Do you have to be right all the time? Or maybe the culprit is your partner. Or both of you. Right fighting in relationships can cause a lot of frustration and heartache.
What is it? Let’s look at an example.
What Is “Right Fighting” in Relationships?
A couple is getting ready to go to the woman’s mother’s house. Her partner is in a sour mood about how early they have to leave. He tells her the drive to her mother’s house is only 10 minutes long. She says it’s actually closer to 30 minutes. She’s trying to get them to leave at a reasonable time.
Not to be deterred, he proceeds to “prove” that she’s wrong about the time. He mentions other houses or buildings that are around the house that are a quick drive, and that rush hour will be over soon. The woman holds her ground, saying that there is no way they can get there in 10 – or even 20 – minutes.
They continue to argue over the length of the drive. And build up a lot of anger before arriving at her mother’s house.
What’s really happening is that the man is dilly-dallying about going to his partner’s mother’s house. And she’s feeling hurt and frustrated by this.
But instead of actually saying, “I feel hurt that you don’t want to visit my mother,” she focuses on the time. She’s not wrong to want them to leave early — he’s wrong about the time.
Of course, her partner shouldn’t be let off the hook either. He’s clearly looking for an excuse to put off going. But doesn’t want to admit it. Maybe even to himself.
So it becomes about them being “right” instead of honestly dealing with the situation.
This is “right” fighting.
It doesn’t usually deal with feelings or abstract ideas. A typical “right fight” could easily be solved with a quick Google search. But both partners refuse to budge.
Right fighting in relationships is not only exhausting and unproductive, it leads to more anger on both sides.
What Causes This Kind of Fighting?
If someone feels the need to be right as an adult, they were probably raised by parents who consistently told them they were wrong.
We’re not talking about fact-based right and wrong, either. If a child thinks 2+2=5, their parents should correct them.
But let’s say a child tells their parents they’re cold. The parent can either:
a) acknowledge the child’s reality (by offering the child a jacket or blanket) or
b) dismiss the child’s statement (by telling them that it’s actually warm in the room).
A child who is subjected to the latter is more likely to become adamant when their reality is tested by another person. To develop the need to “right fight.”
Even worse, children who are raised this way tend to choose partners with similar attributes! Put those two people together and you’re almost guaranteed a clash.
“Right fighting” isn’t just a pain in and of itself. By continually arguing over who is right, you’ll spend less time focusing on the actual issues at hand.
If the couple above spends 20 minutes debating about the length of the drive, that’s 20 minutes lost. They will have made no real progress on the real thing that is frustrating them.
This is utterly unhelpful if you are trying to find a couple’s answer.
What You Can Do to Stop This Kind of Fighting with Your Partner
The next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, try this:
- Stay present
- Think clearly about what you’re saying and arguing about
- If you catch yourself “right fighting,” take a step back
- Ask yourself, “are these details important to the issue at hand?” If they aren’t, drop them and focus on the more important conflict
- Focus on coming to a couple’s answer
Once you’ve done that, then you can go back and clear up minor details.
Most of the time, though, you’ll find those details don’t matter after you’ve kissed and made up. Ultimately, it comes down to this: would you rather be “right” or happy?
Reach out today to learn more about how Imago Relationship Therapy addresses “right fighting” and other similar conflicts in a relationship.
Originally Published 6/5/2017. Updated 12/16/2020
Even in a normal year, I know all too well from my clients that holidays and stress go hand-in-hand. Things like deciding whose family to visit, how much to spend, and last minute changes to plans can lead to eruptions. Add pandemic concerns on top of that and the season is a powder keg. You need holiday stress tips.
What kinds of things can you do to avoid relationship friction?
Acknowledge the Financial Reality of COVID: Make a Holiday Budget and Stick to It
Money is always one of the top causes of arguments between couples. And with so many people struggling due to the pandemic, this year will likely be worse. The chaotic and emotion-fueled festivities of the holiday season only exacerbate this further.
How can you alleviate problems? Sit down with each other. Look at your finances. And make a plan of action together.
This means budgeting for presents, travel, meals – anything that wouldn’t be a normal part of your monthly budget. Last-minute crises may occur, but the better you plan, the easier it will be to deviate from it when necessary.
Prepare for Known Holiday Stressors
No holiday stress tips can prevent all stress. Case-in-point: family-related stress.
Whether you’ll be seeing relatives in person or virtually this year, some of them are bound to push your buttons. In fact, guilt over not seeing someone may be just as bad.
Recognize this ahead of time. And talk it out with your partner.
Why?
This has many purposes:
1) It prepares your partner for specific situations that may stress you out.
2) It enlists your partner in helping you combat the stressful situation.
3) It shows you care about how your stress (and potential bad behavior) could impact your partner.
Attempting to preemptively deal with the stressors will hopefully cause fewer relationship issues if an explosion does happen.
However…
Don’t use this “preparation” as an excuse to blow up. There has to be a genuine effort on both sides to prevent bad behavior.
Accept That This Year Will Be Different
All of us are tired of having to change our lives for COVID. But if you’re prioritizing safety, you have to accept that as a reality.
Which means this holiday season will likely be different from years past. Maybe you won’t have holiday parties with friends. Or go to that festival where people pack the streets, get hot chocolate, and see Santa. Or attend that annual light tour in your city.
Talk about the things you’re going to miss this year ahead of time. And then think about new traditions you can start. Ones that will allow you to celebrate the season without sacrificing safety.
Like holiday movie nights. Driving around to see the lights. Making hot chocolate at home. And so on.
No one is saying it will be easy. But acknowledging the potential problems ahead of time and talking them through together can save your relationship from a lot of grief.
Want more holiday stress tips? If you find yourself struggling over the season and worry about your relationship, seek out the Houston marriage counselor today.
Originally Published 12/11/2019. Updated 10/16/20.
When you have fallen into a pattern of negative habits and feelings of resentment toward each other, it’s easy to forget that you always have a choice – either keep working at it or walk away. In either scenario, however, you’re going to have to let the ill will go. You have to start with a clean slate.
Living in a state of “unforgiveness” hurts you, your partner, and your marriage. If you do choose the hard work of learning from and strengthening your relationship, we assure you, there is a way to wipe the slate clean and commit to shedding negative relationship habits and resentment so that you can start fresh.
How to Start a Clean Slate in a Relationship
So, how do you let go of your partner’s “rap sheet” so that you won’t pull it out when you’re angry, hurt, or scared? You need to be a “conscious spouse.” That means focusing both on what you do to contribute to conflicts and on what you are doing to create safety and connection in your relationship.
In this post, we uncover three key factors to releasing the burdens of negativity and resentment.
Shift Your Perspective
Ever heard anyone describe a marriage as “two becoming one?”
Never forget that in a committed romantic relationship, you and your partner are both separate and connected. Total separateness – like total disconnection – is an illusion. Being committed means considering someone before yourself and consulting them prior to making big decisions.
However, concepts like these can lead to losing sight of the fact that we are still individual people leading lives that merely coincide in a lot of ways.
When you consciously make an effort to remember that you and your partner are each individuals who have chosen to share your lives with one another, releasing negative emotions like disappointment and fear about the other’s actions and behaviors becomes much easier.
The next time your partner does that thing you hate so much, or makes a huge, seemingly unforgiveable mistake, say to yourself these three things:
- We are two separate people.
- I don’t have control over any other person’s actions.
- I do have control over my own.
Then see what difference it makes in your decisions and reactions. You may be surprised.
Remember That Kindness Is King
Shifting your perspective will likely result in – at minimum – a less negative reaction. And coming from a more positive place makes it easier to be kind. (Not that we said easier, not easy. Changing habits takes practice.)
As you begin to free up headspace that was once bubbling with frustration and anger, you can try filling it with new, more positive habits and emotions. With a newly cleared head, think about this:
Your partner is your best friend. How do you treat your best friends… and how do they treat you? Then, reflect on what your partner has done to upset you.
How would you handle the same situation involving a very close friend? Would you try to work it out? Patch things up? Would you forgive?
No, friendship is not the same as marriage. You don’t depend on a person as much as you do a life partner, but every effort towards kindness is a step toward that clean slate relationship.
Share Your Perceptions
After years of learning your partner’s thinking and habits, anticipation and expectation can cloud your judgement of a given situation. You now have a stack of compromises hard-wired into your routine that can lead to an inadvertent loss of communication.
You think you know what your partner is thinking. You think they know what you’re thinking. But remember, we are separate and unpredictable humans with individual thoughts. If you don’t tell your partner exactly what you think, they really might not know.
And how can you fix anything when you don’t know what the problem is?
You’ve got to reopen lines of communication that may have been closed a long time ago. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.
If you’ve been trapped in the cycle of negativity and resentment for so long you’re not sure the two of you can take on the task of reopening yourselves to one another, a Houston relationship therapist might be the guide and resource you need to get over the initial hump.
One great way to do that? Try our Imago Couples Workshop.
Based on the world’s all-time bestselling book on relationships, Getting the Love You want, attending one of our weekend workshops can give you a relationship benefit equivalent to going to couples counseling every week for 3-6 months. In other words, it can save you a lot of time, suffering, energy, and money. Many have said it’s the best investment they ever made.
For more info, email us here or give us a call at 713.409.8111.
Originally Published 5/15/2019. Updated 11/11/2020
