet someone in person, get to know them a little better, and either grow closer through shared experiences or don’t form a connection and part ways. It’s important to keep in mind that there’s no magical algorithm that will pair you up with your perfect partner; what you’re really getting through online dating is an introduction to people who share some of your interests and may be looking for similar things in a relationship. It’s up to you to get to get to know those people as whole, complex individuals and decide whether you want to pursue the relationship.
Location and Hours
Damian Duplechain LPC Inc.
5959 West Loop 610 South, Suite 600,
Bellaire, TX 77401
713-409-8111
Monday -Friday: 8:30 am – 5 pm
Saturday & Sunday: Closed